16 Office Relationships To Avoid If You Value Your Mental Stability

It's an inevitable consequence of the current structure of the American work week; we all eventually develop unhealthy relationships at the office. Whether its our futile struggle with office equipment or never being able to say no to the free cake in the break room, the office can create some unsavory habits we just can't break.

The Coffee Machine

If you normally only drink a few cups of coffee on the weekend, you will definitely drink about three pots a day during the work week. Your caffeinated habit will take on a life of its own, and before you know it, you will never be able to function without a cup of joe in your hand.

Surprise Doughnuts

You vowed that you were going to stick to heathy eating no matter what this week, then some jerk has to bring in a huge box of doughnuts for everyone. Well, there goes your entire diet! Hope you’re happy Jim.

The Copy Machine

There must be a secret meeting of the world’s copier manufacturers where they all gather and laugh at the thousands of wasted, frustrated hours people sped wrestling with their faulty machines. Because in the war with the copier, you will never, ever win.

The Thermostat

Matt is always complaining about how he sweats all day while Tina has three space heaters and her winter coat on. Indeed, the battle for control of the thermostat is never-ending. You will either be too hot or too cold, it’s like an unwritten rule that you absolutely can not be comfortable at work ever.

Your Computer

You love your computer, but you hate your computer. It’s much nicer than the piece of junk you keep at home, but as soon as you encounter a slow connection it’s the end of the world. It helps you more easily do your job, but it’s also much better at distracting you from it.

Your Competitive Coworkers

Just as there are a plethora of idiots that make you wonder how they ever got hired, (or why they are still employed), there are an equal amount of butt-kissing jerks doing their best to make you appear lazy and incompetent at every step. How do these people manage to put together a presentation in thirty minutes while bringing in homemade muffins AND offering to restructure the filing system? Do they understand how little we’re all getting paid?

Tonya’s Lunch

Tonya has been packing the same salad every day for lunch for the past three years. She passes up on pizza Tuesday, she never eats any leftover cake from those birthday lunches like everyone else. Why do you care that Tonya eats so healthy while you heat up old Chinese takeout again? It shouldn’t matter but somehow, it is literally the most annoying thing ever. YOU’RE NOT A RABBIT TONYA!

Your Own Lunch

You have about 100 recipes pinned for “easy,” “healthy,” and “quick” weekday lunches, and yet you’ve only ATTEMPTED to make one recipe, once. You always mean well but the stress of the week leaves you with the same old frozen dinner again and again. By the time noon rolls around and Jerry asks if anyone wants to go to lunch, you know you’re doomed.

Your Pen

Even if you work on a computer all day, you will still have a collection of pens that somehow receives more admiration than a collection of pens ever should. You have your favorites, and if anyone uses your pen, or (even worse) STEALS your pen, war will be officially waged.

Your Chair

You have multiple body parts fall asleep everyday (sometimes simultaneously). Your legs hurt from the walk to the break room. You curse your chair for making you lazy and fat, and for giving you terrible lower back pain, yet you passed on that fancy new standing desk. How dare they think you would ever give up your chair?

Cathy’s Candy Bowl

She places it in plain sight. She keeps it constantly stocked with the BEST candy. She tells everyone to help themselves whenever they like. Cathy why can’t you hide your sugary sins in your desk drawer liker everyone else?!

Your Gallon Thermos Cup

Perhaps it’s your goal to drink water all day, or maybe you have a serious Diet Coke addiction, but we all have our massive containers of liquid we chug all day. Perhaps we just want an excuse to leave our desk every two hours besides sneaking more candy out of Cathy’s bowl.

The Office Bathroom

If you work in small quarters, you will soon learn EVERYONE’S bathroom schedule, whether you want to or not. That means everyone will know YOUR bathroom schedule. All of this means that answering mother nature’s call will be an anxious experience instead of one of relief.

Your Email

You get 300 emails a day and half of them are marked high priority. Who are these people? Why are they sending so many emails? How is it possible that so many people don’t know what high priority means?

Your Crush

There is always that one person at the office that you can’t help but blush when they smile at you in the break room. This is the same person that you hope to impress at the next company happy hour but end up accidentally vomiting on when you nervously drink too much. You love them, then hate them for making you act like such a fool all the time, then love them again because it’s not their fault they’re perfect.

The Elevator

Why is it that everyone becomes mute as soon as they enter the elevator? Why must we all awkwardly stare into space as if making eye contact with another human being would be the literal end of the world? Perhaps we all just want to listen to that thrilling elevator music. Yes, that must be it.