When we were in school as students the teachers didn't tell us everything that went on. We don't even know what happens behind the scenes. Now we do...
“He spent the year spewing ignorance…”
“Report Card Language… ‘Cody has been a pleasure to have in class. He has been eager to share his knowledge with classmates and enjoys taking a leadership role. As he moves on to middle school, a greater interest in reading may help develop Cody’s critical thinking skills. Cody has also made progress appreciating other people’s perspectives. Best of luck in Grade 6!’ Translation: ‘Cody was an a–hole. He spent the year spewing ignorance and we are all significantly dumber because of it. The dumbest of his classmates believe he is a god. He is graduating elementary school solely because our district doesn’t buy into retention. He reads at a 2nd grade level despite countless hours of special education. He might have a chance to shoot for the stars and achieve a 3rd grade reading level like his parents. But even if he does, he will still be an a–hole with sociopathic tendencies. Have fun in puberty.'”
“Another technique we use is blatantly…”
“Young love always tugs at the heart strings of us teachers because it reminds us of the good old days when we were young and in love. Well, sometimes we secretly tried to match kids up together. We can tell when one of our students likes somebody in the class or if we think they would look cute together we pair them up together. Another technique we use is blatantly holding the student back saying ‘hey I think jimmy likes you’.”
“I kept on doing this for years…”
“Teachers are normal people just like you and me. I would walk to the back of the class and so quietly I fart very slowly and then I walk back to my desk, and watch the students discuss who farted. It was quite entertaining. I kept on doing this for years and it never got old seeing the students’ reactions. Hahaha”
“hey, the school’s gotta keep graduation rates up…”
“Bullying, cliques, and preferential treatment goes on with teachers, too. Sometimes (obviously not all the time), that teacher who goes out of their way to help you is causing themselves serious difficulties with other colleagues who view you as just some piece of sht. I have seriously stepped on some toes advocating for students. I teach seniors so I’ll be damned if I let a kid repeat a grade instead of graduate for a bullsht reason or not be allowed to go to prom for an equally bullsh*t reason. I think the only reason I’m kept around is because, hey, the school’s gotta keep graduation rates up or we’ll look bad.”
“Sometimes we go out and get…”
“Probably the biggest thing that students don’t realize is that teachers are people just like everyone else. Yes, we like some of you more than others. Sometimes we go out and get drunk or get laid. We have kids and make dinner and read books and spend our time grading all that work you do. Good god do we grade and boy do we not enjoy it, but we have to do it.”
“We’re sworn to secrecy…”
“Most kids aren’t aware of this – but we have long and detailed discussions about each and every one of them (especially the ones we consider or think will face trouble in the future). Basically we gossip. If you’re a student – you’d be amazed to eavesdrop on our talks about you – I bet you’d work like crazy if you knew what the teachers were saying about you to each other. We’re sworn to secrecy so nothing ever leaves the building though. Vow of silence prohibits any teacher or anyone working with kids to spread sensitive information about them that could possibly harm them in the future.”
“I’ll trade you Timmy and Butters for Kenny…”
“You know when you get your class schedule? Have you ever wondered if we as teachers have any input? Well, in some places, before the school year starts, teachers will trade students like an NFL Draft. I’ll trade you Timmy and Butters for Kenny. You can have Kenny, but I’m going to need you to also take Eric. Ohh – Uh – Eric is an a**hole. No Eric, No Kenny. Deal.”
“There was this one time I was so out of it…”
“Have you ever wondered what teacher’s assistants have to go through? We have to basically do whatever the teacher/professor asks us to do from making endless copies, picking up food and bunch of other stupid stuff. It’s definitely not very fun, but we have to battle through it. Well, there was this one time I was so out of it one time I laminated a piece of ham. Wild.”
“We did this during lunch time numerous times…”
“Well at my school, there was a tiny unused computer lab, only 4 computers. One day some of us teachers couldn’t not take advantage of the unused lab so we used to play Runescape on. We did this during lunch time numerous times. This is where we go when the students go to eat lunch. We were going through a ‘I miss childhood and everything makes me nostalgic’ phase.”
“Prettty sure we saw the actor who plays Omar in The Wire…”
“When Prom rolls around the teachers are always the chaperons. It was me, 8 teachers from social studies department, one from math, one from English, and a few of our spouses. I worked at a pretty big suburban school outside of a major city, but the prom was held at a venue in the city. After chaperoning the Prom, we all went to a strip club, male and female teachers alike. The strip club we all went to is known for its “eclectic” strippers. Prettty sure we saw the actor who plays Omar in The Wire walking out as we walked in, and my wife got harassed by a stripper within the first 20 minutes of being there. Fun night…”
“One staff member here took the AC unit…”
“Teachers have cliques and are sometimes so backstabbing and petty toward one another that it would cause them to be upset if they watched their students doing the same things. First day of pre-duty, and people are stealing furniture from each other. No questions asked, just taking sht that was already being used. One staff member here took the AC unit that was specifically purchased and installed for another room. The AC doesn’t work anywhere else in the school because it needs to be attached to a custom-built window panel (which is still in the original room) to properly vent. It’s f*king absurd.”
“They’d mutiny for sure…”
“Lesson plans are no fun, I’ll just start out by saying that. If my students knew how often I put lessons together at the last minute while lecturing them about procrastinating, they’d mutiny for sure. To be fair, though, it’s usually not so much procrastinating on my end as it is taking care of 9 million other things.”
“Little did they know, she would never be back…”
“One time our principal who was from another country somehow got deported to her home country for working without a visa. Well, we couldn’t really tell the parents about that so we sent out a notice saying she had a death in the family and had to get on a plane in the middle of the night. Little did they know, she would never be back.”
“He eventually solved the problem by…”
“I heard about a private war going on in the staff room at a school near me. One of the teachers got fed up because somebody was using his coffee mug. He tried bringing in a trashy, half-cracked mug, thinking that no one would want to steal it, but they did anyway. He eventually solved the problem by drilling a hole in the mug and carrying a stopper for it around on a keyring so only he could use the mug.”
“I’m sure I grade a little easier. Shhhh…”
“There’s one thing as you probably already know is that we don’t like to grade your homework. Just think of all the piles and piles of stuff we have to grade. It seems endless and there’s times I need help getting through it so therefore I drink when I grade papers. It helps me get through the monotony, and I’m sure I grade a little easier. Shhhh don’t tell anyone.”
“Don’t think parents were informed, let alone students…”
“I’m teacher at an elementary school. There was this one guy who always would hang around outside the school. Far enough away that he was on public property. Well one day awhile back he came into the school somehow and went into an empty kindergarten classroom and hung himself. Don’t think parents were informed, let alone students.”
“Mario Sunshine time…”
“When summer vacation comes there is basically no one at school other than some janitors and some summer school classes. The AV room had this huge projector TV that was amazingggg. Well, a couple times or once week during the summer myself and a couple of other teachers hooked up my GameCube to the projector and played Mario Sunshine.”
“The kids drive us to drink and…”
“My friend who’s a teacher, loves teaching don’t get me wrong. But there are times where it gets too much. As she explains, ‘The kids drive us to drink and the drinking drives us to f**k each other. It is amazing there aren’t more pregnant teachers running around.’ Her speech always makes me wonder about the teachers I had growing up.”
“This method generally makes all teachers bad…”
“Lots of schools are very strict on what teachers can teach and have pre set lessons or have to be approved by that group (history group, math and so on) so that way all teachers teach pretty much the same thing, usually it brings every teacher down to the lazy teachers and crushes the good teachers individuality and abilities to teach by making them conform to the rest of the group, because no matter what the bad teachers will be bad but this method generally makes all teachers bad.”