Why participate in relatively normal, or even pretty kinky
Ouch
(Source)
My friend is doing his ER rotation and he had to remove a huge salami from this guy’s a_s. It had been in there a while, so he said it was like removing a huge sh_t. Also, I went on a couple of dates with a girl who was a gynecologist. I got a text one day saying “OMG one of my patients is retarded. Their internal organs are prolapsing through their vagina because they thought it would be a good idea to douche with Listerine because they just had unprotected sex and didn’t want to get pregnant. wtf???” So, moral of the story? Don’t douche with Listerine. (Source)
Imagine The Smell
(Source)
My wife heard from her ER friend a crazy story. The police bring a homeless lady into the ER because she is pretty sick and was in need of medical care. No problem this happens a lot in our area. They get her information and inform her that she will need to remove her clothing and put on a gown. She wasn’t able to comply and nurses had to assist her. They remove her clothing and go to remove her underwear. Except the underwear would not come off. The underwear actually infused with her skin and the glue was p_ss and sh_t. She never changed her underwear and constantly went in the restroom wearing them. They nurses actually had to cut off her underwear. (Source)
Somebody Got A Little Too Kinky
(Source)
Teenage girl with severe wax burns. She’d wanted to try melted candle wax, but couldn’t find anything but tealights in her home, so they used some sort of wax found in the garage that left fairly severe burns on her areolas and breasts. (Source)
Divorce Please
(Source)
Ex girlfriend was a nurse. She had one lady come into the ER that night. Her husband had tried to ‘surprise’ her awake while she was still sleeping by shoving a small vibrating dildo up her ass. She spasmed so hard when it happened he lost it straight up there. Where it got bad was it was ON, they couldn’t remove it at home, and this was like 3 am, so the woman comes in for treatment but since it is ‘non-emergent’ they aren’t going to be able to get her into surgery for hours. And it seems like it was quite loud. You could hear the humming when you came into her room. Sad thing was, she was so furious she was demanding a divorce, and her husband had to be physically barred from seeing her by police when he tried to come see her on the floor because she was that mad and demanded a restraining order. (Source)
You Never Forget Your First
(Source)
A older gentlemen with a Sunny D bottle up his a_s. He tried to say he was attempting an enema, but the cap was still on. I’ve had more than my fair share of patients who “fell on” objects while apparently pants-less, but this one always sticks out to me. Partly because it was the very first ER case I had, and partly because it was possibly the most original excuse. This poor dude ended up needing surgery. (Source)
Probably Not The Best Thing To Try Wasted
“I’m an EMT, last month we had a call for hemorrhage, but the caller didn’t give any more details. When we pull up, the guy comes running out to meet us. He just keeps saying, ‘we don’t know what happened, we just woke up like this!’ We get inside the house and there is no furniture except for a single ratty mattress laying in he middle of a rather large living room. On it is this lady, curled up fetal, shivering under a blanket. Surrounding her is a huge puddle of blood. The mattress is soaked and the carpet squishes beneath our boots. There’s blood down the hallway and bloody hand prints down the walls. The lady’s blood pressure starts off ok, but starts to quickly drop as we examine her. We note extreme bruising on her inner thighs and the guy points to a large ‘blood clot’ coming out her butt. We’re worried it’s an abusive situation so we don’t ask anymore questions until we get her in the truck. It turns out that they had come to her grandmas lake house to go fishing, gotten crazy drunk, and started fooling around. He then decided to fist her in the rectum, tearing her internally (hence the massive bruising), and pulling her inside out (hence the “clot”). She had so much alcohol that her blood wouldn’t clot, and she felt something falling out so she kept stumbling down the hallway to the bathroom (hence the blood on the walls). She had lost so much blood that she went into shock and was decompensating, which is just a term meaning dying. We rushed her to the hospital and the emergency transferred her to a major facility for emergency surgery. Last I heard, she lived.” (Source)
And The Darwin Award Goes To…
“My wife has a story of when she was dating a EMT. She was working as a journalist for the local community newspaper at the time, so she tagged along to hopefully get a story. So they respond to a shooting in a very upmarket suburban area in Johannesburg. When they arrive they find a woman covered in gore and blood and a man with a gaping hole in his stomach. What happened is they had returned from honey moon and we’re getting busy. The husband thought it was a good idea to get his wife to insert a revolver into his rectum; however, the revolver was loaded and the safety was off. Mid BJ the gun went off blowing a huge hole in his stomach and covering his lovely wife in blood, intestines and rectum. My wife said the wife was just in shock and couldn’t move or talk. They had a good chuckle when the black police man arrived and remarked. ‘Ahh you umlungu (white people) are crazy.’ The guy died.” (Source)
Guys, This Isn’t Funny!
(Source)
Kind of sex related….guy celebrating his 21st birthday. His friends apparently dissolved his dads viagra in one of his drinks as a joke. He’d had nearly 7 hours of priapism before he finally gave in and came to the ER. (Source)
I Don’t Even Know Where To Begin
(Source)
Homeless patient with a colostomy. Came in because of pain and “red blisters” in and around the stoma. Turns out he had herpes, from letting others have sex with his stoma. (Source)
Awkward Indeed
(Source)
A girl getting fingered by her girlfriend (who didn’t trim her finger nails I guess), had a huge laceration inside her vagina that wouldn’t stop bleeding. There were a few days in a row where a weird, older guy came in for an erection lasting more then 4 hours. He had more piercings on his penis than most people do on their entire body. One guy came in because he stuck paper clip in his urethra, and it got stuck in there. A family brought in their teenage son for rectal pain, and that’s how they found out he was gay. Awkward. (Source)
Not Living That Miata Life
(Source)
One of my first auto “accident” calls as an EMT was this teenage kid and his girlfriend. Mazda Miata. Sharp Turn. Too much speed (as teenagers tend to do). He survived because he was actually buckled in. She didn’t survive as she was crushed by the car when it overturned. Why wasn’t she buckled in? She was giving him road head. (Source)
I Wonder Who Was More Embarrassed, The Mom Or The Child?
“Doing clinicals for my medic a few years ago. I just got back from a late dinner and the nurse who was being my preceptor found me and was all giddy and smiley. It was only weird because she had been cranky all day, and for some reason she was genuinely excited about something. She leans in close and tells me go to a certain room, and enjoy the show. So I walked into said room and sat in the corner after introducing myself as a student. For about 15 minutes I listened to a mother tell her son to tell the doctor why his stomach hurt. Finally he mumbled ‘I put moms toy in my butt, and now it’s stuck.’ The attending physicians jaw dropped and excused himself to ‘order’ X-rays of the patient’s abdomen. They scheduled him for surgery the next day. The next time I came in my preceptor showed me the X-rays that were taken. The dildo was about 8 inches long and about as thick as the kids spine.” (Source)
What A Ridiculous Way To Go
“A young man was allowing his dogs to lick gravy off his penis. He would apply the gravy by dunking it in the can liberally and then sitting back to enjoy. He must have misjudged his insertion and sliced the bottom of his penis on the medal lid. He bled to death on his mattress rather than get help. His roomie called us and we attempted to work him as a victim of shock, but to no avail.” (Source)
A Reasonable Explanation
“I had a guy who shoved a screw driver up his ass so far the base was at the splenic flexure of his colon. He had to have a bowel resection. The surgeon thought it would be funny to send the screwdriver off to pathology. The pathology report declared that the specimen was unequivocally a Phillips screwdriver. Many keks were had by everyone involved in the case. Before sending him to surgery I asked him why he chose a screwdriver and not something designed to be put in his ass. Of course the answer was that he spent most of his money on meth and couldn’t afford such devices.” (Source)
I Hope This Guy Still Isn’t A Cat Owner…
“One of my friends was an EMT. He had to respond to a call once for a guy who injured his penis. It turns out he was trying to f*ck his cat and his cat wasn’t having any of it. He said that was the only time on the job he lost it laughing in front of the patient.” (Source)
Seems A Tad Bit Excessive
“Valentine’s Day about 5 years ago we had a couple come in. I was called to do an abdomen xray for ‘foreign body.’ Turns out he had a 12″ dildo in his rectum. His wife had been using it on him and lost control and it slipped all the way in. He had to go into emergency surgery because he had perforated his bowel. He made it. Not sure what happened to the dildo. Wasn’t the only foreign body in a rectum I’ve had.” (Source)
Is This Some Kind Of Cruel Joke?!
“Medical student here. I met a patient on my GP attachment who was suffering from sexual headache, or coital cephalgia. It was actually very sad. Basically every time he orgasmed while having sex with his girlfriend he would get these splitting migraine like headaches lasting half an hour. It was obviously really upsetting for him and his girlfriend and he was describing symptoms of depression as a result. Treatment is Beta Blockers and apparently works pretty well. I hope he recovered.” (Source)
That Could Have Ended A Lot Worse
“Had a woman who shoved a lightbulb into her vagina. The muscle tightened just enough that it got stuck there.” (Source)
A Likely Story
“My buddy told me about a guy who had gotten a large onion stuck in his rectum. The guys excuse was that he was using it to massage his lower back, which is why he was completely naked and covered in oil, and slipped and fell on it causing it to lodge itself in his colon. The real kicker is that he was a few days into this ordeal because he wanted to pass it without going to the hospital, so in the process he developed a massive impaction because he was completely clogged.” (Source)
Never A Dull Day On The Job
Shutterstock / Rafinaded
A few months back a police officer from a few towns away (20 miles) arrived at the ER to have a large dildo removed from his a_s. Arrived in his police cruiser dressed in civilian clothes and claimed someone had put the sex toy on his seat and it had slipped the entire way into his bum. No explanation of how it got through his unripped pants. Bonus: There is a guy in town referred to by most of the locals as “Biker Santa” because he looks like….well… Santa in biker gear. Apparently the twinkle in his eye is because he has repeatedly been picked up by an ambulance and taken to the hospital to have things that he stuck in his a_s removed. (Source)
It’s Magic! Or Lying. One Of The Two.
“A few months back a police officer from a few towns away (20 miles) arrived at the ER to have a large dildo removed from his ass. Arrived in his police cruiser dressed in civilian clothes and claimed someone had put the sex toy on his seat and it had slipped the entire way into his bum. No explanation of how it got through his unripped pants, though.” (Source)
I’m Sure The Parents Loved Getting That Phone Call
“Two very young kids around 13-14 who had sex for the first time called 911 because the girl’s hymen broke. The male called because of the bleeding. It was less than 20cc of blood. Needless to say, it was an awkward phone call telling them they could either pick up their daughter at this house party or at the hospital.” (Source)
WTF
“A mother brought her child into the ER needing immediate medical attention (obviously), except the child comes in covered in a blanket. The doctor approaches her and notices there is a dog under the blanket too. The story is the child (who is a girl) had sex with the dog, the dog is inside the girl but cannot pull it’s penis out of her. So, the dog panics and starts destroying this poor girls back with claw marks. So they had to rush her to the ER to get the dog off of the girl. However, there was nothing they could do. They had to call in a vet to come in and give the dog a shot to calm it down.” (Source)
The Legend Of The Ripper
“Worked near a college campus where we would stop at least once a month to pick up an undergrad from a guy we started calling the ripper. He got that nickname because we’d always bring a girl from his house to the ER for torn vaginal tissue.” (Source)
Too Funny To Not Crack A Joke
“I saw an x-ray of a guy with a peppercorn grinder in the rectum. A colleague asked the consultant surgeon if there was any pepper still in it. The normally humor-less surgeon said, ‘Why don’t you turn him upside down and give him a shake?'” (Source)
That Man Has Powerful Thrusts
“Had a gentleman and his lady come in after a romantic (drunken) night on the beach. Mid-coitus he misjudged his length, pulled out too far and rammed it into her leg, causing it to snap in half. I have never in my life seen something so horrific and I’ve been an EMT for 10 years. It was in the shape of a Z, completely purple, and swollen. So just remember guys we aren’t as big as we think we are.” (Source)
Great Way To Die From Alcohol Poisoning
“My cousin’s best friend (family friend, she’s known me since I was little) worked in the ER. One of the stories she told me was about this older lady (45-50) who had poured an entire bottle of wine up her ass to get drunk faster.” (Source)