Most people that rush into the ER are dealing with a serious medical condition. Others... not so much.
Allergic To Oxygen
“Had a lady come in for shortness of breath. Began to place an oxygen mask on her. She yells ‘I’m allergic to oxygen!’ and pulls the mask off. I heard the doctor laugh behind the curtain.”
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The Love Board
“My friend worked in ER. She had an obese man come in complaining of a rash under his gut. Upon close examination they found several splinters. When asked, the man casually replied ‘Oh, that must be from the love board.’ So the crew had to ask for details. Apparently, the couple had to use a board to pry the man’s gut up for love making activities.”
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Starved
“20 year old man came in for stomach pains. Said he was hungry. Hadn’t eaten in two days.”
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The Tale of Zippy
“I have a male cousin who landed himself in the ER because he thought that instead of a condom, he could put something tightly around his male appendage, and it would force the sperm to stay inside. Unfortunately, getting it off posed a problem and he ultimately wound up in the ER with a zip tie around his male appendage. His nickname has been ‘Zippy’ for 5 years now.”
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Question Mark
“Chick came in because she was miscarrying. Claims 27 pregnancies, but 0 live births. Says that in the last two years since she got on birth control to help regulate her periods, she’s had a miscarriage every month. We had to explain to her that she was experiencing regular periods.”
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Eyes Glued
“My aunt is a nurse this is her story. Two extremely drunk men came in, one of them had fallen down the stairs and somehow he got glass in his eye. They pulled out the glass and sealed the gash in his eye … with superglue! They had to soak his eye in acetone to get it open.”
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Lost Wallet
“Morbidly obese guy came in for right lower quadrant pain. I lifted up his gut and found his lost wallet. Solved two problems.”
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Not That Kind Of Stripper
“My mom used to be a registrar in an ER. When patients came in she was the one who took their insurance, asked about their symptoms, took their vitals, etc. One day she’s entering paperwork for a woman whom I think came in for injuries to her hands but I don’t quite remember. Mom’s taking her information, and one of the questions is about the patient’s occupation. The woman says, ‘Oh, I’m a stripper! I work for Dinty Moore!’ Mom responded that she had no idea Dinty Moore hired strippers. The woman says, ‘No, I’m a stripper,’ and gestures emphatically in the air with her bleeding hands. Turns out, she strips the meat off of cow tails. That’s apparently what the meat is in Dinty Moore beef stew, cow tail.”
Piercing Pain
“My sister had a patient who was interested in having her clitoris pierced, but was afraid of the pain. Curious, she affixed a super strong magnet on top of and below the clitoris, but couldn’t remove them. By the time she got to the hospital, her tissue was essentially dead. The doctor had to SCRAPE the magnets off of her, as there was no other way to remove them.”
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Taste Test
“I’m an ER charge nurse here. One 35 year old man came in, and his chief complaint was ‘Boogers have started to taste bad for one week.'”
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Faster Than Uber
“Guy who came on the ambulance for chest pain and after parking refused treatment outside and walked across the street for a Big Mac. Guess he was just hungry and didn’t have the money for a cab.”
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Mirror Mirror, On The Ceiling
“My wife is an ER nurse. Valentine’s Day tends to bring in the best stories. A few years ago a couple came in with lacerations all over their bodies. Apparently, the guy had duct taped a large mirror to the ceiling above their bed and it fell and broke all over them. My wife got to pull little pieces of glass out of the lady’s scull and back for a few hours.”
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What A Pickle
“I have two friends who are nurses in ER. Friend A said that there was a guy who went in because he had a pickle stuck in his anus. Friend B said that there was a guy who went in because had a pickle jar up his anus. I think the guy with the jar up his anus died during surgery.”
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