Camping
I’ll give the reverse of the question, I was the kid. For my 8th or 9th birthday my Dad gave me a hunting knife. We were always camping or in the woods, and I just had a thing for knives. This knife was the real deal, not a cheapo knock off. American crafted, limited edition Kershaw hunting knife. It had weight to it, it was the perfect size for my hand, balanced and sharp. He gave it to me on the condition that I would be responsible with it, and take care of it. It was my first grown up gift and I adored it. One day, Dad comes home, takes the trash out and something near the garbage catches his eye. He rustled through the grass, and there in the dirt was my hunting knife. Handle coming apart, covered in dirt and misshapen. He comes to me, and I could tell something was wrong. Then he starts, the way any good Dad would start when teaching your child a lesson, with a trap. Dad – “Hey son, whaddya say we go camping this weekend?” Me, a little worried because I can tell something is up – “Ok I always love to go camping” Dad – “You like to go camping eh? Well you know camping requires taking care of your camping gear, right?” Me – “Um, yes” Dad – “So you know that? What about that knife I bought you? Did you take care of it like I asked you?” Me – “Yes” Dad – “Are you sure? I have a feeling that you didn’t take care of it at all, I have a feeling you probably just left it out in the rain to rust and rot. Son, I thought I could trust you, I thought you would take care of the things I asked you to take care of. You say you take care of this knife? Ok, show me how well you take care of it. Where is it?” I’m on the verge of tears at this point, and I walk back to my room and he follows me. I open up my keepsake chest, shift a few things around, find a small cloth neatly wrapped up, pull it out and unsheathed my pristine Kershaw knife that I so adored and give it to my Dad. He looks at me for what felt like for ever, and eventually says “Ok then, let’s go camping!” Years later after I was an adult he was telling this story and told me he found out later it was the neighbor’s knife that just happened to look very similar to mine. We had a good laugh but I can tell you I almost sh*t my pants that day! Source
The Confession
When my oldest son was in 8th grade, he decided to make money by doing his classmates homework. I knew something was up because he spent an extraordinary time doing homework, while his twin sister who shared some classes with him, didn’t. He would be up until nearly midnight doing homework. It seemed weird and when I would question him about it, he would just make up odd excuses. I found money in his pockets while doing laundry and since he didn’t have a job, that didn’t sit right. I asked my younger son if he knew why his brother had money in his pocket and he told me what was up. He was apparently paying his brother and sister as well to keep quiet. After I found out, I told my son that I was going to call his teachers and see why he was being given so much homework. My son immediately told me not to do that, so I told him that I wouldn’t call. Instead, the following day when I drove the kids to school, I got out of the car with my son and told him that I wanted to talk to the principal in person. I told my son that his teachers were being absolutely ridiculous and I had to go above them if I wanted anything to be done. My son confessed before we got to the school. *Before anyone says it, I am not the type of parent to go to the principal or teachers over homework. I wasn’t actually going to it. Just wanted to frighten my son. Source
The Nurse’s Office
When my daughter was in first grade I got a call to come pick her up from the nurses station. It was odd because it was 10 minutes till school got out, so what couldn’t wait? When I walked into the nurses office, the nurse asked my daughter if she knows who I am. She looks at me as if she isn’t quite sure and says “Daddy?” Apparently, 30 minutes before school let out my kid was suddenly struck blind. The nurse and I discussed the issue, with it being obvious to both of us that she was lying, but she stuck to her guns. On the way to the car I intentionally led her into door frames and parked cars and she miraculously avoided these obstacles despite not being able to see them. When we got home I told her we were going to have to go to the hospital if she didn’t get better, and suddenly it was fuzzy but she could see. We made her lay in her room with the lights out until she felt better. She was back there an hour when she came out claiming to be healed! She didn’t admit until years later that it was all BS and we still laugh about it in our family. Remember the time Abby was suddenly struck blind? Source
Privacy
Well, I’ve got four kids of my own, but none of their lies compare yet to my big one when I was their age. Was at least 8-9 and was the only person in the household to have a room downstairs. There was a bathroom literally five steps away from my bedroom door. For reasons that are entirely unclear to me still, I decided to pee in the corner between my bedroom and the bathroom. Multiple times. Like it became my new place to go when I went pee when no one was around to catch me. Thing was, everyone needed to pass this corner to go to the carport. So it didn’t take that long for my parents to notice the wet carpet. They put newspapers down to test for a leak, they pulled up the carpet to check the concrete below. They of course suspected someone had peed in the corner and I was the prime suspect, but I adamantly denied it was me and since I was usually a very truthful kid, they (well my mom at least) refused to believe I would lie about something like that. Long story short, they called a handyman, who tried to reason with them before he went ahead and ended up jackhammering up a huge hole in the concrete floor. There was no denying it after that. Source
Sneaky
We purchased a used Nintendo DS from eBay and it had a bunch of games with it, a number of them were duplicates. A friend of the family has two children and we promised to bring the game’s for them next time we came over if they behaved well enough by then and their mother approved. A few weeks had passed and we hadn’t managed to head over to their house yet. Right after we finally set up a playdate, my wife received a text message from the mothers phone, asking us to bring the DS games with us. There were some spelling mistakes and inconsistencies with the text and my wife asked who is this. The response back? Mom. Their eight year old had snuck his moms phone to get us to bring the games and didn’t think to respond with his mothers name. Source
Missing Bangs
Did you cut your hair? “No.” Ok then… (missing a triangle in her bangs). Source
Messy Room
Me: your room is a mess! You are gonna have to clean it tomorrow. 4yrold: yeah, I don’t know what happened. Me: I know what happened, you didn’t put your toys back and messed up your room. 4yrold (completely deadpan): there was a stranger in our house. Source
I Didn’t Even Ask
I don’t have any great stories about this since my oldest is only 3 but last week I walk into the room she was playing in and as soon as she sees me she looks up and says, “I don’t have poop!!” She then continued walking around the room like she was riding a really small horse. Source
What’s A Potato
Not my child, but my daughter’s boyfriend. She had been seeing him for a bit when her mother and I told her we’d love to meet him. My wife is a hell of a good cook and so she fixed up a nice dinner. Our daughter seemed to really like him and we wanted to like him too. The kid comes over, he sits down, and the dipshit decides to pretend he’s never heard of a potato!I Called him out on it and my wife even gave him an opportunity to end the ridiculous facade. He became belligerent. Finally after a little silence he starts again and I tell him to get the f_out of my house. I don’t know where my daughter found that little sh_thead. Source
Santa
I just told my husband the thread I was reading and his story is when he was a young kid on Christmas night he would take all the presents “Santa” brought him and put them in bed with him. When his parents got up and asked him about it he would reply “Santa put them there”. They couldn’t fess up without admitting Santa wasn’t real to him and his two sisters. Source
Not Fooling Anyone
It wasn’t my child but, when my brother was about 6 he answered the home phone (Back when there were still cords and before cell phones). My aunt was calling and asked him, “Can I speak to your dad?” He smirked and deepened his voice to say, “This is my dad.” He thought he was being so sly. It’s still a family joke today, and he’s 30 now.Source
Eggs First
My 3 year old was informed he needed to eat his eggs before getting crackers. He waited until he thought I was out of sight then yelled for the dog and fed them to her. “Did you feed the eggs to Maggie?” “No I eat eggs.” “Are you sure?” “Yes I eat eggs cracker now.” “No crackers, you didn’t eat your eggs.” Cue 20 minute meltdown. Source
Don’t Play With Hot Wax
One time when I was a kid I distinctly recall my mother accusing me of blowing out a candle and playing in the wax with my fingers (which I totally f_*_ing did + still do). So I say “It was my big brother.” Mom: Big brother is at grandma’s house. Me: He did it yesterday. Mom: The candle wouldn’t be melty. It just happened. Me: It was the doggy. Mom: The doggy cant go whoooooosh (blow out a candle) and she doesn’t have any fingers. Me: Shhhhh! Don’t say that! You’ll hurt her feelings! Source
Only Child
My daughter tried to convince people that she had older brothers named Leo and Mikey when she was 5. This also included my mother who lives a few miles away and we see weekly. When my mom asked why she had never met them my daughter told her they were in college. When my mom asked why they didn’t come over for Thanksgiving my daughter said they would be there for Christmas and my mom should buy toys for them. TMNT toys, the ones she liked. Source
Bilingual
My six year old insists she can speak cat and the cat asked her to dress it up and carry it around like a baby. Apparently she can speak dog too and the dog asks for broccoli cause it’s his favourite food. I speak neither cat nor dog but am pretty sure she’s lying about them telling her these things. Source
Sister von Manfred
Not my kid, but my little sister. When she was in maybe first grade our mom got a call from the school requesting a meeting. She shows up and the teacher says “I just wanted you to see this in person”. And with a look of disgust slaps down a piece of paper in front of her. In my sister’s first grade hand writing was a note that read: please excuse sister von Manfred from doing her homework. I was too stupid to help her. Signed, mom. Source
Beep
When I was 7…. back when answering machines existed….My mom called and I didn’t feel like talking so I picked up the phone and said “hello, please leave your message at the beep. BEEP!” I was totally convinced this would fool her. Source