Ever had an embarrassing doctor's visit? You can take solace in the fact that it most likely wasn't embarrassing as these awkward encounters!
A Wild Hog
When I was in nursing school we had these questionnaire things we had to ask our patients for homework. Most of the questions were pretty simple and basic like family medical history or what current medication they were taking etc etc etc and it was designed to get us used to asking questions and to begin to develop rapport with the patient. Well since this was my first year of nursing school I was still felt little awkward asking the ‘sex questions’ and was nervous when I came around to these questions when interviewing an 85 year old man whose wife was sitting right next to him. The conversation went a little like this: Me: So..umm sir some of these next questions may be a bit personal and if you are too uncomfortable answering them you can just tell me and we can move on.
Internal me: (please be uncomfortable oh please oh please oh please) Him: Sure! Go ahead. You need to know all this stuff for your career! Ask away! Internal me: (Damn…) Usually there were 5 or 6 questions that i would ask but today I could only get past this one question. Me: OK sir. Are you and your wife still sexually active? Him: (Looks up at me, then the ceiling, then to his wife and says) ‘sweetie? How would you describe our sex life? Wife (without missing a beat): Oh probably that you jumped on a wild hog at the ripe age of 19 and are still hanging on for dear life. (then she leans closer to me and whispers) I try to buck him off every night but he keeps hanging on. (then she winks) I almost died of laughter. Best response ever (Source)
Selina
Navy Hospital Corpsman here. After my ship pulled into Cyprus for a 3 day liberty port, I had a line about 10 people deep of sailors and marines in medical looking to see the doc. The first two presented with the same discharge and swelling and stuff (turned out to be a rather nasty clap/chlamydia combo) and when I dove deeper I found out they went to the same brothel. A little deeper and found they even saw the same girl. So 4 people in, same deal. When the next one walked in all I asked, with raised eyebrows “Selina?” (supposed lady’s name) And with a subtle and ashamed confirmatory nod they sat on the table ready for the dreaded bore punch. 5/9 people I treated that day went to the same lady. (Source)
On The Wall Forever
Doctor here, but the funniest was being ripped into by my attending back in medschool for asking a sexual history on an elderly woman (husband and wife in the room) he had known for the past 15 years and who had been married for like 50. After he stopped mocking me for “all that new crazy stuff, I’ve known Mr. and Mrs. X for years!” she proceeded to tell me her and her husband were swingers and she had multiple male and female partners into her 70s. I wish I could have taken a picture of his face at that moment and hung it on my wall forever. (Source)
Multiple?!
Work at a children’s hospital so usually not that important since most of my patients are in diapers. We had a 14 year old with multiple std’s, thankfully all could be treated with some antibiotics. When asking her sexual history she couldn’t remember all of them but there were at least 9 partners. The weird part was her mom wanted us to talk about medical information outside the room so her precious angel wouldn’t be corrupted with all the sex talk, we informed her that we already crossed that bridge. (Source)
Only The Day Before
Not as funny as the rest, but I got a laugh out of hearing a young girl tell me she’s not currently sexually active, because the last time she had sex was the day before (Source)
“Bro”
Not a nurse but the best response I’ve heard to this question was from a quiet guy in my freshman college English class. Somehow our discussion on vaccines led to this topic and he told a story about his doctor asking if he was sexually active. His perfect response was “Bro I’m not even socially active” (Source)
Yes, Yes They Do
A woman came in with inflammation of the vulva and when I asked about her sexual history, she said “do dildos count?” (Source)
Granny With A Sense Of Humor
Not a nurse but a former phlebotomist/health historian for the largest blood collection organization. One of donors was an older lady. Maybe early 70’s. There were 5-10 sexual history questions in a row. In the middle of them she blurts out, “honey, I’ve been dried up for years. Nobody has been diggin in this for a long time.” (Source)
Umm…
Paramedic here. I once asked a 20 year old female with abdominal pain: ME:”Are you sexually active?” HER: “Yes” ME: “Any chance you’re pregnant?” HER: “Absolutely not, I could never be pregnant” ME: “Not all birth control is 100% effective.” HER: Mine is. ME: “What kind of birth control is it?” HER: “um…lesbianism.” (Source)
“Don’t Tell The Spouse
I worked in a medical call center and had to survey patients taking certain drugs. We asked if they were sexually active (company was worried about libido-inhibiting side effects). Best answer I heard was “Yes, but don’t tell my spouse.” (Source)
Convervative Christian And The Dom
My coworker is a very conservative christian (only wears scrub skirts, doesn’t cut her hair, etc…). She at one point was taking care of a sixty something year old man who was in for an amputation or something. She was doing an assessment, and asked about the significance of a certain tattoo. “Are you sure you want to know?” “Sure.” Turns out the dude was a trained and certified dominatrix (or whatever the male version is… sorry a little naive myself). He went on to explain the details and requirements of this training to my coworker for a good 4-5 minutes, stating finally that the tattoo was a “trademark” of some kind. My poor coworker walked out of the room with the most disturbed look on her face… wouldn’t give us any details but it takes a fair amount to rattle a nurse, ha. (Source)
Kid Must Be Doing Something Wrong
I told my doctor back in high school that I wasn’t sexually active and she said “and you go to __ High School? I should play the lottery!” (Source)
Whatever Pays The Bills, Right?
Similar. One of my classmates was asking a 75 year old woman with dementia about her occupation for a PT exam. Her response:
“I give blowjobs in my garage to afford my sweet ride.” (Source)
In A Loud Whisper…
When I was in year seven, probably 11 or 12 years old, I had broken my foot in a way that needed a minor surgery, so my cute twenty-something nurse was asking me the pre questions with my dad. When she got to the personal part, she asked if I wanted my dad to leave the room, I said no because whatever. When she asked if I was sexually active, I turned to my dad and said in a loud whisper “I want her to think I’m cool.” (Source)
The Same Dirty Woman
I was a medical assistant working for a dermatology office. A 65 year old man came in with an abundance of genital warts and said “I kept sleeping with that same dirty woman. That’s why I got these things” (Source)
Obviously She’s The Virgin Mary
I was in active labor, pushing a tiny human being from my body, when a well-meaning medical student asked me if I had any history of sexual activity. (Source)
You’e Not Alone, Buddy
When I was thirteen I responded “yes” when the nurse asked me if I was sexually active. She then asked when was the last time I had sex to which I uncomfortably answered that I have never had sex. I thought masturbation counted. (Source)