The Scariest Place On Earth
The scariest place on Earth, otherwise known as the skinny dark slit between the elevator and the floor from which you are leaving is a place that many people are curious about. Who knows what’s down there! There could be a whole new world down in that deep darkness. It’s where everything goes to die.
Everyone in their life has once thought about dropping something down there and freaked out at the thought of it. Everyone’s worst nightmare is the scenario where your smartphone falls at just the perfect angle and plummets into that dark abyss. In this story, that nightmare becomes a reality for this woman (we’ll call her Barb). After dropping her phone into the elevator shaft one day, Barb calls the man on the inside. Now the man on the inside is not the police or emergency services, but an elevator service company. This man (we’ll call Jim) takes a range of calls during his day at work, from the company’s clients to the emergency phones inside the elevator used if someone is stuck. Now, 95% of the calls received from inside the elevator are usually prank calls or calls made on accident, 4% of the time people are actually stuck, and the final 1% is saved for people just like Barb.
Barb was a “I need to speak to your manager” type of woman. She’s known for her complaining at just about anything, her annoying tone, and she is usually accompanied by a two-toned blonde hair bob that screams trouble. She has complaints on deck and nothing is known to make her happy.
While at work one day, Jim receives a call from Barb. The single percent of calls he dreads the most. However, after realizing what type of person he is speaking to, Jim decides to play a little game of his own. It is truly entertaining and makes Barb face the humiliation she so deserves.
~
The Stupid Complaints Begin
It was just a normal day at work for Jim. He was busy with his normal day to day work responsibilities. Suddenly, Jim’s phone rings. He glances over to see what type of call it, so he can adjust his voice accordingly. There are many types of voices Jim uses depending on where it’s coming from. If it’s a client, Jim must be respectful but if it’s coming from inside an elevator, chances are he can play around a little more. Jim hopes it’s an elevator prank, so he can mess with some naive children, and when he sees that the call is coming from inside the elevator he gets excited.
He prepares normally and picks up the phone thinking it’s another prank call. “Hello, is anyone there?” he asks jokingly.
While waiting for a response, Jim continues playing Stardew Valley on his phone. In the middle of tending crops on his virtual farm, he is rudely interrupted by the high pitch complaining tone that belonged to Barb. Jim quickly realized it was the dreaded call. He knew his ear would soon be defended by complaints and stupid questions, and was already in fear of what the outcome would be.
Jim quickly changes his tone and standard intro from jokingly to serious in a matter of seconds. He never expected to have someone on the other line let alone someone like Barb.
“Hi. I need to speak to your manager or something?” Barb stated.
Jim is amazed by the amount of stupidity in the first few words out of this woman’s mouth. First off, this woman is using an emergency elevator phone, thus wasting an emergency response line’s time to make a complaint. Although he expects phony calls from children, he is in awe of the amount of carelessness Barb is showing being an adult. Next, her question doesn’t even make sense. When calling an emergency phone line in an elevator did she expect to get customer service? Lady, this isn’t Macy’s customer hot line, it is an elevator. Jim is confused. Does she want his manager? Does she want the account representative of her building? Does she want the supervisor of the technician who handles her building? Does she want the manager of the local branch? Jim’s mind is filled with these questions when Barb interrupted his game playtime. One more stupid point comes to Jim’s mind. He wonders if Barb is aware that he cannot give or share any information with anyone who is not with the building management. Later, Jim finds out that Barb apparently knew the information confidentiality, but she decided to take things into her own hands.
Jim is even more amazed when Barb and her complaints get even more stupid.
~
The Manager Of Elevators
After the sheer surprise of stupidity that Jim is facing during the first 30 seconds of this phone call, he decides to get more information.
“Can I ask what this is regarding?” he questioned Barb.
Barb then again demands a manager. After hearing this response, Jim is still stunned by this woman’s ignorance. I mean seriously, what does she expect to get out of this?
“Well, Barb. The problem is, we have hundreds of managers who manage different things. I need to know what type of thing you’re having trouble with so I know which manager to transfer you too,” Jim stated childishly.
It is Barb’s response that really gets Jim thinking.
“Uhhhhh.. The manager in charge of the elevators?” Karen replied _.
At this point, Jim is trying to hold back his laughter. His senses are tingling, and he can smell the lies and manipulation coming from Barb. Jim is devising a plan in his head. He knows he must make something out of this call. Jim knows exactly how to mess with this type of woman and it is all going to start with leaving her on hold for a while in this elevator.
~
Tempers Are Flying
Jim knew that the simplistic fact of her being on hold for more than 15 minutes would get Barb the perfect amount of angry before he went and got the “manager of the elevators” and made her feel the amount of stupid she so deserved.
During the 15-minute hold time, Jim got a lot done on his farm in Stardew Valley. After he felt enough time was allocated for the rage to build up, Jim popped back on the elevator line.
“Hi Barb, Thank you for holding. Before I put you through to the manager of elevators I just need to confirm, did you call us this morning to request a technician come to retrieve a phone dropped the crack beneath the elevator door on the 9th floor?” Jim questioned.
Barb stutters out the word “No” as if she knows that she’s been busted.
Jim starts interrogating her. He asks, “And at the time were you told to contact building management as we cannot dispatch a technician unless building management requests it, or we have someone trapped in an elevator?”
Once again, Barb struggles to get her one-word answer out. She is beginning to realize that Jim knows that she has already failed with the attempts to fish her phone out of the elevator shaft. Jim continues pestering Barb with questions.
“And after that did you call again pretending to be trapped in the elevator with a baby in an effort to bypass building maintenance and get us to send a technician to the site?” he asked.
Barb is now starting to tear up. With sadness and fear in her voice, she stated, “I was trapped in the elevator, and there was no ventilation and my baby was getting very hot, and I needed to get him to the doctor-”
Jim responds quickly and questions Barb of her next actions in this “stressful” situation. “I understand. Did you try dialing 911 while you were trapped?” he asked.
At this point, Jim knew he had Barb fully dragged along and caught. She begins to answer the question and just as it exited her mouth, she knew she had made a mistake.
“No, because I dropped—-,” Barb started. “I mean it was out of batteries.”
Jim is shocked. He puts Barb on hold again to get her even more riled up, and take a much-needed break from this psychotic woman.
~
Caught In A Sea Of Lies
After going to the bathroom and doing a little more fishing in Stardew Valley, Jim goes back to pick up the elevator line. At this point, Barb had been standing alone in this elevator wasting everyone’s time for almost an hour. Jim knew she would be fired up.
After coming back on the line and making his presence known, Jim waits for a response. He is shocked that it took Barb a whole minute to reply to his oh so sweet “Hi, Barb, thanks for holding.”
Barb’s delayed response causes Jim to “worry”. He questions, “Hi Barb, Thanks for holding. I just need to confirm, when our technician arrived to have you released from the elevator, were you waiting in the lobby and did you demand he retrieve your phone from the elevator shaft?”
Barb is embarrassed. She never would have expected to be called out like this. How could an elevator serviceman know about all her previous complaints? She was shocked. She replied nervously with “Yes”.
Jim decided to take full advantage of this situation. He wanted to see just how out of hand Barb would act if he kept up the interrogation of questions that he already knew the answer to.
“And when he told you to contact building management to get the $900 elevator pit retrieval fee approved, did you begin screaming at him to retrieve your phone immediately or you would get him fired?” he questioned sarcastically.
“Well, I wasn’t screaming…” Barb insisted angrily.
Jim continues his interrogation, “And when this happened, who was watching the baby?” Jim asked. He knew that bringing her child into the mix would further her anger. Nothing can make a person like Barb more mad than talking about how she is raising her child wrong.
“What baby?” Barb asked idiotically. She had really stuck her foot in her mouth with that one.
“The one you were stuck in the elevator with that had a fever?” Jim questioned curiously. Suddenly, Barb’s story seemed to change.
“Oh, she was upstairs. I put her down,” Barb said in attempts to recover from her mistake she made about forgetting her original story.
Jim now sees a perfect opportunity. This crazy idiotic woman left her child unattended, so she could voice her ridiculous complaints. What type of mother would do that, Jim thought. He knew he must call her out for this weak motherly moment.
~
Prank Complete
“So you left an infant alone so you could yell at the technician?” Jim questioned. He was questioning this woman’s motherly morals, and he knew he would be getting just the response he wanted. Barb was playing into his prank perfectly.
“Are you telling me how to parent my-” Barb started.
It was here where Jim made one of his best moves. “Please hold,” Jim states while tending to his blueberry farm on his phone. Jim could not have cared less about Barb and her trivial complaints. He was going to take his sweet time getting back to her.
“Okay, Barb, What I am doing right now I am putting a note in the system to have your phone retrieved free of charge from the elevator shaft…” Jim stated after getting back on the line.
Barb could not be happy at this point. She thinks she is getting exactly what she wants, but she couldn’t be more wrong. She is too naive and irrational to see that Jim has been playing mind games with her for the last hour. She repeatedly thanks, Jim.
“You’re very welcome. We will be retrieving it for you on the next scheduled maintenance day which will be within the next 3-6 weeks,” Jim stated happily. He knew exactly how this ending would pan out. Little did Barb know, she would soon be getting even more angry.
“3-6 weeks?!?!? You can’t send someone today?” Barb screams through the elevator phone line.
“Sure, but first, you need to contact building management to call us and approve the $900 elevator shaft retrieval fee, in addition to the $500 fine for faking an emergency that you’ll be receiving from your landlord,” Jim stated proudly. It was finally complete, his plan to annoy Barb to her breaking point was successful.
Barb hung up the elevator call so quickly, Jim didn’t even have the time to transfer her to the “Manager of Elevators”. In the end, Barb never got the chance to face the imaginary manger of all elevators and was humiliated via an elevator. Hopefully, she enjoys the shattered pieces of glass that used to be known as her beloved iPhone and learns her lesson that not everything you want can be received by throwing a fit.
Jim continues to live happily and his Stardew Valley farm is now thriving thanks to Barb.
~