I shouldn’t have to be terrified every time I drive through a McDonald’s, but here we are. These companies somehow thought that the best way to promote their food was with demonic creatures that only get more disturbing the moment you stop and think about them. I won’t rank these mascots because they all feature their own distinct brand of terror, so instead I’ll showcase them in all their demented glory! Maybe next time, just stay at home and cook.
1. The original Ronald McDonald definitely just broke out of prison and is trying to hold an entire restaurant hostage. Is this not just a man who lost his mind in a McDonald’s and rummaged through the supply room? This might actually be the Joker’s origin story:
2. The Spongmonkeys were an early 2000’s attempt by Quiznos at internet humor. Instead of holding pitch meetings, the Quiznos executive team traveled down to the depths of hell and pulled out these vicious creatures who definitely make small children cry. These creatures look like they were the result of a guy trying to subject himself to radiation in order to get super powers. They definitely have rabies. Do not get within ten feet of them:
3. The Jack In The Box man holds too many dark secrets behind those blank blue eyes. Why is his nose so pointy? Has he ever tried to impale someone on it? The fact that this appears to be a human man with this abstract face makes him look like a third-rate Spider-man villain who is trying to rob a bank:
4. Arby’s tried out this oven mitt in the early 2000’s, but I have a problem with sentient gloves. Can you still put your hand through them? What happens if you do? Why is this glove so massive? If it has eyes and a mouth, wouldn’t that imply the existence of internal anatomy? If the glove eats an Arby’s product, where does that food go?? Nope, this mascot raises too many questions and answers none of them:
5. WHAT THE HECK IS A GRIMACE?! Is this a mythical beast? A legitimate demon? How does a sentient purple blob make me want to buy fast food? This creature looks like it eats children. Pennywise has nothing on this one:
6. The Noid was an angry man waiting for his Domino’s pizza to be delivered. Why was he dressed up in a rabbit costume? Why must us customers be reminded of the constant agony and torment that is waiting around forty-five minutes for a pizza? I don’t feel comfortable with this cartoon man yelling at me:
7. The Chuck E. Cheese animatronic traumatized generations of children. This creature does not understand the concept of mercy. Those eyes look like they want murder and carnage. THere is nothing happy behind those eyes. I think Chuck E. Cheese should hire priests to conduct exorcisms in every restaurant location:
8. This Krispy Kreme mascot definitely does a lot of kickboxing in his free time, and I do not wan to be trapped with int in a dark alleyway. This character would try to beat people up for their lunch money:
9. Did the fine workers of Panda Express go to Party City and find the first Panda costume they could fine? I’m not comfortable with this panda having opposable thumbs, that means he is able to properly use too many weapons. No thank you:
10. McDonald’s debuted this sentient cardboard in 2014, because apparently people enjoyed their restaurants too much and weren’t scared enough. It looks like scientists genetically engineered cardboard to come to life, but then that cardboard ate all of the scientists and will stop at nothing to satisfy his bloodlust:
11. This old timey mascot for Sugar Krinkle’s cereal is legitimately Pennywise reincarnated. He didn’t die at the end fo It, and instead he transformed into this cereal mascot, waiting to lure unsuspecting children in a creepy grocery store. Whoever drew this creature should be imprisoned:
12. The Hamburglar should have stayed in the maximum security prison he broke out of! Why did McDonald’s think that burglary was a valid selling point for their food? And we all know the Hamburglar is known for stealing food, but what else has he gotten away with? Murder? Tax fraud? Nope, this guy is way too suspicious to be anywhere near the food I am eating:
13. And finally, this plastic monstrosity needs to be addressed. If you saw this face staring out of your window in the middle of the night, would you want some burgers? No, you would be rightfully terrified! Sure, this guy keeps Burger King in our minds, but only as a newfound enemy that we have to protect ourselves from. This is the sort of king that would stage a “Game of Thrones” style execution on his staff:
