Some people are just a little bit too dial-happy; that, or their definition of an "emergency" is absurd.
God Works At A 911 Dispatch Center, Obviously
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Old man from Palos Verdes near the ocean called because the ocean was too loud, and asked if me if I could lower the volume. Put him on hold for a few minutes and got back on the phone and said that I turned the sound off of the ocean and it should be much better now. His response was “ahh much better.”
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Oh Deer Me
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Caller: A deer just swam across the river behind my house. Me: Okay? Caller: Well I am worried it might be cold. Me:…….Well there is nothing we can do about a deer being cold. Didn’t it run off after swimming the river? Caller: Yes. Me: Well ma’am it’s a wild animal and I’d guess it’s going to be fine. Caller: ok
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He’ll Take a Side of Hummus With That Emergency
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Years ago I got a 911 call from our big city. A young male Hispanic juvenile is on the other line. It went something like this:
Me: 911 where is your emergency? Him: uh uh.. uh.. I um.. I need a vegetarian. Me: … (completely confused at this point) what? You need a VEGETARIAN? What’s going on? Him: Yeah, a vegetarian. For my dog. He is sick. Me: … a veget… wait.. oh, for your dog?.. You’re talking about a veterinarian, we don’t Dispatch for them. Sorry. Him: Oh, okay. Bye. [Click]
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Gobble, Gobble…Gone
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I was working thanksgiving and a call comes in on the non-emergency line. Caller: “Uh, hi. I don’t know who I need to speak too but I uh… lost a live turkey…” Me: “A turkey…” Caller: “Uh yeah I got a live turkey for thanksgiving and I guess it got out, it was in the back of my truck” Not much more to say about that call except that it wasn’t a prank. Real dude, real address with call history. So I pass his info to animal control and go about enjoying the holiday with the rest of the dispatch center. I got a recording of the call and passed it to AC for laughs. Then the next day! Caller: “Hi there is a turkey in my garage!” Me: “Wait… a turkey? We know about this. let me get you connected to AC” (I then decided to stay on the line to listen) AC: “So I think we know whose turkey that is, we will give you his contact info so he can come get it” Caller: “Is it that weirdo (name) from across the street?” AC: “Uh yeah that’s actually who it is….”
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Lost In Translation
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Former 911 operator/dispatcher. I only worked that job for a few years, but in that time I accumulated more stupid call stories than I could ever recount. Unfortunately, most of them weren’t “funny-stupid,” rather they were just plain “stupid-stupid.” One that DOES stick out, however: It was the middle of a weekday afternoon. I was still in training at the time and hadn’t yet developed a good “ear” for people who were hard to understand. A 911 line rings and after a nod to my trainer, I pick it up. “911, where is your emergency?” On the other end, I hear a man yelling in a very urgent tone. He had a very thick… urban… accent and was speaking so fast I could only understand a few words here and there. He was definitely worked up about something, though, and newbie-me was primed for a major call. Sitting up straight in my chair, heart race increasing, rebidding the location of his cell phone in hopes of better accuracy, fingers twitching against the keyboard, wanting to dispatch help, wanting to type notes into a call… but having no information to type… I’m talking to him this whole time, working desperately to get information about where he is and what’s going on. I’m trying to get him to slow down, to talk slower and in shorter sentences. He’s saying one phrase over and over, “I need…” then I can’t make out the rest. My trainer is straining as well, shaking his head and frowning at me as he pushes his earpiece against his head. He knows it’s serious too, but neither of us can understand this panicked man. I’m working on getting some officers started to his general area, feeling stupid because I don’t know what to tell them to look for… when finally, somehow, something the man says triggers the right set of neurons in my brain: “Sir, did you just say McGruff?” “Yeah, man! McGruff! That’s what I’ve been saying!” “You’re talking about McGruff, the crime dog?” “Yeah! That’s what I’ve BEEN SAYING!” He’s gone from screaming urgently to screaming because he’s frustrated. I’m no longer worried for his well-being. “Sir, just to be clear, do you have an emergency right now?” “Hell naw, man, I’m just trying to find out how to get a hold of McGruff!” Every word he says is suddenly crystal clear, although he’s more angry than ever. It turns out his whole call (to a 911 line) was about trying to see if McGruff the Crime Dog could come make a public appearance at his church youth group at the last minute. By this point, the call has gone on for several minutes and attracted the attention of most other people in the room. I explained to him in the nicest way possible that I had no way of contacting McGruff from the 911 center, that he would have to call the administrative lines at the police department for that, and that this was not an appropriate use of 911, which is for emergencies only. He hung up on me. I traded glances with my trainer with eyebrows raised to the ceiling… then the phone rang again… “911, where is your emergency?” Such is the life…
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Wrong Move Grandma
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I handled a reported “stalking”. A divorced woman called in. Her former mother-in-law saved one of her Facebook pictures and made it her phone background. The photograph was of the divorced woman’s son (the mother-in-laws grandson). The divorced woman wanted her former MiL arrested for stalking her Facebook. So I told the woman; Anything you put on Facebook can be saved by anyone else. She should delete her MiL from Facebook and make her Facebook private. She, of course, flipped sh*t, angry that I wouldn’t arrest this old woman for stalking her. She also said she wasn’t going to make her Facebook private because then new people wouldn’t be able to find her.
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They Call Him Kid Crunch
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A woman called wanting an officer sent to her house because her 13 year old son ate her cereal. She wanted him arrested for theft…
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He’s Not Selfish, He’s Just Needy
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A quite pregnant (don’t remember exactly how far along, but definitely past 30 weeks) woman calls to say that her doctor told her to refrain from having sex for the rest of the pregnancy and she didn’t understand why. I looked at her file, and saw she was having pre-term contractions, so I explained that sexual activity can cause contractions, so it was safer to abstain so the baby could stay inside as long as possible. She tearfully exclaims, “But how will I feed the baby?!?” Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, could you repeat that?” Patient: “How will I feed the baby if I can’t have sex?!?” The patient was convinced that her baby was living off of her boyfriend’s semen, and that it would starve if they stopped having sex. I explained about the umbilical cord, etc. but she refused to believe me until I asked her about single moms, lesbian moms, etc. and asked how she though their babies fed and grew. After a moment of silence, she thanked me, and started to hang up the phone, but not before I heard her screaming her boyfriends name. That man had a good thing going for a while there. I honestly wasn’t sure if I felt more sorry for him, or a baby growing up in that household.
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Her Foot Problem Almost Got Her in Trouble
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Had a woman call 911 because she saw someone driving down the road with his foot out the window. She was following him the whole time, and admitted he had his seatbelt on, wasn’t texting or speeding, he just had his foot out the window. She wanted the police to pull him over, to which I had to explain he wasn’t breaking any laws. She couldn’t comprehend that driving with your foot out the window is not illegal, and proceeded to hang up on me, then call 911 again because apparently I didn’t know the law and she NEEDED someone to stop this man. We connected her to a deputy who told her if she didn’t stop calling 911 for stupid reasons he was going to ticket her for abuse of emergency communications.
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Was It the Squeak That Spooked Her?
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Another woman calling, terrified, whispering into the phone. Says she’s locked in a closet with her kids. I’m thinking a home invasion robbery, and as soon as I get her address, I slam the call in and get ready to start updating quickly. “Why was she huddled in her closet, terrified and on the verge of tears?” Glad you asked. This woman saw a mouse in her house and was terrified and didn’t know what to do because her husband was deployed, so she wanted an officer to come out and take care of the mouse for her. An officer went out and did. Your tax dollars at work!
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This Dude Had a Rocky Problem
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I once took a call from a guy who had found an ‘unusual rock’ on the side of the road. Apparently he had turned it over to what were city employees or road workers of some kind (the fellow was obviously quite intoxicated), but now … he wanted it back. And it was an emergency, as the rock was obviously an relic of some kind that was worth thousands, as it had an impression of some kind of bone or shell in the side of it! At any rate, I managed to convince him that if he didn’t know who he had turned it over to, then we could not track down the rock, and that searching for this person was definitely not a police matter as it was given voluntarily to them, as he had said earlier on the recorded line. Hardly a marvel of a story, but it was certainly one of the dumbest reasons I had ever heard to call 911 in my time as an operator.
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He Was Hungry and Angry, So…
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911 Dispatcher for 2 years a while back. “911, what’s your emergency?” “Yeah, I ordered chicken wings for delivery like an hour ago. Now the pizza place is closed and they won’t answer the phone. They stole my money!” “Sir, did you call 911 because of missing chicken wings?” “Uh…” click
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The Wrong Way to Clean Your Nose
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She tried to clean her sinus cavities out with a q-tip. It snapped off up inside her nose so she tried to fish it out with another….that also snapped off.
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The Award for Best Acting Goes To…
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I’m an ER nurse. We have a phone that connects to the ambulance dispatch and airs “high alert” 911 calls in our department so we can prepare. On April 1, a son called 911 for his mother. He lived out of town, and his father had called him earlier explaining that his mom had collapsed at home after having a bout of severe chest pain, and was not responsive. When paramedics arrived at the parents’ house, both parents were completely fine and explained they attempted to fake a near death experience for April Fools. They said they didn’t expect their son to actually worry enough to call for help.
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She Really Had the Blues
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Paramedic here. Once we had a young woman call 911 around 2am saying that her legs were turning blue. Turns out she had worn a new pair of jeans to the club that night.
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Can’t a Guy Feed People in Peace?
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Had a drunk person call to report he was being harassed. Truth was….. He was being arrested by our officers for throwing pizza at people. All I heard in the background was one of my officers saying to him “that better not be our dispatcher on the phone” followed by some muffled talking and my officer taking the phone and saying “he will be taking a ride with us now” and hung up. Still laugh about it to this day.
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This Guy Had a Crabby Night
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I have been in the 911 biz for over 22 years. If a caller starts the call with “I swear I’m not crazy” then you need to buckle up for some insanity. A guy started a call with those words after escaping from his apartment and running to the closest 7-11. He swore that his roommates were turning into giant crabs. He was going to show the officers that they were currently in giant cocoons transforming. As you might expect he was tripping balls.
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It’s Raining Cats…Dog Gone It
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I had a 911 call the other day from someone complaining that their neighbor was throwing cats into their back yard. “Go on,” I said. See, the neighbor hated the caller’s dog, because it always barked and often got loose. And neighbor felt that the justice system wasn’t moving as swiftly and as mercilessly as they’d like, so they decided to speed up the process. By throwing cats. The reasoning goes: 1. Throw random cats into caller’s yard. 2. “Mean” dog kills said random cats. 3. Horrified, neighbor calls police on dog. 4. Dog is declared a vicious dog under the law. 5. Problem solved. I wish that I could chalk it up to my caller being an unreliable witness, but the responding officer confirmed the theory to me after the fact.
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Is It the Boogie Man? Or…
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There’s so much stupid it’s hard to pick one. Just yesterday a guy called 911 to say someone knocked on his door. That’s it. He was too scared to look outside. Sent officers over. They found a FedEx slip on his door…
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Teach Your Children Well
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911 what is the address of your emergency? giggle, giggle, giggle, hi! 911 what is your emergency? giggle, You come play? Giggle, click. 911 what is the address of your emergency? is this really the police? Yes, what is your emergency? “off to the side” it’s really them, what do I do? 2nd voice. Hangup! Click Ten in one day. Ten. A local daycare center taught 911 that day, but obviously didn’t stress the importance of emergency calls only. One boy called to report his sister was a ‘stupid head’ who stole his snack and needed to go to jail forever.
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Strange Flying Behavior?
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I don’t know if its the dumbest call but one time we had a hostage situation. There was a helicopter in the area circling for several hours. We get nosey neighbor calls wanting to know whats going on, can’t give out any info just tell them to stay inside. So I answer another call, asking about the helicopter. Roll my eyes and give the same speech, the girl asked “but is the helicopter ok? Why does it keep going in circles like that?” She thought they were going to crash land.
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Next Best Thing To Tinder
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“Can you send the Police back here?”
“Why?”
“That last Cop was hot and I want his number.”
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It’s Gonna Hurt So Bad
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Former EMT: My first call was from an old woman in a nursing home. She said “I need my toe nails cut. Bring morphine” (Source)
A Lumpy Situation
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I took a call from a VERY upset female. She said she was bathing her baby and he had a lump on one of his testicles. (He was a 4 month old baby) . I asked if she had brought this up to a doctor. She said no, she wanted fire/ems to come check it out. So, as per our protocol, we sent ems/fire code 3 (lights and sirens) to this woman’s house…. and the baby was fine. It was a vein.
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