Seemingly, kids have no filter at a young age. That means for anyone who is a teacher, you are bound to hear some outrageous things from children...especially when it's things about their own parents. Here are several hilarious examples of when kids spill the beans about mom and dad to their teachers.
My Mom The Adult Film Star
“I was teaching a media awareness unit that includes a representations of gender in media component to my older high schoolers a few years ago and the subject of pornography and whether or not it is degrading came up. It’s always interesting to see how students feel about it, but one of my more typically boisterous kids is silent, arms folded, looking pissed. His friend who sits next to him says something along the lines of ‘hurr ain’t nothing wrong with a little porny-porn’ and reaches over to high-five him, and the kid just deadpans him. After class, the high-fiving kid wants to know why he was left hanging and then finally the other kid sucks his teeth and says ‘Come ON, you know my mom does that sh-t’ and then goes on to say how he’s TERRIFIED to watch any porn featuring women of his ethnicity because he’s afraid his mom will be in it, and how he still can’t get comfortable watching porn anyway because it’s what his mom does.
Turns out that his mom is not only a porn star, but is one of the biggest names in the industry– drove a beamer, bought the family a super nice house, was always dressed to the nines (and in an Audrey Hepburn kind of way). She also was one of the BEST parents to have around during school functions because she knew how to organize everything, she made sure her kids had awesome grades, and she was an all-around super pleasant person.”
Are You Smarter Than A First Grader?
“This came from a first grader who has a parent who is also a teacher (the kid’s dad teaches science at the high school):
‘Sometimes dad makes me do his homework and shows his class because I’m smarter than them.’
Yep. His dad has him do the homework assignments and then he takes them to the high school and yells at his classes because ‘If a first-grader can do it, then why can’t you?’ Asking about that at parent-teacher conferences just about cracked me and my classroom teacher up.”
The Wrong Pair
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“This was my mum, who is also a teacher. 5-year-old kid sees his dad at the end of the day and screams across the school playground ‘Hahahaha dad didn’t have any underwear left so he is wearing muuuuum’s’ while pointing a finger and laughing. Oops.”
That’s Not A Kid’s Toy
“I was on recess duty sitting with a group of my 2nd graders when one girl starts very seriously telling us about the really mysterious thing that happened to her that weekend.
She was playing in her parents room when she found a toy she didn’t recognize. She thought it was so bizarre because it was bumpy and an odd curvy shape and when you push a button it vibrates. Wondering what it could possibly be, she took it into the living room where her parents were entertaining a few friends and held it up asking what it is.
She said, ‘Everyone laughed but they wouldn’t tell me what it was or why they were laughing.’ She was so genuinely perplexed.
It was all I could do to keep it together and play along. I just scratched my head and said, ‘Huh, that’s so strange, I wonder what it could have been. Who knows. One of life’s great mysteries.'”
Your Dad Was Shot In The What Again?
“A gaggle of 4-year-olds somehow got on the topic of guns. A kid said something about them being dangerous and one girl nodded solemnly and said ‘My daddy got shot in the butt and the doctors couldn’t get it back out. That’s why I can’t slap his butt.’ I laughed and told her he probably just didn’t want her slapping his butt.
When he came to pick her up, she told him the whole story, including that I didn’t believe her. He turned bright red and affirmed that he was, in fact, hit with a stray bullet while hunting. When he got to where it hit, the kid pointed to his right butt cheek and gleefully proclaimed ‘right there!’
I still get a kick outta that one.”
The Kid Whose Mom Smelled Like A Marker
“This was a classroom of 2nd grade kids. We had these scented markers that all had odd scents. The black marker in particular smelled terrible. It smelled so remarkably bad that it became sort of disruptive because all the kids had to dare each other to smell it. I finally went over to take it away with another teacher and, of course, we had to give it a check. It was terrible. It smelled like a dumpster at Sea World. Like the worst sort of fish death. One last kid had to get a whiff and she loudly proclaimed ‘That smells like my mom!’ It was really hard not to laugh and unfortunately during PT conferences we discovered it was true.”
You’re A Mistake!
“So I have a student with two last names, but he usually only writes one on his papers. I knew this was because his dad isn’t around, so he goes by his mom’s. Not that unusual. Recently a girl in class was talking about how she was a ‘surprise’ for her parents so this kid chimes in with ‘At least you weren’t a three-minute bar bathroom mistake!'”
When Sexual Euphemisms Run Wild
“When I worked in a special ed preschool, we used to have a pool on grounds that we used in the summer program.
I was only an aide at the time, and one little girl was especially close to me even though she wasn’t assigned to me specifically.
She asked if she could change with me in my stall after swimming. Obviously I said no and sent her to her locker room and quickly tried to retreat back to mine.
But before she closed the door she said ‘What’s the big deal? I have boobers and a vagoober just like you? I’ve seen them before. I take baths with my mom. Her vagoober has hair like a head though!’
It was hilarious, I’m glad I was walking in the other direction so she couldn’t see me trying not to laugh.”
Mom Got All Wasted One Weekend
“5-year-old adorable little girl.
5-year-old: ‘My mummy went on holiday with her friends.’
Me: ‘Oh how nice, did she have a good time?’
‘Yes she did, but she kept falling over.’
‘Wow! How strange. Hope she’s ok now!’
Working with kids is awesome sometimes.”
Dad’s Sleepover
“I had a kindergartener with autism whose dad had a new girlfriend. He came in to school all excited because he was going to Jenny’s house (dad’s girlfriend) tonight. I asked him where he would sleep, because his dad sometimes forgets to bring him a pillow or blanket when he stays over at the babysitters. He said ‘I’m sleeping on the couch, and daddy is sleeping in Jenny’s bed!’ His dad showed up later, and I made sure to tell him how excited my student was for tonight’s visit. It was amazingly awkward.
I had a student with severe autism who was minimally verbal. Most of the phrases he spoke were things he heard other people say (echolalia) or songs he listened too. One afternoon, he randomly started saying ‘Grey Goose, Grey Goose, Grey Goose!’ A friend of his family later confirmed that his dad loves Grey Goose.”
The Good Helper
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“One time an innocent 5th grader wrote something about being a ‘good helper.’ Part of being a ‘good helper’ is babysitting your younger siblings, when your parents want to go to their room for a ‘nice long nap.'”
When A Guitar Lesson Turns Awkward
“I was teaching a 14-year-old the guitar and I told him that if he didn’t practice then I wouldn’t continue teaching him. He replied with:
‘Well, sorry, but I can’t practice. I don’t need that kind of stress, for f–k sakes! As if it wasn’t bad enough to find out my parents are swingers now you want me to f–king practice?'”
Mommy Has A High-Earning Late Night Job
“I had twin 7th graders who found out that their mom was a very high earning stripper. They were very proud. She told everyone that she was in sales. Yes, she was very beautiful.”
Religious Flatulence
“Was teaching Sunday school for K-4 when the kids started talking about their family’s farting habits after a kid ripped one.
One girl said how her cute older sister had horrid, rancid smelling farts that would go through the whole house. A boy stated that his dad would sneak up on his mom when she was reading and fart right next to her head. The kids were all giggling and I wasn’t helping discourage them. So now I giggle every time I see their families at church.”
That Green Stuff Mom Uses
“Many moons ago, while in kindergarten, middle child informed his entire class, teacher included that I was growing grass in the house.
I got to meet a very nice social worker and police officer and show them the trays of sod we were growing as a play/snack area for our guinea pigs.”
A Response That Even Made A Police Officer Blush
“Not a teacher, but my dad had a good relationship with the kindergarten teachers that taught my brother so they shared some good stories.
One of the best was when a police officer came into the classroom one day to talk to the kids and a little girl pointed to his handcuffs and enthusiastically shared ‘My mommy has those on her night stand!'”
Help In The Bathroom
“I used to work with a bunch of teachers, and one of them told me this hilarious story. He taught kindergarten and often had to accompany the little boys to the restroom. He could usually tell who taught the little boys to pee at the urinal (mother or father) — some would pull their pants and underwear all the way down to the floor, others would just unzip. You get the picture. Anyway, this one little boy in his class was being raised by his single mother. She must not have known how to teach him how to shake the last little bit off — instead she would just pat his butt.
So one day, in the restroom, my friend sees this kid take his pants and underwear all the way down, do his business, and then slap his own butt before pulling his pants back up. The mother, of course, didn’t know this was happening, so that was an awkward conversation to have with her.”
Dad’s Beer Choice Is Well-Known
“My students needed to bring in some boxes for a project the other day. One student brought in a beer box from her dad. Another classmate came over and upon seeing the box, screamed ‘MY DAD DRINKS THAT EVERY DAY!’ Apparently his dad lets him drink it sometimes, too.”
A Simple Misunderstanding From A Barry Manilow Fan
“I am a teacher, but this is something my son told his teacher when aged about 6. She called me in because he told her, that he had witnessed a brawl in a nightclub followed by a fatal shooting. Needless to say the teacher was horrified and thought he had either watched this on TV or even worse, for real. I was mortified when I had to explain to the teacher that worse than witnessing these vile acts, he had been learning the lyrics of Copacabana due to overplay on my car CD player. Yes I had to admit to being a closet Manilow fan.”
My Dad The Not-So Violent Gangster
“I’m currently a teacher AND I’m the one who spilled the beans on my parents when I was in first grade.
I grew up in New Jersey. My father had a state government job that, at the time, was heading a pretty secretive project so he was extremely elusive about his career. Being from New Jersey and also being 6 years old, I immediately assumed that he was part of some sort of mafia crime league and did not even think to ask him about what he did for a living.
During one of those ‘getting to know you’ sessions in the beginning of the year, I told my first grade class that my father was part of the mafia. Cue child protective services showing up at our house that evening demanding to survey the house and investigate my family.
I was under punishment for a solid month after that. Oops.”
The Meaning of MILF
“I had a 9th grader look at a picture of Jennifer Anniston and say, ‘Now there’s a MILF!’ I was shocked and hysterical all at once. Over the next minute events showed he had no idea what it meant. The kiddo in the class, with whom I had not been able to connect with yells, ‘Dude! It means mother I’d like to f–k!’ from the far side of the room. The young man is looking around shocked, I’m pointing at my kid yelling, ‘NO,’ laughing so hard tears are coming. My poor guy comes to me after class and says, ‘I’m really sorry, Miss. I didn’t know what it meant. I just heard my dad say it.’ I told him to relay the story to his dad. And that kid and I were bonded the rest of the year.”
My Dad Likes That Other Tobacco
“In Kindergarten, students just had the ‘say no to smoking’ lesson. One little girl shared that her daddy smokes but not a cigarette and only when her uncle goes over. Then she described it as a tube with a little bowl on the end.”
Let’s Hope She Doesn’t Drink Literal Bacteria
“Not a teacher, but I was teaching some lessons on bacteria to a 5th grade class as a school project. One of them noted that one of the illustrations looked like a wine glass followed by, ‘My mom would love that bacteria.'”
Too Much Info Indeed, Kids
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“One year in music class my second graders were chanting a rhyme about setting the table for Thanksgiving, and each time we repeated it a different kid was supposed to say something that goes on the table (napkins, candles, forks, spoons, plates, turkey, pie, etc.) The goal was that to keep the game going you couldn’t say anything that had been said before. One little kid toward the end of the line I could see him panicking because people kept saying his answer, so when we got to him he blurted out ‘Liquor!’ Then a bunch of kids chimed in with ‘Oh, we have beer on our table!’ or ‘My mom has a lot of wine on holidays!’ ‘My mom has a lot of wine every day!’ Too much information, kiddos.”
Doing Time Up North, Eh?
“My grandma was teaching years ago and this kid in her class (2nd grade? Anyway, fairly young) kept saying his dad was ‘doing time up north.’
She phoned the mom just to make sure everything was okay with the family. It’s hard enough being a single mother, but with dad in prison, must be extra difficult.
That is until my grandma found out that the kid’s dad is a logger and he does three months on, three off. That was just what mom and dad called it, doing time up north.”
Mom’s “Fave” Movie Is A Little Sketchy
“‘I know what a masked ball is. It’s in my mum’s favourite movie. But I can’t watch it’
Gives me a note with ’90 shades darker’ written on it. He nods and walks back to his desk. Spends the rest of the lesson grinning at his mates knowing he’s dying to tell them what was on the note.”
Shooting Gophers
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“I was teaching my 3rd and 4th graders a lesson about Charlie Russell and Western art. While the kids were working on their projects, I turned on Ian Tyson for them to listen to (for those of you who don’t know, he’s an old country singer). Most of his music is pretty clean, so I wasn’t too worried about having to be close to my computer to skip a song. The class was silent and I was helping one kid with their art work, when a song comes on that says, ‘Son of a B-tch.’ The kids lose it and start laughing. I run over to switch it to Kids Bop and get the class settled down. But one boy goes, ‘I think he must have been singing about shooting gophers!’ That’s when I learned his clean-cut, church-going dad refers to gophers as a son of a b-tch.”
Shifty Dad
“A kid randomly told me that his dad steals cable and tricks people into buying broken stuff on eBay, that was interesting.”