Lawyers sometimes have to take cases they don't believe in, and argue on behalf of clients they don't think are in the right. Even the best of them end up in situations where they can barely believe the person they're defending.
Here, defense lawyers tell the story of the worst case they were stuck trying to defend in court.
(Comments have been edited for clarity.)
He Just Wanted To Be There For The Kids
“I’m a defense lawyer trying to get my client released and the judge asks him where he is going to live. ‘With my fiancé’, he says. He spins a lovely tale about how wonderful his fiancé is, how supportive, and did he mention they’re having a baby, and he wants to get out of jail so he can take care of his soon-to-be wife and kid to support them properly? The judge asks the courtroom, ‘Could the defendant’s fiancé please approach the bench?’
From opposite sides of the room, two women stand up and start walking to the front. One is about four months pregnant and the other is nearly nine months pregnant. They are looking at each other with identical expressions of ‘who are you?’
The fight started before they even got to counsel’s table. Pregnancy or not, these chicks were trying to kill one another. The bailiffs had to stop laughing long enough to break up the fight.
My client says, ‘I didn’t think they’d both come.’ The judge said he was denying bail for my client’s own protection.”
Arguing The Victim Contaminated Her Own Skin
“One time, I was stuck trying to defend a guy that was alleged to have thrown his own urine in a woman’s face. The kicker? The guy was an inmate and the woman was a guard at the prison, so it takes things up a notch in terms of penalty. Our defense? Her face tested positive for urea, a substance that is in human urine but is also in an enormous variety of female beauty products. We had to argue that she contaminated her own face through the use of one of these products, and the prosecution couldn’t prove the defendant didn’t just throw water on her. I felt bad for the guard.”
Criminals So Unsettling, They’re Hard To Forget
“I’ve handled a lot of gang murders, so those are routine at this point. As a young lady, it’s the ones who aren’t killing in the name of territory or street cred that get to me. I was affected by a particularly brutal, cold, calculated, sick 30-year-old man accused of murder. He was eerily calm and cocky about his encounter with an underage girl he met and chatted up for about 20 minutes that ultimately resulted in her drowning under suspicious circumstances. He was obviously disturbed, and it was unsettling just being near him. Images of him smiling for the news cameras in the courtroom will pop into my head on a somewhat random basis, and it still gives me the heebie-jeebies. The act he put on when he INSISTED upon being put on the stand in trial ruined him. He would have walked if not for his ridiculous testimony. Within seconds, the jury, who had been paying close attention previously, looked horrified and stopped taking notes as he told his horrific stories. Their minds were made up as soon as he opened his creepy mouth. He was quickly convicted. We did a stellar job with his case, but he dug his own grave. Justice was served.”
Client Admits To Attempting A Biological Attack
“I was appointed to represent a woman who was charged with felony possession of infectious biological substances with the intent to cause bodily injury to another.
This fine upstanding citizen had a relationship with a gentleman that had recently ended because he was cheating on her by sleeping with their neighbor. To get revenge, the accused concocted a plan in which she would steal her ex-boyfriend’s underwear and ‘harvest’ lice from another friend who was infected with crabs. Her plan was to have the friend keep her boyfriend’s balled-up underwear in contact with the infected friend’s crotch region for about a week, then return the underwear to the ex-boyfriend’s dresser drawer, spreading it to the rest of his undergarments, so that he would get infected and also spread it to the neighbor. This was all going according to plan until the woman with the lice got arrested for a list of things, and while being arrested on those other charges, spilled the beans about my client’s plan when they asked why she had a man’s underwear balled up in the front of her crotch.
My client insisted on having a jury hear the case because in her words, ‘Once all them hear what I have to say, they’ll know he had it coming.’ I have never been embarrassed trying to defend a client and make an argument on their behalf before or since. She consistently showed up to court in sweatpants and a t-shirt, with flip-flops and socks, even after we had offered to purchase inexpensive respectable clothes for her and expense them as part of her defense if she didn’t have anything appropriate to wear. She refused and consistently told us, ‘This ain’t no big deal, you are making this out to be a big deal,’ even after several reminders of the possible consequences of conviction. You could smell her throughout the courtroom. I found out from the bailiff after the fact that the judge (who sits at least 40 feet from the defendant’s table) had him Lysol down her chair once everyone had cleared out the courtroom after each hearing. She had a group of ‘friends’ who came to her hearings and kept making uncalled-for outbursts and had to be removed from the courtroom twice. On the second time, they were told not to return again or they’d be thrown in jail, thus prejudicing the judge and jury against her cause even further. Her ‘infected’ friend even testified against her. My client insisted on testifying, against my begging and pleading her to decide not to, and you could see the look of disgust on the faces of the judge and jurors as she showed no remorse or understanding that what she did was wrong, only that ‘he had it coming’ and ‘that’s just what happens in our neighborhood when a girl gets disrespected by a man.’
After her testimony and cross-examination, I requested a recess and thankfully the Commonwealth’s Attorney was an old law school buddy of mine who made me a good offer. I managed to convince her to take a plea of a lesser charge, no jail time, but she would have to testify against a friend charged with gang crimes at a later date in another matter they were prosecuting.
So, our case was laid over until the other trial (which is only three weeks away), where she cooperates with the Commonwealth Attorney’s office up to the point that she is sitting on the witness stand when she changes her mind and refuses to ‘rat out her homies.’ Now I have to go back before the court, re-impanel the jury, and have them convict her. She was sentenced to the minimum five years. The worst part was the almost hour-long tongue lashing the judge gave her, saying how disgusting a human being she was and how he should give her more and how disgusted he was to have to even sit and listen to her speak.
Of course, afterward, this was all my fault. My only legal argument was that crabs were not an ‘infectious biological substance’ as the legislature intended. The judge disagreed and said the way in which the lice here were used was akin to a biological weapon, based upon her own admitted intended use. To be fair, she had admitted under cross-examination to every other element of the crime needed to convict her. I noted her appeal and withdrew from the case, got the judge to appoint another attorney whom I know was a good appellate lawyer, and then left, went back to the office, poured a drink, and wept for the future of humanity. I later learned nothing ever came of her appeal.”
Cases Involving Children
“It started out as a gang initiation – carjacking turned to murder. The juvenile initiate panicked. Then the juvenile committed suicide at the detention center. The client was torn up as well and wanted to plead guilty. We did a psych evaluation and a full pretrial motions practice that lasted a year before we scheduled the plea. He wrote a heartfelt apology to the victim’s dad, and I gave it to him after the plea. Still filed habeas against me two years later, but that was sort of expected.
Another case was this guy who had been screwing his daughter for five years. After a vague outcry, police came to the house and recovered tissue covered in bodily fluids from the girl’s bedroom in the trashcan. I almost got that evidence suppressed because the search was without a warrant but with permission from his wife. He had previously refused consent but was led away to the station for questioning, and they re-asked for consent from the wife, with no husband to contradict her. This went on for almost a year with countless motions. In the end, what the police got from the search corroborated the witness testimony to the tee, and he eventually decided to plea.
The case that affected me the most was a little kid who grew into a man while locked up for two cases: two counts of aggravated assault and another case of armed robbery. He stayed in jail almost three years while the cases worked themselves out. In the aggravated assault case, he was alleged to have shot two lifelong gangbangers due to a dispute. He was a skinny kid, maybe 150 pounds soaking wet, and these gangbangers were all heavily built. Cross-examination of their records was textbook. They had around five convictions each, and I asked about the first three and then let them hang themselves by saying how they’re different now, and how that’s all old news, and they aren’t like that anymore. Then you hit them with the subsequent convictions. You wouldn’t think that would work, that they would know what their own record looks like and wouldn’t fall for this trick. But they do. Every single time. Not guilty, but still locked up because of the armed robbery.
The armed robbery went to trial, and we had an expert on eyewitness testimony, Professor Brigham. He was a professor at FSU, along with Elizabeth Loftus, the pre-eminent expert in the field of human memory and eyewitness testimony. The professor dazzled the jury. Truthfully, I can’t take any credit for it. Not guilty again.
A few days later, he came to see me at my office. I still remembered a skinny kid. Not anymore. In street clothes, this dude was built. Somehow I missed all of that, either looking through the partition glass at the jail or being preoccupied with other stuff in court. We always had a good rapport, so we spent an hour talking about his future plans. That’d be the last time I’d ever see him. A year or so later, he got arrested for murder and is now serving life in prison. I think that if he had been convicted of some of the other charges, maybe he wouldn’t have committed that murder. Maybe if he went away for five or 10 years, he could have come out more mature. Not a 20-year-old jacked-up kid who’s been deprived of fun experiences the past three years. I deliberately kept myself ignorant of the specifics of the murder. Maybe he killed a useless gangbanger psychopath. Maybe he killed a nun. I think it’s better not knowing.”
The Man Who Broke Into The Petting Zoo
“Years ago, there was a silent alarm that went off at the petting part of the zoo at around 3 a.m. It’s usually nothing, so the cops don’t exactly show up with lights flashing and weapons ready to fire. The cops are walking around, taking a look, and find a guy on a stool just going at it with a cow.
Now, this is one of the most unfortunate-looking human beings you can imagine. This dude is hideous, and honestly, you have to feel sorry for him, and understand that the petting zoo is a logical place (in his mind) to find partners.
So the cops arrest him and put him in holding. It was just before their shift change, and because of the timing of it all, every cop working in the precinct has to come by and laugh at the cow lover. Then they tell the story to all the guys coming on shift, so more cops start coming by and doing the same thing. We got an initial hearing that morning, and when I tell the judge the story, he throws out the case, and tells the guy he’s been punished enough by the embarrassment.”
Arrested While Driving To AA
“Although the offense itself wasn’t particularly repugnant, I once had to defend someone who had been charged for driving with a suspended license because he was (quite truthfully) on his way to an AA meeting to prevent himself from drinking. He was a serious drinker who had been convicted of impaired driving several times, and he had found that the only way he could stay sober was by attending AA meetings. On the day in question, his license was suspended because of a prior conviction. He lived quite a distance outside of town, and his friend who typically drove him to the meetings canceled at the last minute. In a panic, worried that without attending the meeting he would relapse and inevitably end up hurting someone else (quite possibly by driving impaired again), he drove his own vehicle, stone cold sober, into town. On the way, he was stopped by the police and charged with driving with a suspended license. In court, I wasn’t sure whether to tell the judge that despite the delay on the roadside and the laying of a very serious additional criminal charge to this poor guy’s history, he managed to call his AA sponsor who picked him up on the side of the highway and drove him to the meeting just in time to arrive only a few minutes late, and stay sober for an additional 24 hours. Albeit with a reduced likelihood of the same positive outcome (on the sobriety front) the following day.”
When The Murderer Films The Whole Crime
“This guy kidnapped, tortured, and killed his then-girlfriend while his other girlfriend helped. He recorded the whole thing on video. He was also recorded talking with the girlfriend who helped him about ‘moving the thing in the backyard.’ During his defense, he said they were talking about a safe that was buried out there.
He was acquitted on all counts, and he moved to a new house a couple years after the trial. The people who bought his old house took out some carpeting and found an air conditioning vent. Inside the vent were the videos of him killing his victim, but he can’t be retried due to double jeopardy. I think they might have gotten him for perjury since he lied during his first trial, but that’s about all they could do at this point.”
Finding Out The Deceased Was A Huge Cheater
“I’m an insurance defense attorney. A guy had an injury, back surgery, and a bad result. He committed suicide. However, he left a note saying he killed himself because his girlfriend found out he was married and had decided to leave him. The back injury was accepted; causation of death was disputed. We had a hearing. The other side put the wife on the stand to establish entitlement to the policy. I had to call up the girlfriend to establish a foundation for the suicide note and the ‘real reason’ he killed himself. The plaintiff’s attorney never told his client (the wife) in advance why the insurance company was disputing death benefits. The girlfriend did not do well reading the note out loud and being questioned. The wife did not do well finding out her husband had been not just cheating, but that heavily involved with someone else.”
Cruelty To Something Dead?
“My father defended someone charged with animal cruelty. The defendant had taken a rope and tied a dead turtle to the back of their pickup truck, and dragged it down the road. His defense was that you can’t be cruel to a dead animal, therefore, it’s not animal cruelty. He won.”
Unfit Mother Refuses To Give Up Custody
“My client was charged with child abuse. She had a history of using illicit substances and was married to a man who was hitting her and her child. One of the allegations from Child Protective Services was that the husband had hit the child with a baseball bat.
So, my client had criminal charges against her, and her ex-husband (the biological father) was petitioning for custody of the child and termination of my client’s parental rights.
After three years of untangling this entire situation, we came to a resolution. My client separated from her second husband (the abuser), went to in-patient rehab, lost custody, but retained generous visitation rights.
Two months after the case was over, I received a phone call from my client. From prison. Apparently, her plan all along was to ‘pretend’ to leave her second husband and reconnect with him when the case was over. Fine. But, she also kidnapped the kid during one of her visits and took the kid to Florida to ‘start over’ with the second husband. Authorities couldn’t find her for weeks.
She received a suspended sentence, probation, and termination of her parental rights. I seriously hope I never hear from her again. If I do, she will be the first client I refuse to represent.”
Probably Not The Best Outfit Choice
“If you spend any time working for a police department, you quickly learn the names of the repeat offenders who come in on a monthly – if not weekly – basis. One such fellow, let’s call him Stan, liked to use illegal substances. I was informed by the DA’s office that he had a warrant out for a probation violation. So I gave Stan a call and told him to turn himself in.
Now, as I said, Stan was a regular and knew all of the drills. If you turn yourself in (or get picked up) after a certain time, you wear your street clothes in front of the judge instead of the cute little jumpsuit.
As it worked out, he turned himself in with a smack pipe in his pocket. Can’t get any worse, right? Wrong. I’m thinking that Stan already has to be the dumbest man to face this courtroom. Then I look up and see him being escorted into the room by the bailiff, wearing a shirt that says something on it about how high he is.
Let’s just say his bail hearing was about as successful as the rest of his life choices.”
Caught With A Horse
“I once defended a nice 80-year-old man who had been married for 50 years. He had several kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids. He’d been charged with engaging in intercourse with a horse. Turns out most of the community knew he’d been interacting that way with livestock for many years, and they’d usually look the other way. I guess he went too far with the horse this time. He pled guilty to the felony, but didn’t get any jail time.”
Arguing For People Who Make You Fear For Your Life
“In my first year of practicing, I had to argue on behalf of a man who was convicted of touching his young daughters. I was arguing in favor of allowing him back into the country in order to help care for his disabled, young step-granddaughter. Reading the details of what he did to his daughters (who were around the ages of 6-8) was horrifying. The now-adult daughters wrote letters saying they’d forgiven him and had no problems trusting him around their own children. I just couldn’t stop thinking that this guy was possibly going to be left alone with a little girl who couldn’t move or talk, let alone defend herself from a convicted child molester.
A weird one I had was a guy who had a felony conviction for threatening and planning to kill his previous attorney. He needed to clear up this issue because of a job opportunity in my country. He sent me a bizarre manifesto about the government’s conspiracies to poison people via tap water, and how it was all the fault of ‘girly men’ in powerful positions. I was scared I’d be his next target because he clearly had severe untreated mental health issues, and all it would take was one lazy or sloppy border officer to let him slip through.”
Defending The Next Eric Clapton
“I was part of the legal team that defended a man who killed his partner by beating her to death in their living room. We argued diminished responsibility, as in, he was only guilty of manslaughter, but not murder since at the time of the assault, he lacked the relevant mental capacity. The jury found against him and he was sent away for 25 years. The last thing he said to me was that he hopes he gets to go to solitary with his guitar so he’d be better than Eric Clapton by the time he got out.
The jury didn’t believe that his previous and ongoing psychological problems (well-evidenced by expert witnesses) had an effect on his mental state to the extent that he lacked the mental capacity to commit murder. They believed that he committed the murder because he wanted to either kill or cause serious physical harm to his partner at the time.
I don’t feel bad about assisting in his case. He was innocent until proven guilty, and in the UK, we have equality of arms in criminal cases. Which means his legal team is given the same resources as the prosecution. It was my job to do my best and that’s what I did.
Surprisingly, it turns out you are allowed guitars in your prison cell in the UK.”