Sometimes, it's best to just be quiet and let the pros do their jobs. And by sometimes, we mean almost all the time.
Oh… So That’s Why
“I used to work in Auto Detailing. The one thing we NEVER did was power wash the motor of a 90’s model Jaguar. The electronics were sensitive and the slightest amount of pressure would make the instrument panel light up like a Christmas tree.
A dealer wanted us to clean this fleet of Jaguars, so we did. All 9 of them. He checked the motors and one of them still had a little dirt on it and he got pissed. He starts yelling at me so I explain, “Jere, the electronics are super sensitive, the slightest amount of high pressure could cause the instrument panel to light up. We have to hand wipe the motor with wet rags and cleaner, sometimes we miss a spot.”
He calls his porter over and tells him to bring that car around to the repair side and he’ll clean it himself. He opens the hood, grabs a garden hose, and starts blasting the engine bay. “See! Clean.” I say to him, “Absolutely.” He goes and starts the car, looks down, shuts the car off, gets out, and apologizes.”
*I* Would Know
“After leaving a ring with our jewelry for over three months and, after countless calls from us asking her to kindly come and collect her jewelry, finally turning up and telling us,
‘This isn’t my diamond. You swapped my diamond. My diamond was completely different from this.’
She then proceeded to throw the biggest tantrum I’ve ever seen, refusing to listen to reason, disregarding our store’s 75 year reputation. Thankfully, we keep meticulous records, including the weight of the ring, any flaws in the customer’s diamond, and diamond measurements.
Eventually, she realized that it actually was her diamond. We got a sincere and heartfelt apology for all the hassle she put us and our other customers through…
Just kidding. She left in a huff.”
All This Over Trees
“Years ago I worked for a tree care company.
Lady calls and says we cut down her tree and we weren’t supposed to. I start to freak out. This is the most stressful call you will ever get working for a tree care company. I search our records and don’t have anything showing work was done in the last few years. Still, I think maybe something slipped through the cracks so I send someone to go look. Get a call telling me there’s no sign of a tree missing (left over stump) and nobody recalled doing work there. I assume the wrong address or maybe the tree wasn’t located exactly where she said it was. No in both cases.
She changes her story and says that we removed the wrong tree branch and all the added sunlight was killing the grass. Well, first off sunlight doesn’t kill grass. Secondly, the tree branch she’s talking about was removed by us, because she asked us to and it was done 3 years prior.
I forget what happened after that. I may have ignored her by then or explained to her the timeframe and the records we had on file. Anyway, she went away.
Get a call 6 months later and she hires us to do some other tree work. Doesn’t even mention the other tree.”
But She’s An Expert!
“My favorite veterinary saying is: Getting veterinary advice from a breeder is like getting gynecological advice from a pimp.
The amount of bullsh*t that I hear from breeders is amazing. Their particular dog variant is horribly allergic to vaccines, dewormers, anesthetics etc. No science. Often a link to some layman’s website that contains a interview by some homeopathic quack.
The pet owner then wonders why their non vaccinated dog who has been treated with a spray consisting of lemon water, rosemary, and tea tree oil mixture came in not able to walk with a 104 fever. When I explain that they have lyme disease and will need treatment and that there is an effective vaccine and preventatives exist (both oral and topical) that could have prevented this suffering, they sometimes still call the breeder for advice. No, a watered down mixture of eye of newt and arsenic will not fix him.”
Please, Listen To Doctors
“I am a microbiologist and mammalian biologist who studies the microbiome (gut bacteria).
I have a hippie friend who claims she is allergic to gluten and a bunch of other things. She used to periodically post things on FaceBook about food additives that she claims are “unhealthy.”
The two things that really got me, though, was one article about probiotics and “good bacteria” that was completely and utterly wrong, and another about some additive that “scientists who study the gastrointestinal tract use to create gut irritation.” Both times, I said to her, as a scientist who literally studies gut irritation and good bacteria, her articles were full of sh*t and had no scientific basis; that the bacteria the study claimed was so great was one that could not colonize a healthy human due to competitive inhibition and that the additive supposed used by scientists was actually just an emulsifier and not one anyone in my field has ever used for that purpose (as it doesn’t cause gut irritation).
She said it was “just her opinion” and I was like, no, these are factually incorrect. Opinions are subjective. This is just straight-up misinformation.
Long story short, she still refuses to eat gluten or anything not “natural” but she stopped posting stuff from Food Babe and Avocado Wolfe and Eat Local Grown. I hate those sites/pages…”
Don’t Make It A Contest
“I’ll share with you something a nurse said. “Well you don’t know what you’re doing, let me speak to your supervisor.” I handed the phone to the pathologist and she ripped her a new one.
So I’m a blood banker. Patient’s blood type is A+ and the baby’s type is O+. Nurse was insisting I made a mistake because there is no way A+ mom could have O+ baby. I explained to her that mom’s genotype could be AO, and the dad could be another AO, BO or O. Nope, I had to be wrong because there is no way. Final straw was “Well I had four years of college and I think I know more than you.” To which I reply “So did I, but I got a masters and a graduate training program, so how about I let you talk to my boss?”
I know many great nurses, but once in a while, somebody goes on a powertrip and it makes me boil.”
“Grass Fed Pork”
“Got in an argument with a woman at Whole Foods, she wanted to buy grass fed pork. There is no such thing, grass cannot support a pig they have to eat a heavy grain filled diet. Woman did not believe me or my 10 years of farm and meat selling experience. Got to the point I told the woman I would ship her a piglet so she could raise it completely on grass and watch it die from starvation. I don’t do demos at Whole Foods anymore.”
The Engineer Is Your Friend
“Them: We determined that the wall is not load bearing.
Me: How did you come to that conclusion?
Them: Because of the way it is.
Me: It’s definitely load bearing, allow me to show-
Them: We already decided it’s not load bearing, weren’t you listening?
Me: Sign here, here, and here; I’ve advised you against altering that wall, you understand my advice, you have decided to disregard my advice, and any choice you make concerning that wall is strictly of your own volition. Good luck and goodbye!”
Sure, Your Eyes Are The Same
“Optician here. Woman brings her sons in for exam. Both have EXTREMELY high minus prescriptions. Mom is okay with with older son’s prescription and glasses order, but is mad about younger son’s prescription.
She wants to order his glasses, but wants his prescription changed to be less than the doctor’s prescription. I told her I can’t do that, because I can’t change the doctor’s work.
She’s mad because she thinks the prescription is too high for him because… ‘His eyes are like my eyes and my prescription didn’t change this much from my exam last year. So, I don’t want his that high.'”
“Being any medical professional and with literally anything. I had a patient once tell me she wouldn’t do birth control because it caused AIDS. She was very polite about it and said she understood that us doctors weren’t “allowed” to tell patients the “truth”. Okay lady, enjoy your 5th baby. Another lady did not believe me at all when I told her SEVEN c sections was a dangerous amount and the 8th section could cause many complications to her and the baby. “Well they got 7 out easily so what’s one more?” Well, it takes them a lot longer and longer with each section so it probably got harder with each one. “Well I was there, so I would know”. Oooooookay.”
“I used to work as an anthropologist for a tribe-run museum on protected Native American land. They had built a museum to display finds from excavations, spread knowledge about the history of their people, and also create a little revenue for their community center.
Well, a local town, mostly white, upper class families, took offense to our work. They claimed we were destroying the tribe’s culture without any right by excavating. It culminated in a group sending the museum a letter where they basically said the tribe members were not educated enough to understand how their culture was being destroyed and were simply not intelligent enough to make decisions in regards to activity on their land.
That went over real well.”
Well, Actually, In MY Opinion
As a nurse, bringing medication to a patient and the family member who is obviously a graduate of WebMD university asks, “Did the doctor order that? Because I’ve read that an overdose of that medication might cause mild itching.” Of course the correct answer is, “Yes ma’am/sir, this was ordered by the doctor after he/she carefully considered all the options.” The answer I want to give is, “Nope, the janitor ordered this but he seemed pretty sure of himself when he did it, so we’ll probably be okay.”
Please Let Me Do My Job
“A lady brought her husband in for elective surgery and he required general anesthesia. She comes in with an old dog eared book and asks to have a meeting with the surgery team. We humor her, and apparently she wanted specific anesthetic agents for her husband, since she did research on all of them. All the agents she wanted were essentially removed years ago due to harsh side effects or there were better medications. When I looked at her book it was published in 1965.”
Are You Comparing Yourself To Our President?
“‘I’d like a hotel room.’
‘I’m sorry, we’re sold out.’
‘Yes, but you always keep one of your best suites in case someone important comes in.’
‘No… I don’t.’
‘So what would you say if president Obama came in right now.’
‘I would suggest he go back to his home… Which is less than a mile away.’
No people, I don’t keep my best suite set aside for VIPs. If someone wants to pay me money, I sell it to them. That’s how a business works. You don’t find grocery stores hiding produce “just in case” hotels don’t either.”
Isn’t Every Case The Same?
Am a family lawyer. Can’t even tell you how many times I’ve had a client argue with me about child support. Client gets mad because their brother/friend/coworker/whoever had a much lower child support payment so it isn’t fair and obviously I messed up the calculation. No, jackass. Yours is higher because you make more than your friend and your kids are in daycare. I’ve been doing this for many years and the calculation is done by a computer. I’m not using tea leaves and an abacus to calculate your support payments.