He Immediately Shot Himself In The Foot
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“I was sitting in my patrol vehicle watching cars drive by one night when I saw a 4-door car drive by with a taillight out. Usually, I just stop the vehicle and let them know that it needs to be fixed, so I turned on my lights and pulled them over.
Me: ‘Hello, I’m Officer (my name) with the police department. Do you know the reason I’m stopping you tonight?’
Him: ‘…because…I’m messed up?’
Me: (very taken by surprise) ‘Why don’t you go ahead and step out of the car for me…'”
He Was So Far Gone He Couldn’t Identify Basic Objects
“I once pulled a guy over on suspicion of inebriated driving. We didn’t have a breathalyzer, but the guy was so wasted that he was adamant my radio was a breathalyzer.
While we were waiting, he started to get really agitated as he thought we were up to something. He was begging to ‘have a go’ on the breathalyzer (radio), and eventually, I let him blow into the antenna. I told him it was faulty and that we’d have to wait for another. We did and, unsurprisingly, he failed and got arrested.”
Running His Mouth Got Him In Even More Trouble
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“One time I had a traffic stop where the driver was in tears, begging me not to give him a speeding ticket since he was going to have his license suspended.
Me: ‘Tell you what, if you have any information about something more serious than this ticket, I’ll give you a warning.’
Driver: ‘A couple buddies and I broke into a bunch of cars by Main Street.’
Me: ‘You’ve got to be kidding me.’
Driver: ‘I swear! All the stuff we took is at my friend’s house.’
It turned out the driver was part of a group that was going burgling cars. We ended up arresting four people: two adults (both 18 years old) and two juveniles. They all went to jail for a few years, but I kept my promise and didn’t give the driver a speeding ticket.”
He Just Wanted To Pet The Pooch
“I had just participated in a K-9 demo for the local high school, showing off the dog’s agility, attack, and detection skills. Afterward, while standing by chatting with teachers and the principal as students left, a stoner looking kid wandered by and asked if he could pet the pooch. We always bring the super friendly dogs to such demos, so the handler said sure.
The kid walked up, bent over, and pet the K-9. As he did, the dog stepped back, did his ‘alert’ head toss (looks like a girl with long hair using just her neck muscles to throw her hair over her shoulder), sat, and looked to his handler for his treat. The handler told the dog to ‘seek,’ so the dog stepped up, sniffed the kid’s left boot, then sat and alerted again.
The kid, who had been watching all this, looked up to see the teachers, the principal, and the two of us in uniform all looking at him with varying degrees of, ‘Really?’ in our expressions. The kid then said, ‘Aww, dude, he’s one of those sniffer dogs, huh? Dangit.’
We took him into custody briefly and called local officers to bring their dog (we were a military team). All we told them was that we were at the school for a demo and our K-9 alerted on a student. They arrived, their dog walked up, sniffed him over hard at his left boot, and alerted. We all smiled, put cuffs on the kid, and they took over for booking.”
The Problem With Twins
“I had pulled over a guy for some minor traffic offense and I knew he had a twin brother. He gave me his name, Jeff. I decided to check the other twin’s name as well: boom, warrant. I knew he was bullcrapping me, but I couldn’t prove it.
I chitchatted casually for a few minutes and then asked him, ‘So, what’s Jeff up to these days?’ He answered and started telling me, so I said, ‘But I thought you were Jeff?!’ He didn’t even try to get out of it at that point; he admitted he wasn’t Jeff and went straight to jail.
The annoying thing is that I later fell for this with another set of brothers and had to go back and arrest the kid the next day after he totally tricked me.”
It Wasn’t Her First Time Being Negligent With The Kids…
“I once pulled a woman over for speeding and upon approaching the car, I noticed that she had four young children in the car and NONE of them were secured in their seats, even though there were three car seats in the back. So I explained why she was stopped and inquired as to why none of the kids were belted in. Her response was, ‘I don’t have time for that stuff!’
‘Yes ma’am, I’ll be right back with you.’ I went back to my unit and ran her license, noting that she had received a ticket the previous year for the exact same thing, but with just one child. Roger that! Wrote her up for speeding, as well as four additional tickets for the unsecured kids, totaling $900 in fines.
If she had said they had unlatched to see the policeman or some other reasonable excuse and had them buckle up, I probably would have let her go with a warning. Buckle your kids in!”
“Suddenly, The Ceiling Started Talking”
“I was in the middle of a search warrant looking for a bloke who had lots of controlled substance convictions in the past. I found a still burning blunt in the ash tray in the living room, but no sign of the guy in the house. I was 99% sure he was in the roof cavity, so I announced to my partner, ‘I think he’s up there, should we look?’
Suddenly, the ceiling started talking. I heard the softest, ‘No…hehehe, shoot, can they hear me?’ and then, ‘Nah…it’s all good.’
So my partner said, ‘Nah, man. I definitely didn’t hear that guy say we shouldn’t look up there.’
Ceiling replied with, ‘Sweet, I knew they wouldn’t find me.’
Needless to say, we looked and pulled a very stoned guy out from under the insulation batts (side note: they make you itchy as heck so be careful choosing your hiding spots when you’re high).”
She Should’ve Known What The Cop Was Looking for
“I once pulled over a car because I was 99% sure the driver was texting. I got to the window and her phone was on the passenger seat with iMessage open.
Me: ‘Hi, do you know what the speed limits are on this stretch of road?’
Her: ‘Yeah, 30mph.’
Me: ‘How fast do you think you were going?’
Her: ‘I don’t know, I was on my phone.'”
No One Said Anything About Bolts, Buddy
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“‘I never touched a bolt.’ He was suspected of an attempted burglary where the modus operandi was unscrewing a bunch of bolts to loosen a steel security gate.
I hadn’t told him anything about bolts, just said he was detained on suspicion of attempted burglary. He also said, ‘Why don’t we go over there and have a look then?’ while pointing towards the fresh crime scene…and I hadn’t quite gotten around to telling him where the attempt had taken place.
To top it off, he tried to drop a pair of yellow rubber gloves without us noticing. He had the most cliche, ‘I’m trying to be sneaky’ body language ever, like something out of a kids’ cartoon.”
They Had Eaten “Too Many Potatoes”
“I was an officer patrolling mall grounds for a while and it was about as stupid a job as people expect it to be. However, I took the graveyard shift because it was usually interesting at the very least.
One night, it was 3 am and the huge lot was almost totally empty. There was one SUV parked crooked in the middle of this sea of concrete, and it was the only car there.
I took the patrol truck over to look at it, and there were four young women in the truck. Three were sleeping, and when I knocked on the window, two woke up. Fast forward through the obligatory, ‘You okay? Private property, suspicious vehicle, see your ID, blah blah blah.’
Me: ‘So what are you all doing here?’
Driver: ‘We just had dinner and were resting; it disagreed with us.’
Me: ‘What did you eat?’
Front passenger: ‘Potatoes.’
Me: (pointing to a passed out, wasted chick in the back) ‘Did she eat potatoes, too?’
Front passenger: (giggle, hiccup) ‘Oh yeah, a LOOOOTTT.’
Then they all giggled. That was when I asked the county sheriffs to come to remove these wasted girls from my sphere of liability, which they did. But when the radio call went out for four wasted teenage girls in a mall parking lot…well, the response was impressive.
State Cops. City Cops. County Cops. University Cops (which were equivalent to State Cops). Firefighters. EMS. And one secretary of state cop. It was a freaking circus.”
He Was Driving Super Slow And Swerving, Not A Good Look
“I once pulled over a vehicle driving suspiciously slow and swerving on a highway late at night. I was walking up to the car and the guy seemed to be reaching under the seat. I knocked on the window.
Me: ‘Do you know why I pulled you over sir?’
Him: ‘I don’t know, speeding?
Me: ‘No, do you know how fast you were driving?’
Him: ‘Uhhh, no?’
Me: ’15. 15 miles per hour.’
Him: ‘Oh, well then I wasn’t speeding.’
Me: ‘Yes sir, but you crossed the center line multiple times and it seemed like you were looking for something.’
Him: Big smile on his face, high as heck ‘Ahh yeah, I dropped my blunt.’ Regret immediately consumed his face and I couldn’t help but laugh.
Me: ‘Get out of the car please.’ He stepped out. ‘Any other substances in the vehicle?
Him: ‘No, sir.’
Me: ‘What about that bag on the passenger seat next to the bowl?’
Him: ‘Ahh shoot, I forgot I left that there.’ At that point, I was internally dying from laughter. I took his license and saw he was 17.
Me: ‘Alright bud, you got your parents’ phone number?
Him: ‘Yeah, but please don’t call my parents.’
Me: ‘No choice bud, I’m not taking you to jail for weed. I’ll let your parents take care of it. Maybe dump your weed in the ditch before they get you.'”
His Biggest Mistake Was Coming Back A Second Time
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“I was dispatched to an armed robbery call. The complainant was robbed of his cellphone in the parking lot of a gas station. After the suspect got the phone, he said something that made the complainant think he was going to be killed. The complainant sped off in his car and the suspect got in his vehicle, chased him down, and rammed him off the road, then threw a tire iron into the complainant’s windshield.
By the time I got there, the suspect was gone. While I was taking the report from the complainant, the suspect decided to come back to harass the guy but decided to keep driving because he saw the police were there. I got in my car and pulled him over (surprised it didn’t turn into a pursuit). He ended up giving a full confession to the detective. It turned out the gas station also had high definition security cameras and you could clearly make out the suspect. Also, this guy was clearly an idiot and did not understand how the justice system works. He was offered 10 years on a plea deal, but he refused it so he’ll likely go to a jury trial. He’s probably going to get something around 60 years because this is his second conviction for armed robbery.”
This Guy’s Not Getting The Mensa Award This Year
“I was tracking down a suspicious person behind a business that had been burglarized a bunch of times in the past.
Me: ‘What’s your name?’
Suspect: ‘Jonathan.’
Me: ‘Okay, how do you spell it?’
Suspect: ‘…J-O-T-H-N-A-T-H-A-N,’ sighs ‘My name is Robert and I have a warrant out for my arrest.'”
She Should’ve Thought Before She Spoke
“I pulled over a woman for speeding one night. She was doing 45 mph in a 30 mph zone on a gorgeous spring night with pedestrians everywhere. When I asked her if she knew she was speeding, she said that she did: she was having brake problems and was rushing to get the car to her friend’s shop.
The regret was obvious when I pointed out that if her brakes didn’t work correctly, perhaps slower would have been the better option.”
Possession Is 9/10 Of The Law
“I’m a sheriff’s deputy and I work in my jail’s booking facility dealing with freshly arrested prisoners. For every person who was charged and arrested for a crime on a given night (a new charge, not a warrant), they have to go to ‘Probable Cause Court.’ It happens within a few hours of them being booked and basically the judge reviews the facts and a) determines if there’s enough probable cause to charge them, and b) raises or lowers their bond. If no probable cause is found, the case is dismissed and they’re immediately released.
One day, this young kid (17 or 18) was arrested on the street after several homeowners reported suspicious behavior near their homes. The patrol officers showed up and questioned him. While that was happening, one officer noticed a backpack laying down near a tree about 50 feet away. Upon searching the bag, he found about 50 grams of ecstasy, opiates, and pills.
At that point, the officer arrested him for possession of a controlled substance and brought him to jail, $20,000 bond on the spot. Once he got in front of the Probable Cause judge, he read him the case and motioned to dismiss it because the kid wasn’t seen by the officers with the bag, he was only in the general vicinity of it, which isn’t a crime and isn’t necessarily possession.
Once the judge told the kid he was going to be released on ‘no probable cause,’ the kid asked how long it would take, where he’s being released to, and if he could get his backpack back. Yup, that’s right. He asked if he could get his backpack back, but the only backpack that was ‘on him’ was the backpack full of substances; he didn’t come in with a different backpack on his back.
So the judge called him back and asked him what he said, and the kid repeated himself verbatim, again asking if he’d get his backpack back. To keep a long story short, the judge decided to not dismiss the case and instead charged him with the possession charge that he was brought in on.”
He Was Just Trying To Be A Good Fried…
“A man was beaten unconscious by three other men. I caught one of them escaping on foot, but he vigorously denied any knowledge of any incident.
Another officer had collared someone he thought might have also been involved, but he had little evidence other than the fact that he was running away and couldn’t really account for his presence.
The other prisoner was being taken to a cell just as I walked into custody with mine. My prisoner looked at him and immediately yelled, ‘Matt, Matt! Matt has got nothing to do with this, you should let him go. He wasn’t even there!’
A+ for friend loyalty, F for avoiding self-incrimination.”
“This Was A Bad Idea”
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“I was parked in a fully marked police car, minding my own business, when a guy pulled into the parking lot I was in and drove right up next to me. I rolled down my window and he wastedly stated that he was looking for his friend. I could immediately smell his breath and asked if he had been drinking. He paused, looked away, then looked back at me and said, ‘This was a bad idea.’
He immediately attempted to drive away and I pulled him over in the same parking lot. He got out of the vehicle and actually tossed me the keys while saying, ‘I wasn’t driving.’ .249 BAC and an easy day in court.”
The Driver Was Literally Quaking In His Boots
“I used to be a police officer in Australia. To give you guys some background, Australian police can pull people over if they feel like it for a random breath test (RBT). No reason is required. You are not allowed to search the car without reasonable suspicion that they have committed an offense, so sometimes you just ask some questions to see if they crack (and just for fun).
One time, I pulled over a car full of young blokes who were all about 17. The driver was super nervous, I mean nervous enough that he was visibly shaking.
I asked the kid if he had anything to drink. He squeaked, ‘No.’ I could smell pot as soon as he rolled the window down. It was plenty reason for me to search the vehicle, but I could tell the driver wasn’t stoned; his three mates were. I was going to leave it alone.
He passed the breathalyzer, so I asked him if he had any substances in the car. He responded, ‘Not anymore.’ Well, shoot mate…
I ended up getting him out of the car and giving him some advice on talking to the police (usually just don’t). If you’ve done something stupid, give one-word answers and don’t admit to anything. And don’t drive around carloads of stoned dudes, because one will say something dumb eventually. He VERY nervously thanked me, and then very nervously let out a loud fart. I swear, he was about to cry, poor guy.”
The Officer Had No Idea What He’d Really Done
“My father was a cop for many years and one of his favorite arrest stories was when he pulled someone over for a simple traffic violation. The guy didn’t do a full stop for a stop sign. My father asked, ‘Do you know why I pulled you over?’
The gentleman responded, ‘Yeah, yeah, it’s because of all the coke in the trunk.’
After my father read him his rights and was putting him in the back of his car, he asked, ‘Just out of curiosity, how did you know I knew you had anything in the trunk?’
The man pointed to the radar detector in the front and said, ‘I saw the substance detector on the dash and I knew you had me.’ My dad still laughs about that one 20 years later.”
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