Divorce is never a fun thing to deal with, but these lawyers make it their job to take on the crazy cases that come with divorces.
They Don’t Divorce Because They Like Each Other!
“My mom’s a divorce lawyer and I asked her, and she said that most people who she works with seem to think they are unique with “how much of an a—– their ex is.”
Staging A Stakeout
“Paralegal here. When cheating is involved, the client will often bring in mountains of photographs, text message printouts, bank statements showing where cash was withdrawn, etc. They neeeeeed me to understand how awful this is and they want me to go stakeout their soon to be cheating ex. Cheating is insanely common.
My standard reply of, “Yes, I understand. Yes, I have seen hundreds of pictures and thousands of text messages. Yes, he/she is terrible for doing this to you…” is always met with, “But you don’t understand, this is the worst thing that has ever happened.” Trust me. I understand. You are coming to see me on your worst day ever. I will be sure that the attorney understands your file inside and out, but you aren’t going to shock us, and I am not Facebook stalking your soon to be ex. Well, I might, just for fun, but I won’t go on a stakeout with you.”
Not Avised
“Wife in her mid to late 30s who got married young, had kids, and has now gone a little nutso going out and sewing her wild oats. Not demeaning women here – guys do plenty wrong in marriages, but there is a strange phenomenon going on there. They say women reach their sexual peak around that age.
Mountains and mountains of debt. A lot of people own homes they can’t afford as status symbols. I see a lot of people who own McMansions and a Mercedes who can’t afford basic necessities.
Men addicted to gaming, watching sports, cable news, and/or the internet. Lots of women feel this way.
Believing your attorney can solve all your issues. Maybe should have thought about all that child support you’d have to pay and the reality of raising kids before you had sex. Lots of people don’t know how much the state can do to enforce that child support order.
People get married way too young. Lots of young people get married right out of college because it’s just the next step. Definitely not advised.”
Laying Down The Law
“There are two main areas I’ve seen people are delusional about a divorce: Kids an Assets.
With kids, everyone screams about how much of a d— their spouse is and how the kids just absolutely hate that person. 9 times out of 10, the kids just want to move on and get back into a normal routine. They don’t care a whole lot about the faults of each parent.
With assets, most people don’t realize that being married really is a partnership and that there are ways other than earning income that a spouse contributes to the marital “pot”. Nearly without fail, the higher-earning spouse is adamant that the court will be shocked by how little their spouse did and how there is no chance in hell their assets are going to be divided 50/50.
When I practiced family law, a large portion of my job was tamping down expectations and having to just be real with people.”
Parental Pet Rights
“I’m not a divorce lawyer, but I know a few of them.
Pets! Everyone focuses on child support, but you have no idea how much acrimony is caused by who is taking the cat in the divorce. I’ve even heard of parents doing child-style visitation agreements and pet support.
Spiteful s—, like a wife trying to claim her ex husband’s signed jersey just to burn it or whatever. This happens all the time and yet they all think that they are diabolical geniuses for wanting some asset just for the revenge value. The worst is when they tell their lawyer how much they really love that jersey and how much sentimental value it has, like they need to fool their lawyer. B—-, your lawyer doesn’t give a f— why you want the jersey as long as you’re paying him.
Living together after divorce. Yeah, it’s super weird. But a lot of couples own homes together and can’t really quickly get out of that situation without simultaneously paying rent on a new place and mortgage on the old place. So they’ll live together as they are divorcing and trying to sell the house, and even seeing other people. Which of course leads to more problems.
Thinking that they have come up with some crazy new scheme that courts have never seen before that will allow them to keep everything and give their spouse nothing. And it’s usually something illegal (generally hiding assets), and they’ve usually already started doing it.”
Hiding The Assets
“My buddy at work was planning on divorcing his wife, and decided to do smart s— like sell his $20k gun collection to his buddy for $1, along with other asset hiding and fake sales. His justification being his wife was too dumb to get a lawyer who would find it. He eventually decided not to divorce her, but god he’s an idiot.”
I’m A Professional
“I often receive warnings from clients about how “clever” or “smart” their spouse is and to be careful as to not let them manipulate me.
I don’t want to be insulting so I just say something like “I am a professional, etc.”
In reality the other spouse has never been very clever at all. They just had power over my client that they’ve built through long term emotional and psychological abuse. The client is usually pretty delighted to finally see their abuser get ripped to shreds in court.”
Plot Twist
“Asked a friend about this once.
He said how many people come in peacefully together. It’s not the big standard and it’s not everyone, but it happens “way more than you’d expect”. Both spouses just want the divorce and to move on, apparently it happens quite a bit. He said that sometimes they’ll devolve into a bit of a battle over assets, rarely kids, but more often than not if a couple comes in together he has a bad day because he makes the least money off of them.
He said one couple, collectively after their divorce, sent him a Christmas basket one year… Basically they wanted out and he helped navigate the legalities of it, and everyone was happy…
He also had a story of a woman who had to consult with two private investigators for her husband cheating. The first one she hired was the woman he was having an affair with.”
It’s Not Rocket Science
“Oh God! I know this one!!! I know this one!!! Twenty six years in law practice and 15 of those doing domestic relations cases and now I finally get to say with authority: They think their spouse is the worst ever and that their divorce is the most difficult ever. My most common answer to their on and on rants came to be: “This is costing you about $5 a minute and we can make better use of my time. Besides, you’re the one who married him.”
Level 5 Emergency!
“Family attorney (graciously leaving that area) – literally everything.
Everything is practically the same. Money, kids, earnings, allegations – nothing is unique.
If you can put away your bull— and relish the fact that you are no longer going to be with this person you don’t want to be with, let’s make it easy. I’ve had complex divorces go super easy, and I’ve had simple ones drag on for years out of spite.
Listen. To. Your. Attorney. You know what a good attorney does if he finds himself in a legal predicament? Gets an attorney. Your paying for his experience in the system.
Almost guaranteed, if you go to trial, you will leave with less than you hoped for. You can 99% of the time get something better and cheaper if you agree.
We don’t want your case any longer than you do. If you have unrealistic goals and refuse to listen to our counsel, we will gladly bill you for the time. Most calls between attorneys start out “what does your client want to do?” followed by, “I’ve told my client this but they want to do that”. 90% of the time I know and the other attorney will know exactly how the court is going to rule. I have had countless hearing where we should have everything settled, one side won’t agree, and we’ll go and tell the judge the impasse and that we’re gonna put on this little bit of testimony and let the judge rule. Congrats, that’s 3 hours billable.
If you are going to trial: in most places, family law is like a weird office setting. It’s the same attorneys interacting with each other on a weekly to daily basis. Same with the judges. I inform my clients they are to be respectful of the other attorney and the entire court staff. These are people I have ongoing business relationships with. If you see me having a friendly conversation with the other attorney prior to the hearing or even during a recess, we are not conspiring against you or just trying to milk you for all you have. Same thing, if you see the other attorney speaking with the judge, don’t assume you are getting the shaft – they are likely social with the judge outside the courtroom, like I am. If you have dedicated family judge, and your attorney isn’t on a good relationship with them, find another one.
And please don’t call me. If you have an emergency, talk to my assistant. She will determine if it is an emergency. It likely isn’t. I will call you by the end of tomorrow.”
A Special Circumstance
“Women: Any mother south of 35 years of age will almost always assume that the father is a negligent parent when the kids are with him and that the children are going to die in his care.
Dads often have a different parenting style (more laissez-faire) that today’s helicopter moms just can’t wrap their f—— heads around. And these mothers are convinced that it’s only their irresponsible husbands who are like this and other dads are waaaaay better at parenting.
Men: That child and spousal support laws are so draconian in their specific case that they’ll never be able to afford it. I mean, how are they supposed to afford a mortgage on the new condo and the truck payment and the motorcycle payment and servicing the joint credit card debt and line of credit and trip to Cuba and sparkly things for the new woman and and and…
They seem very shocked when I suggest downsizing their lifestyle in order to meet their legal and financial obligations and are convinced that their situation is special and deserving of some different, magical support scale.”
Nice Try
“Male potential clients come to me asking for help getting their child support lowered for all kinds of reasons that make sense to them but nobody else -especially not lawmakers, judges, or lawyers. My favorite is when they say they just had another kid with new wife or girlfriend and they expect that means their preexisting child support obligation for that kid who lives 100% with mom should be cut drastically. When I tell them it doesn’t really work that way they get bent out of shape. Also when they come to me and ask for a modification and learn that our state’s guidelines went up since their last court order and that a modification would probably mean they pay more money –guys look at me like I must be crazy.”
A Shocking Discovery
“I’m a legal assistant for a family law attorney. The amount of clients that tell me they want full custody of their kids and actually think they have a shot at getting it is astonishing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a party get all of their custodial rights taken away from them. Also, clients seem to think that their spouse cheating on them will give them the upper hand in front of a judge. California is a no fault state, so the judge couldn’t care less if your husband or wife cheated on you. No, it’s not going to get you more spousal support, no, it’s not going to get you a bigger share of custody. The judge might think they’re an asshole but that’s about it. Clients also seem to think that things should be happening overnight. The courts don’t work like that. When we file for cc/cv/cs/ss, it takes at the very least a month to get a court date. The, the judge may or may not make orders at that hearing depending on the circumstances. Unless it’s an emergency situation, it takes a while for these things to happen. I have so many clients that call me every day wanting an update on their case. The one that irritates me the most is the clients that call regarding disputes they have about their bills. ‘Are you going to charge me for this phone call?’ Why yes, yes I am. We charge for all the work we do on your case, and that includes the phone calls I get from you every day. Yes, it did take me two hours to fill out that paperwork for the hearing you wanted. Having an attorney isn’t cheap, and people try to take advantage of us left and right when it comes to their bills because they don’t agree with what we’re charging them for, even though all of that information is listed in their retainer agreement. Sorry my rant got a little off topic. I’m currently at work talking to our favorite frequent caller.”
One Big Mess
“I worked as a Divorce and Family Law Paralegal for a while. That s— is depressing.
1) They think their divorce is the most important divorce on the planet. If you aren’t actively working on their case when they call, they are offended. Unless you are Brad Pitt, I’m not going to be working on your case 24/7 when I have 60 other cases to work on and deadlines to meet.
2) Why they are getting a divorce. I live in a no fault state. No one cares why you are getting a divorce. NO, THE JUDGE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO WRITE HIM A LETTER EXPLAINING HOW YOU KNOW YOUR HUSBAND CHEATED ON YOU AND WITH HOW MANY WOMEN… Jesus. Everyone cheats. People change. Blah blah blah.
3) Their case is going to go through the courts much faster than anyone else. Yes, I know, I live in the historically “fast divorce” City of Reno, but that isn’t the case any more. With a cut and dry divorce, it is still going to take you 6-8 weeks. Particularly nasty case with kids/property/business – a year or even years – depending if it goes to trial. (If you live in California, get a Xanax prescription because that s— is going to take forever). Once we submit our paperwork to the judge for whatever is going on, we can’t make the Judge look at it any faster. If you make us call the court every day, they will move slower on your case and they will work slower on all of our cases. Chill the f— out. It will get a decision.
Those are the important ones. Basically, find a lawyer you trust, and for God’s sake, trust them. They know what they are doing more than you do. If you are confused, ask questions. We don’t expect you to be an expert in how to get a divorce. Once you are divorced, move on and enjoy your life.”
Wrong!
“At least in Maryland people assume because the spouse was cheating they will be able to get more money in alimony from the judge then they would have gotten otherwise.”
That’s How The Cookie Crumbles
“My dad practices family law. He actually had a client drop him because she thought he was conspiring against her by having a conversation with the opposing attorney. They’re cousins and he’s my godfather.”
If You Only Knew
“If I had a nickel for every time I’ve wanted to tell a client, “I don’t really care about his criminal history from before you all were married. You knew and still married and had a child with him”, I’d be able to buy several cases of diet coke.”
A Snap Of The Fingers
“Clients definitely feel that their attorneys can solve all their problems. “I’m paying you, we should have a court order by tomorrow!” Well first of all, we can’t just snap our fingers and make something happen overnight, and second of all, if the restraining order says you can’t go over to your wife’s house, YOU CAN’T F—— GO OVER TO YOUR WIFE’S HOUSE, and NO we won’t bail you out of jail at 3:00 a.m., and NO, WE CAN’T FIX THIS. WE WARNED YOU, DUMB—.”
Lies, All Lies
“I no longer work in law, but just to add in a UK perspective: we used to get clients asking for a quickie divorce or commenting on prenups or something they’d seen on an American TV programme. England has different laws to the US, quickie divorces don’t exist and the first prenup agreement was only (partially) enforced a few years ago – signing a document stating you get the money, house and kids in case of divorce won’t guarantee you any of the things you signed.
This is also just a general point about how British people have an incorrect view of the law from American media – only being allowed one phone call, judges using gavels, an accused being allowed to pick their jury etc.”