"We're sorry sir, we can't accept your loan request for Boeing 747."
A Plan for That Georgia Heat
A long time ago I had a temp job in the credit department of a catalog ordering company. This was prior to omnipresent online credit card use, so large orders phoned in from the catalog were treated as loans. We would pull a credit report and assess the situation.
One guy’s order tripped the limits and he was sent my way. Hmm he wants to order … 2000 window air conditioners? That’s very expensive, and seemed odd because if you are a home developer or a retail store and need a lot of inventory, you buy bulk. My catalog company sold to the public. So I start digging and he lives in Georgia. I looked it up on a map, middle of nowhere. His address is something something trailer court. OK. Also not good. Bankruptcy declared … yesterday! lol and the history gets worse as you go back. So I kill his order and send him the standard letter, and think nothing of it. Until a few months go by. The letter I sent him instructs to call with questions, which is silly, because I can’t give out any info on the phone, anyway. Regardless, he calls. I answer the phone. He starts screaming. He starts by screaming. I don’t know who he is or what he wants yet. But this is par for the course. I get him simmered down and am talking to him about why he can’t order 2000 f_cking air conditioners, without really saying why. He’s acting all indignant as if he doesn’t have no job and doesn’t live in a mobile home and didn’t just declare bankruptcy, and wasn’t trying to sneak in one more order before the paperwork is filed (he wouldn’t have to pay back the “loan” for 2000 air conditioners). So he gets mopey and says, “aw durn. i was hopin’ to cool off mah yurd. muggy down here. and hot as a sumb_tch.”
His plan was to plug in 2000 air conditioners and air condition the outside. (Source)
Sir, We Don’t Do Those Types of Deals Here
I had a guy come in acting rudely to the greeter, who then referred them over to myself. Guy was in his fifties and looked liked he lived in his car. Proceeds to tell me he needs five thousand dollars to fly to Washington to solve the murder of his son and retrieve the body. He does not want to do any paperwork for this and tells me he’s a cocaine dealer, and he wants to leave ten thousand dollars worth of coke for the five grand cash without even showing an ID. He assures me he’s a professional and in the 26 years he’s been doing it he’s only been arrested twice. Though he mentioned he did just get out of jail on unrelated-to-cocaine charges. I had to decline his generous and exciting proposal cause ya know, everything (Source)
Let’s Try That Loan One More Time
I worked at a call center for credit union. I would tell people balances, take loan applications, etc. So, an elderly man would spend hundreds of dollars a week at a liquor store spending everything in his account. He would call up, obviously drunk, wanting his account balance and wanting to know why his debit card was declined. Well, he spent all his money at the liquor store. So, he would ask for a loan for more money (probably to buy more alcohol.) Because of the law or whatever, we were not allowed to decline him for applying for a loan. So, we had to fill out a loan application, just for him to be not be approved for it obviously. He would apply for loans once, even twice a month. Never approved. I honestly think he was drunk all the time and never remembered applying for loans. Finally, after, I think a year of this, this issue eventually made it’s way up to the head people of the credit union and they decided they would have him come in…with a family member, and discuss his account. I think they had an intervention with him and made a family member present just in case this guy was suffering from dementia and needed family to take over his financials from him (a la power of attorney, etc.) From what I hear, it went good. I never heard of him applying for a loan again, to my knowledge. If he did ever call in again, he was suppose to be sent to a manager for another discussion over the phone. Not really an absurd reason as it is a sad one. (Source)
In Shark-Infested Waters
Had a guy come in and try and get a title loan against his car. I worked for a credit union and this product was not promoted or even truly offered. But since we were small they could be pretty lenient with what we could do for customers. The guy also had a mortgage with us, two credit cards(which were almost maxed out), and good payment history. So they let me go through with beginning the application. Not much in his checking account and no savings so when we got to the income part I was surprised to hear that he made 100K a year with 20-30K in bonuses (worked for a big tech company). Check his direct deposits and the amounts checked out. So finally we get to the end where I’m asking for purpose of the loan. And this dude is skirting around but I tell him because of KYC regulations even if it was for “personal” use we need a reason. So eventually he concedes and tells me he owes a couple of friends (loan sharks) some money and they need it back really badly (or they would hurt him) and that he owed more than the car so he intended to use it to raise the money through quick investing (Gambling). The dude needed to pay off his loan shark debts cause he was insanely addicted to gambling and apparently terrible at it. He did not get approved. I felt bad for him but it’s like come on dude. You 100% did this to yourself. (Source)
There Has to Be an Easier Way
Not a banker, but I am a pawnbroker. A frequent customer, who happens to be a gambling addict goes to best buy and buys a brand new 1000 dollar tv on her credit card, brings it to my shop and borrows a few hundred bucks on the tv. Proceeds to go to the indian casino, wins a bunch of money, comes back and pays back what she owes me for the tv loan which all things considered is very cheap (like 20 bucks to borrow 300) then returns the tv to best buy so she doesn’t have to pay the rates for a cash advance on her card. A long crazy process to get extra gambling cash. I am not even sure its cheaper for her to do it that way than to just get cash on her card. She has done that about 5 times though, we see no reason not to do it but I am certain there are more efficient ways to spend your money. (Source)
That’s One Impressive Business Plan
Crazy old lady came to our small credit union to request a multi-million dollar loan to open a water park. Her “business plan” was handwritten on unlined paper. She also claimed that she was the divorced wife of a country music star. (Source)
What a Load of BS
Had one guy come in trying to get a loan for a car. He really wanted a brand new Dodge Charger but he was unemployed and in the process of applying for Ontario Works (welfare). I was just a teller but I introduced him to the financial representative that could help him. When she pulled up his credit she saw that he had a loan with another bank that wasn’t being paid. He told her that was because the interest they were charging him was bullsh*t and he won’t pay them back. Needless to say he still doesn’t have his Dodge Charger. (Source)
A Mixed Bag of Excuses
Oh where to start. Had one customer who wanted to borrow funds to start a theme park based Around tents, no where near other people, with projections that between 600,000 — 800,000 people would attend per year. Another customer wanted a loan using his ex wife’s house as collateral / on the basis that he had paid for it so it was really his money anyway. Third customer wanting to borrow funds to start a snow manufacturing and delivery business for Christmas (in rural Australia, where Christmas is held in summer and is rarely under 30 Celsius) Fourth customer wanting to buy a Range Rover while on Centrelink (state welfare) with a non-payment period because she “could use the car to meet someone who could pay for It” The list goes on. (Source)
Can You Spot Me $50?
I’m just a teller, so I don’t deal with loans much. There was one guy who said he just needed $50 until he got paid. And I said, well do you have a credit card? We can do a cash advance. He said no, he needs a loan. I said, I don’t think there’s anyway we can give you a $50 loan. He said, well can you just give it to me and then take it out of my account when my check comes in? I said, that’s not really something we do and probably no one to actually record and monitor it. He said, BUT YOU’RE A BANK!! and then stormed off. I just gave my manager the WTF look. (Source)
He Didn’t Live up to the Expectations
A 20-something dude who just started out a “career” as “area sales manager” for some MLM bullsh*t scam wanted to buy a Mercedes to “adequately represent his profession / position”, something in the range of 60k EUR. Needless to say the loan was denied, and since he had his current account with us, I would check it periodically for the big bucks he claimed would be rolling in soon. Didn’t even take 2 months until he was on welfare. (Source)
Who Really Needs a Plan?
i had one customer who wanted to open a restaurant. She had a good deal of experience managing a restaurant which is great. Unfortunately she had nothing planned, not even a location. She walked in to ask about a loan with no idea what she was going to use it for. (Source)
This Is my Pet Revenge Snake
Buying a revenge snake. A customer walks in. He asks for $200. I asked him why as he was filling out the paperwork. He said his Ex has been breaking into his house almost every night, but she is terrified of snakes. He was going to buy a massive snake and sleep with it, until she stops breaking in. If she doesn’t he is going to release the snake into her apartment. I gave him a mortified look, worrying that his genius will escape him. He gave me a $5 tip and walked off smugly. And he went to buy his revenge snake. (Source)
The Math Doesn’t Add Up
I am an initial reviewer for loans when they first come in for a VERY large bank. I saw a couple that owned a large bag making company. On every loan you have to disclose how much money you make every month so the bank can set a fair interest rate.
This couple made a combined total of $500,000 a month and were applying for a house that had an appraised value of $600,000. That made no sense to me to be honest… Like in 2 months you could buy that house. I have seen a lot of crazy things when it comes to how much people make in certain fields. (Source)
A Meaty Excuse
A guy who sold steaks had used all of his customers money (30k) on his own stuff. He was supposed to deliver $30,000 of steaks that had already been paid for in 2 weeks. He wanted a loan to get more steaks. Spoiler alert: his credit was not fantastic. He also left me voicemails for the next 2 months that consisted of him saying “hello” repeatedly or cursing. (Source)
The Costs of Being a Clown
Not a bank, but I used to work in economic development making small business loans. A dude came in asking to borrow $200 to start a clown business. He had an itemized budget consisting of red nose, crazy wig, big shoes, balloons, etc. We did not make the loan, in part because he was sketchy as hell. I wish I still had his loan application. (Source)
A Home for Monkeys
I had a guy call up one time trying to get a loan to build a home for his pet monkeys. They were stinking up his living area and he wanted them to have their own place. (Source)
I’ll Fire Them All
Work in wealth management, had a client request a ‘loan’ from her trust fund. She was attending college and flunking out, and she wanted to BUY the private school and fire all the teachers who were ‘plotting against her’. Sadly, that request was denied. (Source)
It’s All About the Fur
Oh man… So much.. so so much. Had an elderly woman come in for a personal loan so she could buy another fur coat because “Darling, everything in life is better with fur”. She also would open a pocket book that looked like a photo album and ask us to start at the first card and see which ones we could withdraw cash from. There must have been 40 of the damn things in there. She’d patiently wait for us to run cards while she stood in her fur coat, in July, in 100+ degree weather. Had a guy come in asking for a loan to open a Greek restaurant. He wasn’t Greek, didn’t cook, and had never been in the restaurant industry “But he knew a good gyro when he saw one” and “He saw a sweet spot for it on the way to the bank today” Had a 16 year old kid come in for an auto loan. Turns out he’d wrecked his dad’s truck and wanted to fix it before dad found out. “I can just fix it now and then once I get a job…” (Source)
That Sounds Like a Legit Business Idea
Once had a guy try to get a loan to start his business of home pharmaceutical sales. With two previous convictions for hard drugs.
At that point it’s like he’s not even trying to be clever. (Source)
I’ll Take a 747, Please
I had a client call up and demand a loan so he could buy an airplane. Like a 747. He was stuck in a storm in O’Hare and wanted to fly home. He was upset the airline wouldn’t fly because it was unsafe. One of the more bizarre calls I’ve taken… (Source)