Everything They Did Only Made The Judge Madder
“I was in court for a speeding ticket. The prosecutor didn’t offer me a reduction so I pleaded not guilty. We got into court and the judge called the officer who pulled me over to the stand. He hadn’t shown. The judge was already irritated and he asked the prosecutor where the cop was. The prosecutor admitted he hadn’t called the cop to come because he had assumed I wouldn’t show or would plead guilty.
The judge was really angry. Then the idiot prosecutor made the mistake of asking the judge if we could wait an hour for the cop to come in. The judge lost his mind, livid that we all arrived on time and this idiot prosecutor couldn’t be bothered to do his job correctly. The judge told us the case was dismissed but we were not dismissed from the table and had to stand there for ten minutes while he chewed the prosecutor out. He made us wait and witness him chewing out the guy for messing up the entire trial. It still blows my mind that he told us the case was dismissed but he forbid us from leaving just so he could continue to castigate the prosecutor.”
He Wasn’t Even On Trial, But He Still Wound Up On The Judge’s Bad Side
“During my first year of law school, our mentor told our group that there was a student who volunteered to be a witness for another student’s mock trial, adjudicated by a local state court judge. The law school had a close connection with the county court.
So this student was instructed to be a hostile witness, which he interpreted to be a toxic imbecile, cussing out everyone (including the judge), instead of the typical definition of intractable or unwilling. The judge cautioned the student to tone it down. The student carried on. The judge called him into chambers. Told him to settle down and be polite. The student got indignant. He started telling the judge how his dad was a hotshot lawyer in the city and that the judge was just a petty state court judge.
The judge did not take this well. It was so bad that the dean of the law school strongly encouraged the student to withdraw from the school. The judge would likely have blocked the student from being admitted to the bar on character and fitness grounds. The county court almost severed relations with the school, which would be damaging a decade’s long relationship and an excellent trial advocacy program.
Moral of the story: don’t mess around with the judiciary, especially when you are most of the way through law school and having to ask a committee of jurists and attorneys to find you of sound character and judgment.”
We’re Starting To Think She Had No Idea How A Court Worked
“An angry defendant was representing herself. The judge gave some latitude and told her to speak to the plaintiff’s attorney for a bit, maybe they could reach a deal. They came back. It’s clear she didn’t feel like listening or being nice. The judge went through the ‘Do you dispute you owe X amount of money?’
Defendant: ‘I guess, if that’s what he said.’
Judge: ‘I need a yes or no.’
Defendant: ‘Sure.’
Judge: ‘You can say no if you don’t think so or don’t think it’s fair or you can’t afford it.’
Defendant: ‘Yeah, I owe him.’
The judge paused for a bit, then told her she was entering an order requiring her to pay it. This prompted the defendant to storm out of the courtroom, yelling, ‘I’ll see you in court!’
We all just kind of looked at one another and shrugged.”
This Judge Has Just Had Enough
“I sat through almost a full day’s worth of hearings once (part of a school project). It was fascinating watching the judge’s bad day get worse and worse.
He was saddled most of the morning with a public defender who apparently got most of his training from watching Matlock. The guy would scream and make dramatic motions to the judge and the judge would have to pause things to tell him what he could and couldn’t do.
He had two or three quick cases in a row that just had technical foul-ups. Like, one guy spoke only Spanish, but the court hadn’t procured a translator. So, he sat there with his head in the hands while they searched for the translator. Another guy kept trying to talk about how the US court system is illegitimate and kept interrupting the judge until a bailiff stood behind him.
By the end of the day, the judge had one more case: a very basic criminal charge for possession, I believe. Anyway, the guy comes in wearing a t-shirt with a drawing of a woman, wearing nothing at all, so every body was exposed. The judge just had enough. He cited the guy for contempt, fined him, yelled at him, and then kicked him out so that he could turn his shirt inside out. He’d spent most of the day just kind of patiently working, but you could see every little thing stacking up.”
This Stoner Wasn’t A Stone, Cold Genius
“I was young and dumb got busted with weed. I was annoyed because I thought it was nonsense. It’s just a plant. I had no idea how any of this worked so I just went to court and said guilty when he called my name. The judge advised me not to do that and to get a public defender. So they sent me to a different floor and I got myself a public defender. Since I was annoyed, I wore a pro-weed shirt that had a giant pot leaf on it to make some kind of statement. It was winter so when I first saw the judge, I was still wearing my coat. My public defender just laughed when he sees what I was wearing after taking my coat off and then he told me it would be best if I turned my shirt inside out and didn’t go before the judge with that shirt on, like ever. He probably saved me from a good verbal berating from the judge and maybe then some who knows.”
The Judge Gives The Guy What He Deserves, With Attitude
“A very kindly judge has been presiding over a child abuse trial for ages, being very nice to everyone, including the defendant. The defendant, who was 70+ by the time he was caught, was found guilty. Everyone in court was worried that the kindly judge would take pity on this old man and give a light sentence.
Judge hands down consecutive sentences for many many charges, adding up to 50 years.
Now guilty man spluttered, ‘But I’m an old man, I can’t do that long.’
The judge said to him with his kindliest voice, ‘There, there. just do as much as you can.'”
The Judge Had One Heck Of A Rant For This Reckless Father
“I was in court contesting a speeding fine – I was on my provisional licence in NSW, Australia at the time and I was caught doing 7km/hr over the speed limit during a ‘double demerits’ holiday period – all speeding offences are modified to 4 demerit points on your P (provisional) plates and double demerits meant I earned 8 demerit points for 7km/hr over the limit. As a ‘Green P Plate’ driver, I only had 7 demerit points available on my license, so I would have lost it for 3 months without contesting.
While I was waiting for my case to be called, the magistrate heard the case of a 40-something-year-old well-dressed man. These were her words exactly:
‘I don’t care that you’re an upstanding member of your community, you have positive character witnesses and are a member of the Lions Club (a charitable organization). The fact is that you were traveling 45km/hr over the speed limit with your wife in the passenger seat and your two young children in the back. How would you live with yourself if your actions killed your children? Worse still, if you had killed someone else’s children? Good on you for paying a lot for an expensive solicitor but you’re losing your license for 12 months, and you’re paying court costs.’
Thank God my case was heard after recess and a more lenient magistrate came on.”
The Ex That Lost Her Mind In Court
Ollyy/Shutterstock
“I was a character witness (I had to testify as to the character of someone I knew, in court) during a divorce.
My friend’s ex-wife had made a number of claims at the first hearing and since she had no evidence of these claims, other than her own words, but he had no evidence other than HIS words, his lawyer asked me to provide testimony as to my friend’s character.
Every time I mentioned the money my friend spent on his ex and her family, she would stand up and scream at me, calling me a liar…But the court already had the evidence of that stuff, bank statements from when he took out a $50k loan to help his in-laws pay off their house (on the promise they would pay him back $5k a year for 10 years, which they never did) and the fact he also cosigned for her younger sister on a car, and that her sister had never made a single payment, but he made the payments to make sure the college girl had a car.
The judge never lost his cool, until the very end.
I finished my testimony, by stating my friend had in fact been physically assaulted by her, in my presence, and he had opted not to press charges (this was another thing that was easily proven as the same event lead to her being cited for disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace).
She decided to throw the water pitcher at me. She couldn’t get it to reach halfway from her table to the witness stand. I will never forget the look on her lawyer’s face. You know that scene, in almost every fantasy movie? Where a character slowly realizes that the dragon is waking up and they are really in trouble?
Yeah.”
How Could Anyone Keep A Straight Face In The Courtroom?
“I used to work at a trial law firm. Some of the stuff I have heard was hysterical.
Witness: ‘…he’s an effing, lying-‘
Judge: ‘Sir, there shall be no profanity in my courtroom.’
Witness in all sincerity: ‘[Censored], Judge, I’m sorry…’
The courtroom erupted in laughter as the judge facepalmed and the witness really was confused about why everyone was laughing.
Another:
This was on Tuesday. The defendant was picked up on Saturday night and was still too wasted to appear on Monday morning.
Judge: ‘Sir, do you even know where you are right now?’
Defendant: ‘Is that a Tennessee flag your honor?’
Judge: ‘Yes, that is the flag of Tennessee and the other one is The US flag. So son, do you know where you are and how you got here?’
Defendant: (Shrugs) ‘Aliens?’
Yet another:
Plaintiff’s attorney to a federal judge: ‘Where did you get your degree? Out of a Cracker Jack Box?’
Judge: ‘Harvard…And you?’
Attorney: [Names a law school NO ONE even knew existed]
Judge: ‘Well, I guess they didn’t teach you that being insufferable to a federal judge in a trial would not only result in a mistrial, it would also result in you spending your weekend in jail for contempt. Marshalls, please.’
After the plaintiff’s attorney was taken away and the jury was thanked for their service, the judge turned to the plaintiff.
Judge: ‘Ma’am, that man is a miserable excuse for counsel and I would suggest you look elsewhere. Otherwise, I expect you will lose this, from what it appears, a rather reasonable case.’
We were working the other side but didn’t dare object because we had so many cases in front of him. Our defense strategy was that he was a joke and he would blow it. She got someone decent and we settled about a month later.”
He Seemed So Quiet And Normal At First
“I was in court to hand over some insurance, payment, and paperwork stuff to the judge regarding a wreck I had caused when I was 16. But I had gotten there late so they had moved onto the next case.
This guy, who was dressed in a three-piece-suit, was very quiet for the most part as the judge said that this was his third drinking and driving case in less than a year, and this meant his license was being revoked ‘permanently’ and he had the chance to regain his license in three years at another hearing after he had served his sentence of 16 months in prison and did all the required stuff that comes with regaining your license after drinking and driving.
Well, the guy’s lawyer accepted the decision and the guy in the suit just nodded. Then, right before the judge had them leave to do whatever it is you do when you are convicted of drinking and driving, the man pulled his freaking pants down and told the judge that his junk is too small to go to jail.
Yep…16-year-old me got called back to testify on his ‘aggravated’ indecent exposure case. He’s now a lifetime member of the offender registry.”
When In Doubt, Claim Death
“Court Clerk here – aka the pretty lady who sits next to the judge. After almost five years with the judiciary, there are a million and one stories I can tell based on the carelessness or stupidity of the general population.
One of the craziest days was when there was an animal abuse case on the docket and protesters came to sit in open court. As the judge was sentencing the defendant, a protester jumped up from her seat and started screaming. She was quickly rushed out of the courtroom. I don’t remember if the judge charged her with contempt of court.
One of my favorite judge stories is when a father and son got traffic tickets. As the judge was calling the calendar, the father’s name came up and the son exclaimed, ‘Oh, I think he died. Can you look into that?’ I had to turn my chair around because I was laughing and didn’t want the audience to see me lose it.”
These Two Definitely Need A Divorce
Tiko Aramyan/Shutterstock
“I recently completed an internship at my local court. One afternoon, a judge was hearing a case of a teenage boy who committed a serious crime. I never found out exactly what he did, but it was a felony and his case had to be transferred to Circuit Court.
The parents didn’t like that too much and began screaming and fighting each with each other. Each parent was trying to put the blame on the other parent for what their son did. When the bailiffs tried to break them apart, the father tried to reach for one of the bailiff’s weapon and aim it at the judge. The whole building had to go on lockdown for thirty minutes until things calmed down.”
They Took Their Food As Seriously As They Took Their Job
“I’m a deputy prosecutor in a small town. I wasn’t in court for this one, but it happened in the court I’m usually in. There’s this huge guy, ‘Johnny,’ who’s also a huge bully to everyone. Johnny’s in court for violating probation. The judge has a reputation as kind of a softy. Johnny mouthed off to the judge so the judge made him go sit down again while he handled other cases.
When Johnny came up again, our court security officer was near him in case anything happens. The guy mouthed off to the judge again, so the judge sentenced him to five days in jail, and to be taken into custody immediately. The security guy put his hand on Johnny’s shoulder and said, ‘Don’t resist Johnny.’ Johnny threw his hand off, jumped up and squared off with the security guy. Security guy calmly pulled out his taser and nailed Johnny right in the chest. Johnny went down like a falling tree.
Here’s the best part: security guy was holding Johnny down and got on his radio, yelling, ‘Taser, taser, taser, courtroom two!’ That’s to tell backup to haul butt up there. This happened to be on the day of my town’s annual festival, which includes a food fair next to the courthouse. The only backup officers available were at the food fair eating ridiculously overpriced corn dogs. So three officers go sprinting up the courthouse steps and run into the courtroom with $8 corn dogs in hand to help restrain Johnny.”
He Didn’t Want To Help Out His Ex Or The Child, So The Judge Did It
“I was waiting in family court for some divorce stuff with my ex-wife and saw another guy get figuratively smacked down by the female judge.
The poor folks, the separated but not divorced yet guy, and his estranged wife were arguing about possession and the use of a Jeep Grand Cherokee, especially for her to use to transport their baby to daycare etc.
The guy showed up alone, his wife showed with her mother and a lawyer. She didn’t have a car so her lawyer argued about her getting the Jeep to use even though it’s in the guy’s name, which is why he didn’t want to give it up. The judge called the guy to the stand and inquired about any separation agreement in force. The guy said no agreements were in force. The judge asked him how he got to the court this morning. The guy answered, ‘Drove the Jeep.’
The judge literally turned toward him, held out her hand, and said, ‘Hand over the keys to the Jeep.’
The guy was like, ‘Whaaaaaat?’ And the entire courtroom cracked up laughing at him.
Judge: ‘Give me the Jeep keys and parking garage ticket.’
Guy: ‘How do I get home?’
Judge: ‘Call a friend, call a taxi, or ride the bus, I’m awarding possession of the jeep to your wife until you figure out a separation agreement or the divorce agreement is processed.’
The guy had to give up the keys and parking garage ticket and also had to go with the bailiff to get his fishing rod and tackle out of the Jeep. The way everyone in court understood it was until they were formally separated with an agreement, the child was equally both of their responsibility as was property (the jeep), so the husband needed to support his child’s welfare and let the wife use the jeep.”
She Wasn’t Just Rude To The Witness, She Mouthed Off To The Judge Too
“My great uncle died and his roommate of many decades tried to claim they had been married and that she should get everything. In our state, you don’t count as a common law spouse until both of you make a written statement of some kind stating such.
His will stated that everything of his was to be sold and $60,000 was to go to his sister who raised him and the rest was to be split between his adopted daughter and her daughter.
The judge stated that this must be carried out and this woman said, ‘Well what do you know, idiot? That will could be fake!’ I was called to the stand to confirm that I had seen the will signed and made all official and she then told the judge, ‘You’re stupid for letting her speak, she’s a moron with autism.’ For that, she spent the night in jail
She was just a terrible person to everyone.”