It is safe to say that things did not end well for the clients but at least their lawyers tried...
“Natural Born Killer”
“My client wore a shirt that said ‘Natural Born Killer’ on it to a hearing. For an assault charge. I had him turn it inside out. He went down anyway, but at least it was for, you know, actually assaulting someone, rather than the shirt” (source).
“We didn’t win that case…”
“My all time favorite is a client I had who was charged with Driving Under the Influence (DUI), who wanted to challenge the charges on the grounds he didn’t think he was drunk and the tests was administered improperly… He appeared at his court hearings rip-roarin’ drunk twice. Both times, he got into his car and tried to drive away and BOTH TIMES, the police promptly stopped him, administered a breathalyzer and charged him with DUI and related offenses. We didn’t win that case” (source).
Confessing for Different Crimes
“Told a client ‘don’t say anything to the police, wait until I get there.’ He then proceeds to confess to a crime he wasn’t being investigated for” (source).
End of Argument
“Had a client show up to a child custody hearing high on methamphetamine. When she arrived, she began screaming at the judge and demanding that her ‘no good meth head baby daddy’ be drug tested. I took her in the hallway and told her that if the judge ordered a drug test for the dad, he would have to order one for her. She shut up immediately. End of argument”(source).
Not the Brightest Idea
“I worked for the Public Defenders office and met a client in jail for a line-up that he had adamantly demanded regarding a crime with multiple witnesses. I met the client for the first time in a separate room to let him know how it would go down and what to expect. This is the kind of line-up you traditionally see on television where there are a number of similar looking people standing shoulder to shoulder in front of mirrored glass. They pull the people for the line-up from the jail population and despite their best efforts this is not a huge population. I walk in to meet the client and he has a stye on his left lower eyelid the size of a golf ball. It was the most identifiable mark on a human’s face i have ever seen. He still demanded the line-up and was identified instantly by every single witness without a shred of doubt in their mind. He still demanded a trial and the stye was gone by the time the trial commenced” (source).
Needless to say….
“I represent clients before the IRS. Had a couple who owed around $250,000 in back taxes. We had no defense, so the only thing to do was have the clients meet with the IRS and plead for leniency. Well, the wife got arrogant with the IRS agent, and at one point stood up and screamed at the IRS agent (who was a pretty decent person, making a very middle class wage) ‘You’ll take away my Mercedes over my dead body!’ Then she stormed out of the conference room. Needless to say, she lost the Mercedes” (source).
Interrupted by the Judge
“My dad was a lawyer in the navy. One of his first big cases was defending a guy accused of falling asleep at his post during Vietnam. My dad was all psyched, delivering what he thought was well prepared defense to the judge. The judge interrupted him, telling him to turn around and wake up his client” (source).
All Because of Facebook…
“The case had gone on for years. Client was badly injured in a car accident and was about to win millions. Then she posted a Facebook status about her doing something very active and thus negating the entire case. Had to settle for $100,000. Years of work down the drain in one Facebook status” (source).
“Client shows up for preliminary hearing on domestic violence petition. He is wearing ratty t-shirt but his attorney doesn’t pay attention to it. Attorney starts arguing and sees the judge turning bright red, fuming with anger. Judge asks the attorney if he spoke with his client about courtroom attire. Attorney looks down….. Client is wearing a t-shirt that says ‘I have the dick so I make the rules'”(source).
“Even the judge facepalmed on that one…”
“I was defending a guy in court. The main witness for prosecution was on the stand, and was asked if she could identify the defendant. She was scanning the courtroom & seemed confused – I was already silently celebrating because if she couldn’t identify him, then we could probably get all charged dropped. As I was mentally adding this case to the ‘win’ file, I happened to glance over at my client, who had just helpfully raised his hand to make it easier for her to identify him. Even the judge face-palmed on that one” (source).
“During a divorce, the ex-husband claimed that he didn’t make much or any money and wasn’t able to pay the child support we were asking him to pay. A few hours after receiving this information he posts a picture on his public Facebook of a wad of cash talking about how ‘Ballin’ he was. Needless to say his claim didn’t hold up after that” (source)
“So I was representing a kid accused of conspiracy to supply crack cocaine. He was accused of acting as a lookout, warning the others whenever the police were approaching. He had a fantastic case and it looked like he was going to win. On the day of trial he turned up for trial wearing a HUGE t-shirt with the Warner Brothers Logo on. Above and below the WB logo was printed ‘If you see da pigs… Warn A Brother.’ He refused to change. ‘Nah bud, no white boy tells me how to dress.’ He was convicted” (source).
“Arguing for my client to be released on his own recog. The judge asks him where he is going to live. ‘With my fiancé,’ he says. He spins a lovely tale about how wonderful his fiancé is, how supportive, did he mention they are having a baby and he wants to get out of jail and take care of his soon-to-be wife and kid to support them properly? The judge asks the courtroom, ‘could Defendant’s fiancé please approach the bench?’ From opposite sides of the room, two women stand up and start walking to the front. One is about 4 months pregnant and the other is nearly 9 months pregnant. They are looking at each other with identical expressions of ‘Who the f–ck are you?’ You could see the exact moment when each of them realized, ‘that b–tch is fucking my man.’ The fight started before they even got to counsel’s table. Pregnancy or not, these chicks were seriously trying to kill one another. The bailiffs had to stop laughing long enough to break up the fight. My client says, ‘F–ck, your Honor, I didn’t think they’d both come.’ The judge said he was denying bail for my client’s own protection” (source).
A Very Messy Paternity Suit
“Not my client, but a lawyer friend of mine had a client who went on a double date with his friend. He and his friend decided it would be a good idea to have sex with their respective dates in his van. The problem is, they had only one condom. They decided to share it. After one finished, the other proceeded to invert the dirty condom and have sex with his girl. The girl got pregnant from his friend’s sperm that was on the condom that he was wearing. The result: A very messy paternity suit” (source).
Easiest Conviction Ever
“Accused bank robber at a bail hearing was told by the judge his bond was set at $100,000 and explained to him that meant he could post $10,000 in cash to be released pending trial. He asked the accused if he had $10,000 for bail. The accused replied ‘Judge, if I had $10,000 I wouldn’t have been robbing the bank.’ The US attorney asked for a copy of the transcript, easiest conviction ever”(source).
“Not a lawyer but someone I went to high school with was arrested. He served his jail time and ended up out of jail on probation. He couldn’t find a job to pay for his probation and court costs so he decided to rob a bank. He walks into the bank and hands a note to the teller saying he’s robbing the place and give him money. She does and he leaves. She flips his note over after he left to find that the piece of paper he used was the backside of his probation papers with his address and info all over it. He was back in jail shortly there after” (source).
“I prosecuted a bank robber. I think he pled guilty mostly to avoid having my show bank surveillance cam photos to the jury. See, he robbed a bank while wearing saggy pants. When the tried to leap over the half-door that separated the teller area from the customer area the pants came off and tripped him and he fell on his face. The cameras captured, in exquisite detail, the change in his facial expression from bravado to concern to terror as his pants came off” (source).