TSA officers are necessary for our safety, but that does not mean they should be asking stupid questions! Reading these stories about the ridiculous things uninformed TSA officers have done will have you smh-ing to the max.
Cochlear Implant Troubles
“I have a cochlear implant. (with a magnet embedded in my skull to hold the device in place.) I never go through the metal detectors. I always have the stupid grope. One time I went through, they asked me why I ‘wanted’ the pat down. Refraining from smart-a** jokes, I told them it was because of my cochlear implant. They did not believe me and asked me to take it out to show them. I showed the (external) processor. They wanted to see the magnet part, despite my telling them it was under my scalp, placed in a niche in my skull where the bone had been removed.”
Anything You Don’t Know?
“My friend was stopped by a TSA agent after arriving at LAX and taken into a separate room for questioning (he has a lazy eye and looks high pretty much all the time). Another agent walked up to his dad and asked in a really aggressive voice ‘Is there anything you don’t know about your son that we should know about?'”
“Everywhere I Take My Hats”
“I went to Mexico last year and I took a few cowboy hats with me. I have a special container I keep them in so they wont get damaged when I travel. Now by itself this container looks oddly shaped and weird so I can understand it arising suspicion. Entering the states in LAX I was flagged for second inspection and sure enough the agent asked about it like so: Agent: Whats this? Me: Its a container for my hats (as I open it and show him) Agent: Do you takes this everywhere with you? Me: Everywhere I take my hats. Awkward silence ensues…Agent: Welcome to California”
“Like gunpowder?”
“TSA agent in airport in Vermont was checking out my shotgun before sending it through to be loaded on the plane. Comes up to me after a few minutes and asks: ‘This firearm has tested positive for explosive residue’ ME: ‘Like gunpowder?’ TSA dude: ‘Oh’ hangs head and walks away” (source)
“Have you seen your economy?”
“Not wonderfully on topic, but TSA stupidity: I’m 23 and Australian. I travel on my own a fair amount. I arrived in the US, and started going through customs when I was pulled off into a separate room. After they’d gone through everything (notebooks, texts, washing powder. (He looked so very excited, briefly.)) And asked how I could afford to travel and take time off work, I passed, or whatever. After they gave me my passport back asked what the h*ll that was all about. ‘You’re a young female traveller. You might have been trying to get a job here.’ ‘Have you seen your economy?’ He had no response to that.” (source)
“Super ripped the sh–t out of him”
“‘What is this?’ –he’s going through my diabetes kit and found my lancet cartridges. –really? It’s a lancet to prick my finger for diabetes blood glucose monitoring– ‘I can’t let you take this on the aircraft’ –Sir, that’s not an option of yours, TSA policies especially allow diabetes and other medical testing supplies, get me your super– Super ripped the sht out of him (flat out dismissed him so he can study the policies again), apologized to me and let me on my way. TSA can be flat out irritating at times, but some of them at least try to not sck.” (source)
Strong Prescription
“I’ve got a TSA story that’ll be buried, but it’s pretty amusing. Preface: I went scuba diving in Italy on vacation. Got a massive ear infection. It was so bad, I shocked the doctor and he had to give me a few injections just to reduce the swelling in time for my flight back. So, I’ve got a few bottles of medication going through security. All Italian, with the prescriptions in Italian, all clearly labeled with my name. Get to US Customs. Go to the medical line (and get to witness firsthand a TSA agent manhandle a ~4 year old girl in a wheelchair. Not something I ever want to see again). TSA agent pulls one of the bottles of syrup out (it was a narcotic syrup). TSA: ‘Is this yours?’ Me: ‘It’s in my luggage, it has my name on it, and my prescription is taped to the bottle.’ TSA: ‘Yeah, but is it yours?!’ Me: ‘I don’t know, you see any other person with my name in this line?’ TSA: ‘Alright, smartass, drink it.’ Me: ‘Fine.’ I drank a dose. It was incredibly bitter, and I made a face. TSA: ‘Woah, woah, woah. Drink more. You made a face.’ Me: ‘You serious? I just drank my 12 hour dose. You want me to OD?’ TSA: ‘Aha! So it’s drugs! I’ll have to take this from you.” Me: ?_? Me: ‘Of course it’s drugs, nimwit. You think doctors write prescriptions for sugar syrup? If you want to keep that bottle, you’ll need a warrant.’ TSA: ‘I don’t need a warrant, I’m confiscating your drugs. Want me to get the DEA over here?!’ Me: ‘Actually, yes. Go get the DEA. Get them, and tell them to bring an officer, because you’re stealing a Schedule II drug, which is a felony.’ By the time the DEA guy gets there (yes, he was called), I was kind of out of it from the narcotics. DEA guy looks at the bottle, my prescription, and my passport, smacks the TSA guy, and waves me through. I slur out a ‘Thanks,’ flip the TSA guy a bird, and stagger off to my plane. I was still a few hours early, so I had to grab a bite and a coffee to stop from passing out. Seriously, that doctor wrote me for something strong. I still don’t remember what it was.” (source)
Too Many Zippers
“My twin sister was pulled by the TSA for having ‘too many zippers’ on her pants. She was wearing cargo pants and had a total of three different zippers. Wtf?” (source)
Catheter Trouble
“Someone just told me about someone they knew had to remove a catheter at the airport because of TSA. Then I got to thinking.. Wait a second.. I have a friend from Ontario. Last year he and his wife came to visit me. He literally has to sht in a bag because they had to remove his colon due to his condition (he has ulcerative colitis) and he has to do that for the rest of his days. Sht in a bag, empty it out. his wife told me that had a hard time at the airport.. but never explained..” (source)
“What race are you?”
“TSA: So what race are you? Me: Coconut with a dash of blue TSA: Can you step this way please? To clarify I’m a south asian chap who looks slightly asian and has a British accent.” (source)
“awesome watchfulness”
“Since you mentioned TSA officers, I’ll recount a tale of my experience with a TSA officer. I waited in line in front of one of these classic Texas businessmen in a Texas airport. The guy had expensive pressed jeans, name-brand expensive golf shirt, expensive ostrich-leather boots, giant expensive gold watch, and a giant belt buckle. He was from the start making it clear how much it was wasting his time to go through that line. He kept crowding me, checking his watch, and generally demonstrating how important his time was in that way they have. As luck would have it, we didn’t have a person minding the entry side of the metal detector. He failed to take that huge belt buckle off and crowded me, so the alarm went off. sigh The chick who showed up to wand me passed the wand over several times, to no avail. It wasn’t going to beep because the metal which set off the detector wasn’t on me. Finally, the woman asks me what I thought set it off. I shrugged as I didn’t think that was my job to discern, and I wasn’t sure if it was a trick question. Eventually, she lit on the gold-toned plastic of the cheap plastic money clip I carry when I am flying so as not to necessitate taking out my cash and drop it into the container while passing the detector. Yeah, that is some awesome watchfulness, TSA. Meanwhile, the guy behind me had to go back and remove his belt as he also set the thing off.” (source)
Hip Weapons@@@
“When I was about 12, my family was flying from Colorado to Kentucky to visit my grandparents. At DIA, I was going through security and the shorts I was wearing had little metal clasps that set off the detectors. So I got a nice friendly pat down from Mr. TSA Guard. While he was going over my hip, is stopped and got this scared look on his face. He went back over my hip bone a couple times, looks me dead in the eye and says, ‘Are there any weapons or explosives you are carrying on your person?’. Being the 12 year old I was, I lifted my shirt, pointed at my protruding hip bone and said, ‘Well that there is my hip!’. In the background I saw other guards start pointing and cracking up, and the guys face turned the reddest I have ever seen. Needless to say, he let me go on into the terminal.” (source)
Twice In One Day@@@
“I have type 1 diabetes, and use a pump, the pump I use does not look like a normal pump nor can it be taken off like a normal one. TSA: Sir, what is your hip. Me: A lifesaving medical device (this is what you say if you have a pump) TSA: Can you remove it? Me: No. TSA: Why not? Me: because I will die a horrible death that will end in defecation and urination. I got pulled for a pat down and they knocked off my pump. I had to change it in the bathroom. I loved the fact that I got to stab my self 2 times that day. If you wanted to know, I am on the OmniPod.” (source)
Spanish@@
“Going through the airport on my way back from studying abroad in Peru, the TSA agent asked me, ‘What did you have to study in Peru that you couldn’t study in America?’ Response: Spanish.” (source)
American Mailing Address, Please???
“My own TSA story – entering the US, passing through on my way to El Salvador, there was this fat overbearing piece of sht checking forms and passports. I hand him my Australian passport, and some form. He gets very aggressive, because I didn’t provide a US postal address. He’s yelling at me ‘Why didn’t you fill this in?’ I said to him as calm as I could something along the lines of ‘I live in Australia, I’m going to El Salvador. I didn’t provide a US postal address because I. Don’t. Have. One.’ No apology, the fat f**k just waved me through dismissively. Goddmn I wanted to punch that man right in his second chin.” (source)
New Shoes
“TSA asked to look at my shoes because he has never seen shoe like mine before. I said ‘Tennis Shoes’?” (source)
Three Inches of Hair
“A TSA agent once pulled me aside and patted down my ponytail. They asked me what I kept in there. I answered ‘three inches of hair’.” (source)
Explosive Tears@@@
“This isn’t a stupid question/stupid answer moment but one time, I was ‘randomly selected’ for extra screening after I started sobbing in line. (I kept having to explain that I was crying because I hate goodbyes.) After going through my backpack, the TSA agent tested my tears for explosive substances.” (source)