Cops have deal with a lot of dumb people doing dumb things. Check out some of their funniest stories!
Rock N Roll Star
Retired police officer here. I once got sent to a “domestic” (a fight between people living together). When I arrived, a man is standing on the sidewalk in front of a two story house, alone, calm, and sober. Alone, calm, and sober is as rare as a unicorn when domestics are involved. From the upstairs window, I can hear a very pissed off, drunk woman calling us both every name in the book. He tells me that they just broke up yesterday and he came over to get his TV when she went nuts. A half second after those words left his mouth, I hear “you want your (effen) TV (insult)?”. “Here’s your (effen) TV!!! Right then, a 1980s 27” CRT TV comes flying out of the window and smashes all over the sidewalk.
I really miss that job sometimes Source
It Could Escalate To A Slip n Slide
My neighbor’s sprinkler is on and it’s getting MY lawn wet….. I wish I was kidding Source
Pick Up Game
My friend had to respond to a “noise complaint” of some “young suspicious African Americans” playing Basketball in their culdasac, they were staying out of trouble and just enjoying themselves. It was like 5pm, he showed up with his partner and they ended up playing a pickup game in full uniform with the boys. It made the local news Source
Making The Job Easy
Not a cop but I used to be in a band with one. The funniest story he would tell us is that he and his partner were sitting on their bikes the corner (they were motorcycle cops) doing paperwork. All of a sudden a truck pulls up to them at the stoplight, rolls down the window and says “what?” They look at him, shrug and say “what?” He says back to the “what” louder this time and they smell alcohol on his breath. The guy totally got himself busted. Got hauled off for a DUI because he was being paranoid Source
Who Put This Here?
Had an alcoholic walk into a parked vehicle, fall over, blame the driver, verbally abuse him and asked for CSI to ‘prove it’ when we turned up. The driver had just turned on his engine to back out his driveway, and the guy basically heard the noise (bare in mind he was paralytic) and just sort of followed the noise until he blindly walked into it. He had no mark on his leg (where he claimed to have been hit) no dent on the vehicle, not even a mark or any evidence whatsoever. It was a large car and any force would have caused at least a notable mark if it was in motion. Oh and most importantly, the vehicle hadn’t actually moved at all out the drive way. Ended up telling the alcoholic to go away, because he was basically an idiot. He tried kicking off at us and almost got himself arrested Source
Caught Orange Handed
My uncle was a dispatcher in a suburb of Minneapolis/St.Paul, and would tell me stories whenever I saw him. My favorite goes like this:
Uncle: 911, what’s your emergency?
Caller: Yes, I’d like to report two suspicious vehicles passing something back and forth in Potawatomi park.
Uncle: Ok, we’ll send an officer out to assess.
Uncle: Dispatch to car 45, two suspicious vehicles in Potawatomi park, passing items back and forth.
Car 45: Uhhh…car 45 to dispatch, that’s me and Officer Somethingerother, passing Cheetos…
Uncle: 10-4 Source
Where Nobody Knows Your Name
I’ve been a cop for ten years in two states. I go to stupid calls daily, but here are some of the more memorable;
Someone called because the sand at the volleyball court was too hot. It was 80 degrees out. I never really did figure out what exactly they wanted me to do about it.
Someone was “charged by a baby squirrel.”
People frequently called about wildlife, raccoons, foxes, coyotes, bears etc. I worked in the mountains of Colorado, not downtown LA.
Several times a week people call about a “suspicious person” who is “not known to the area.” I have had more than one occasion where I find the person and they are the reporting party’s next door neighbor Source
Mama’s Boy
When my brother was little, he called 911 and hung up. Police show up, he tells us he called because he wanted to talk to our mom. Our mom was an EMT Source
It Could BE Like Woodstock All Over Again
Woman had taken 3 ibuprofen and wasn’t sure what would happen Source
Pull My Finger
Medical emergency, kid had gotten his finger stuck in a wiffle ball Source
He’s some sort of straighty
Domestic dispute call – We got there and the mother of a teenage boy, maybe fourteen, is loud and upset. Her problem was described as, “He’s interested in GIRLS!” Oddly enough, it happens around that age. Not a thing I could do about that one Source
Reimbursement Now!
A guy called and claimed that 1500 dollars was stolen from his truck. He then asked if he could come down to the station to get his money back. I explained to him that we would have to catch the suspect and then he would be paid back through restitution if the suspect is found guilty. The guy wasn’t happy with that answer. He figured he could just come down and the police department would give him his $1500 bucks. He said nevermind he didn’t want to make a report and hung up. The guy was clearly lying. I’ll bet he felt like a genius and thought he figured out some way to get free money Source
Small Town Headlines
Not me but a buddy of mine responded to a domestic call where a man had assaulted his girlfriend with a pizza. He pulls up, sees said suspect sitting outside avidly denying this claim then walks in the house to see a woman covered with pizza and small burns. Man was arrested. I believe this was even on the Jay Leno show or a similar late night show Source
Evander Rollingfield
Policing Student, heard roughly this over the radio while on ride along.
Dispatch – “we have a call.. umm there is a disabled man on the roof of the coffee shop.. he seems to be acting aggressively”
Unit – “10-4 on the way”
Dispatch – “everything ok”
Unit – “he just fucking BIT me”
Dispatch – “are you requesting medical?”
Unit – “…ill be fine… subject in custody”
Dispatch – “10-4”
The entire conversation was incredibly monotone, both me and the officer I was with where laughing uncontrollably. Sadly though we weren’t called to the scene so we couldn’t check it out Source
Still Waiting…
I worked for a somewhat ‘rural’ force in England, so sometimes it did get a bit ‘q’ and not much would really happen.
Anyway, one extremely lazy Sunday, the only thing over the radio for most of my shift were updates on a fallen tree in the road from a traffic officer.
“Yeah I’ve pulled up to the tree, it’s blocking the road”
“Yeah still sat here with the tree, no cars yet”
“I think I see the Council turning up to get rid of it”
“Yeah scratch that it was just a taxi”
“Do we know how long they will be, I’ve been here for ages now”
“Yeah they’re definitely here now to get rid of it”
It went on for hours and it was hilarious Source
Took Care Of That!
Technically i didn’t respond, but:
911 hangup. Upon recall a small child answered and advised there was a spider in his house.
Officer that responded advised over the radio “the intruder has been neutralized.”
I lost it Source
I Pay Yer Salary!
Was base police for a large naval station, a lady called 911 because there was a spider in her garage. We went out to tell her not to abuse 911, and she replied “Well do you have anything more important to do?” My partner and I just sighed, and ended up relocating said spider outside Source
Time For My Programs!
I had this call working EMS. It was an old man with dementia and he couldn’t provide a reason for the call, but it sounded medical so they sent us. The adult son comes walking out of the room about a minute after we broke the chain lock off the door to get in. He was groggy from being asleep but apologized profusely for his father calling 911 once we all realized the reason for the call. After a brief search, the remote was located on the arm rest of the sofa next to the father’s recliner (there was a blanket over it, so he couldn’t see it). We gave him a quick physical exam to make sure he was really ok and wished him a nice day. Both were very polite, the father was just really confused Source
Who You Gonna Call?
Frequent caller, older woman. Nice enough, lost her marbles years ago.
Calls about a ghost in her attic (not the first time this week)
Deputy asks the woman for a mason jar, then heads upstairs to “battle” the ghost. He lights up a cigarette, takes a couple of puffs into the jar and runs out of the house shouting “IVE GOT HIM TRAPPED, STAY BACK!!”
We release the ghost to his own recognizance, and the lady hasn’t called since Source
Such A Nice Boy
Obligatory not a police officer, but my former roommate is. I talked to him a few days ago, he had to respond at 3 in the morning to an elderly lady who lost her cat. After several minutes of questioning, the lady making him tea and offering him cookies, he finally managed to ask her what the cat looked like. The woman looked him dead in the eye and said “What cat?”Source
What Are You, A Park Ranger Now?
A citizen was concerned about an albino squirrel in the park (afraid someone would hurt it or mess with it, I suppose). Wanted me to capture it and relocate it someplace safer Source
Oh Brother(s).
Dispatched to domestic violence “My oldest son is assaulting my youngest son.” Arrive onscene parties are 8 and 6. Mother insists “He got to go.” As in the 8 year old had to go to jail for slapping his younger brother. Both brothers went, to Child Protective Services, and a safety plan was put in place to ensure mother was capable of raising them Source
Bust Him!
Dispatched to theft. “Someone is stealing my tomatoes off the tomato plant.” Looked in backyard, noticed tops of Hastas also missing. Case closed, warrant signed on Bambi, Prince of the Forest Source
Solve MY PROBLEM NOW!
From a few weeks ago on a very busy Saturday evening a guy called in a car blocking the driveway of his house. Parking complaint is a very low priority run and is being held while we attend to car crashes, bar fights, burglar alarms, and the like. Guy keeps calling, keeps being told police are occupied with priority runs. Guy calls back, was robbed at gun point waiting for police. We respond. He doesn’t want a report taken, can’t give description, but while you are here, can you tow this car blocking my driveway. We do. He doesn’t realize business across street has video surveillance. Charged with disrupting public services a week later after video reviewed Source
They Are A Serious Crew
Several reports of burglaries in progress that turned out to be raccoons. At least they dress the part Source
NERDS!
Had to respond to a fight between two guys that started over a Magic the Gathering game. Since I play I helped resolve the conflict (was something to due with instant speed and being able to respond to the instant with an activated ability). Also, I told them in the future to check online for an answer rather than start physically fighting Source
THE GOO!
The officer I was with got called to deal with a family issue involving a minor and some healthcare-type stuff, so I stayed in the car listening to the radio. With things like that, sometimes it was better I gave the family some privacy. There were three other officers on that day. One was being trained by the field training officer, so they rode together. The other had his own car. Anyway, I’m sitting listening to music, and a call comes out. (If any of you recognize this, I forgot numbers/exactly what was said). The call was along the lines of “323, [City Dispatch], can you head to [Address]? Caller is advising there is a brown goo in his alley.”
silence
“[Dispatch], 323. Brown goo?”
“10-4; he says it smells bad”
“Uhh, alright.”
I’m still in the car waiting for my officer to get back, because I want to go see what this mystery goo is. More voices on the radio:
“[Dispatch], 323. I’m 10-23 (on scene). There’s definitely brown goo. It definitely smells bad.”
And more voices:
“[Dispatch], 316 and 324 are going to be out at [Address] investigating that goo as well.”
The FTO had brought his trainee along. My officer hurries back to the car and we decide we need to also investigate this goo. We get to the address and pull into the alleyway. Now the entire city’s police force is sitting in this tiny alleyway talking to the homeowner/caller. In the grass between the gravel of the alleyway and the back of the caller’s garage is this foamy brown goo. It was baking in the summer sun, and smelled like a combination of roadkill and a ham and cheese sandwich that had been left sitting in a hot car for about a week. We all stood around making jokes for a while before a sheriff’s deputy joined the fun. I poked the goo with a stick, which didn’t do much more than release more bad smells. The caller had a rake, which only spread the goo around further. The FTO got this dumb smile on his face and said “You know…this seems more like a fire department issue.” He got on his radio:
“[Dispatch], can you start Fire to our location? For the goo?”
“316, [Dispatch], 10-4”
A few seconds later we hear a fire page (series of tones unique to each department in the county) go out over the radio and start laughing. In about 3 minutes, two firefighters show up in basically a big Ford-F350 with some rescue gear on it. They get out, demand to know why we called them, and then also start poking at the goo. They start to smile.
“You know,” one of them says, “we don’t have any water on this truck…” The other firefighter starts laughing, and the first picks up his radio. “Start an engine to [address].” They back their truck out of the alley. Finally the engine shows up with four firefighters on board and the lights flashing. The driver actually pulls this giant truck into the narrow alley, and drives up to where we were gathered around the goo. They get out and walk up to us.
“Why are we here?”
Officer points to goo; first two firefighters laugh
“What is it?”
“We dunno.”
“Goddamn, it smells bad.”
“Yes. Yes it does.”
The firefighters sit for a moment in silence. “We could…hose it down maybe?” We tell them that they 100% should hose down this goo. The homeowner/caller agrees. The firefighters unload a hose and attach it to the front of the engine. They tell us to stand back, then blast the everloving fuck out of this rancid mystery goo. They send goo and gravel alike flying into this poor man’s yard, coating his garage with it. Now everyone but the firefighter manning the hose is laughing, even the homeowner. As the firefighters packed up their hose, we decided there was no more protecting and/or serving to do, so we headed back for our cars. As we were leaving, one of the officers turned to the homeowner and said “Remember, this is the fire department’s fault” and everyone laughed again.
This all took maybe 25 minutes at most. Such are the joys of small-town policing Source
“Pigs chasin pigs!”
The pig in question, after his capture.
The Pig:
In the middle of some hot, sticky summer day, we were all sitting around in the squad room. I was playing on my phone, the officers were on their computers working on reports. There was a baseball game on I think. The dispatcher called back to us and said there was a pig on the loose near the park. We all responded with the general sentiment of “fuck you, no there isn’t.” But, on the off chance that there was a pig, it sounded pretty hilarious, so we all piled into cars and went to go find it.
We got into the neighborhood where the pig had allegedly last been spotted and split up. The officer I was with said that there was an abandoned house that used to have a bunch of animals in the backyard, so we checked there first. We pulled into the alley behind this house and another officer joined us. The yard was full of shitty wood chicken coops and makeshift pigsties and was overgrown with tall grass and weeds. We tramped through it looking for the pig, but didn’t see it anywhere. We headed back to the cars. We made it about a block away from the abandoned house when the other officer from the yard radioed us:
“Hey….so, uh..check your clothes. I found some fleas on me from that yard.”
The officer and I both look down and there are fleas crawling all over our legs. He slams on the brakes and we jump out of the car smacking fleas off of ourselves. It basically looked like the scene from Tommy Boy when they jump out of the car pretending to be attacked by bees. When we finally stopped this and looked around, we noticed two big burly redneck types with Duck Dynasty-looking beards sitting on the porch of the house we had stopped in front of. One takes a swig from his can of Natty Light and goes “Ya’ll lookin for a pig?”
“Yes sir, we are. Have you seen one?”
“S’over there” says the redneck man, taking another drink and pointing to another alley. In the alley is this little pig, just doing pig things. We radio the other officers for backup. What happened next involved a slow-speed pursuit of the pig through this neighborhood. Two officers were on foot while a third officer and I drove cars and attempted to box the pig in. Eventually, we penned the pig in up against a garage and fence in some old lady’s driveway. We completed the blockade with the two patrol cars, Dukes of Hazarded it across the hoods (more or less), and then stopped. Nobody want to grab the pig. It was making angry pig noises and seemed pretty fast.
“Intern!” one of the cops yelled, “Grab that pig!”
Without thinking, I lunge at the pig and scoop it up in my arms. Angry pig noises intensify. It’s kicking and squirming and squealing and getting all kinds of pissed, so I yell “What do I do now??”
“Uhhhhh…..quick! Throw it in this trash can!”
He wheels over a hot pink trash can and throws open the lid. I dunk the pig in there and we slam the lid shut. The whole time, a weird redneck lady was standing in the yard next to us cackling and yelling “Pigs chasin pigs!”
She eventually came over and asked us to pose with the pig for a picture, which we did. I wish I knew who she was or if she still had that picture.
We had no idea what to do, so we called the sergeant. He called somebody with the city, who brought over a pickup truck with a liftgate on it. The plan was to take the pig to the county dog pound and leave it in a cage until the owner could be found. Unfortunately, there was nobody at the pound that late in the day, someone needed to ride in the back of the truck to make sure the pig-can didn’t tip over, and it had started to pour rain. Being the intern, I got to ride in the pouring rain, sitting on the side of the truck bed and holding the trash can steady while we drove across town to the pound in what must have been a very strange looking convoy.
We ended up leaving the pig in one of the empty cages. The sergeant left a note on the door that essentially said “There is a pig in one of the kennels, contact the police department” Source