There's no IQ test when you need a doctor. That's probably because nobody who practices medicine ever anticipated that you might need one.
They were wrong. And today, we'd like to share with you a whole bunch of patients who were too daft to interact with the medical profession.
You really aren't going to believe the things people will put in their own bottoms or the lengths they'll go to for a prawn sandwich even if they might die as a result of them.
There really is nothing stranger than people. Except for these people.
(Content has been edited for clarity.)
The Man Who Didn’t Know His Own Knee
“Had a patient come in stating that he couldn’t bend his knee.
Asked him to remove his trousers so I could examine his leg. After he removed his trousers the reason that he couldn’t bend his knee was that he had a plaster cast around it.
Checking his notes, he had been sent numerous letters asking him to come in for removal of this plaster cast and as he hadn’t attended any of the outpatient clinics, the hospital had assumed that he had removed the cast himself.”
He Swallowed A Spider To Catch A Fly
“I spent a semester shadowing doctors in the emergency room in college.
There was a man who came in claiming he had shoved a pill bottle up his butt five days earlier and had not been able to poop since then, so he had subsequently attempted to remove this pill bottle with a screwdriver. The doctors x-rayed his abdomen and found that there was no obstruction in his bowels at all. He had imagined the entire the entire thing, and there was never a pill bottle up his butt in the first place.
The screwdriver, however, was very real.
This man had used a screwdriver to remove an imaginary pill bottle from his butt, which caused rectal bleeding and a lot of other nonsense. Also, his wife was sitting in the room the entire time.
They said that he was so casual about the entire thing, and his wife was just sitting there stonefaced. “
The Amazing Color Changing Woman
“When I was in college this girl (white) I was dating called me all freaked out that her skin, ‘was turning black.’ She said she was going to the hospital. My house was across the street from the University hospital, so I decided to head over to see what was up. She was distraught.
I went into the examination room with her and she explained her situation to the doctor and showed him her arm. The doctor just licked his thumb and rubbed her arm.
Turns out she was wearing a brand new black sweater and some of the fibers rubbed off on her arms.”
Even Basic Biology Is Beyond Some People
“One time when I was 8 or so my mom took me to the ER because I kept getting really hot and then I’d be freezing and we didn’t know what was wrong with me. We got checked in and were told to sit down and wait to be called. While we’re waiting this lady and who I’m assuming was her husband came in. The guy was in one of those electric scooter things, and both the guy’s legs had been amputated. I was sitting right by the reception desk so I could hear all of this go down.
Receptionist: ‘What seems to be the problem, ma’am?’
Lady: ‘His legs won’t grow back.’
R: ‘What do you mean?’
L: ‘His legs aren’t growing back! The scooter isn’t working!’
The receptionist then had to explain to this grown woman that being in the scooter won’t make his legs grow back. The poor guy looked so embarrassed, sad, and just done with everything.”
Don’t Mess With The Shrimp Sandwich
“One patient came in for something and when we ran tests we found that he had a pH of 6.97!! That is on the border of what the body can have and still have any function at all (read: he should be dead). But he was awake and clear. We wanted to admit him to the Intensive Care Unit and adjust it with utmost care.
But he needed to go home… To eat a shrimp-sandwich… Yes, a shrimp-sandwich. We sat down and talked to him and his mother for 30 minutes that no shrimp-sandwich in the world is worth your life, and if there is something else you need to get help with we can help him. But nope, he left. He came back a couple of hours later and we cured his acidosis. But that must have been a mean shrimp-sandwich.”
Those Pills Do Not Work How You Think They Work
“A 20-year-old girl came in with abdominal pains. We did a pregnancy test aaaaand she was pregnant. She acted surprised because she was on the pill. I asked her how long she’s been on it and if she had been taking it daily as prescribed. As if it were the most logical thing on the planet, she said she did not take it daily because she did not sleep with her boyfriend daily. I looked at her trying hard not to laugh. She only took them right after the act, ‘so like maybe a couple of times a week..”
So That’s Why She Didn’t Take Care Of Her Teeth
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“I’m a dental nurse. My favorite was a 30 something-year-old woman who came in for a check-up at the emergency low-cost clinic I worked at. Teeth were broken and almost black and gums are angry swollen, bright red and bleeding by just moving her tongue against them, needed multiple scaling/hygienist appointments and a debridement.
X-ray showed she had all her wisdom teeth and 10 fillings. We did root canals to try and save some teeth and extractions 3 but more if the root canal treatment didn’t work. We explained everything and did the usual explanation of proper mouth hygiene. When we asked her if she had any questions, she says, ‘It’s okay if I lose this set of teeth, my others will come through.’
I and the dentist just looked at each other probably a lot longer than we should have. No words. I couldn’t think of anything to reply to that comment.”
There Was An Attempt
“I was called in for a diabetic. I get there and the patient is an older gentleman who is laying on a bed with what looks like a white mask on.
I ask what’s going on, and the family goes on to explain that he’s a diabetic and the doc told them to give him frosting if his sugar gets low because the sugar content will perk him up. Turns out he didn’t explain that they should put it in his mouth.
That’s right. They put a white frosting mask on this poor guy. Shocker: It didn’t work.”
When Your Sister Is Not A Doctor
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“A 20-year-old girl and her fiancé find out that she’s pregnant.
Me (part way through taking her history): ‘Do you smoke?’
Her: ‘Yea, about a pack a day.’
Me: ‘You should definitely stop that.’
Her: ‘Well, my sister told me that if I stopped smoking, the baby would go into withdrawal and die/’
Me:’ What!!??'”
This Patient Is On Fire, Literally
“I had a fella come into the ER who tried spilled a highly flammable substance all over his pants. He tried to clean it off of his jeans by lighting it on fire, thinking the substance would burn and not his pants. He had some pretty rowdy burns from the calves down because he couldn’t get his pants off of his shoes. To be honest, pretty nice guy… absolutely the kind you’d expect to light themselves on fire, but he was very pleasant considering the circumstances.”
“I Want To Meet THE Doctor!”
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“I recently talked to a patient that is getting ready for surgery that involves usage of robotic arms to help remove the tumors. This allows for smaller incisions and greater precision.
This patient starts insisting to meet the doctor when it seemed like the consult was wrapped up. So we get him back in there, thinking maybe she’s got another question. The patient says, ‘I still want to meet the doctor.’ And the doctor points at himself and says, ‘I’m the doctor.’
Patient: ‘I know you’re A doctor but I want to meet THE doctor!’
Doctor: ‘You’ve already met the resident. I’m the doctor doing your procedure.’
Patient: ‘No, not you! I want to meet the robot that’s going to do my surgery! I feel like we should at least shake hands first!’
Apparently, the patient was expecting some metal man to walk through the door. The patient also had ‘cancer cure’ recipes and was insistent we take notes.”
Wake Up Little Suzy, Wake Up!
“I saw a young woman in the Emergency Department. Her primary complaint, per the triage nurse’s note, was ‘lethargy,’ but she was awake and alert when I went to see her. I told her that she didn’t look lethargic, and most patients who are lethargic come by ambulance rather than walking into the ED, so I was wondering what she meant. She started to tell me, ‘Well, last night while I was sleeping…’ and I interrupted her because, of course, people are a bit lethargic when they are sleeping. But I caught myself and asked her to continue. She then tells me this story:
‘So last night when I was sleeping, I was talking in my sleep. People have always told me that I talk in my sleep: my family, roommates, you know. So anyway, I was talking in my sleep, and I was saying, ‘Mary, (that’s my roommate’s name), Mary – Wake me up!’ And it was really hard for her to rouse me from sleep.’
Me: ‘And that’s why you’re here today?’
Her: ‘Yes.'”
Hold On To Your Lunch
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“Friend of mine is a gynecologist and she told me that once she had a patient come in and tell her that she cannot have intercourse anymore because her partners complain that she stinks really bad down there but she’s never noticed. So doc asks questions like, ‘Have you been using any new soaps, creams?’ ‘Are you allergic to anything?’ and the patient said no.
Doc examines patient’s private parts and the smell is unbearable, she suspects a major infection. Then she realizes that she cannot see inside properly, and she grabs her tools and… she hits something cushiony. She starts to pull gently and extracts a tampon, a month old tampon which was BLACK and GREEN and smelt foul. The patient says, ‘Oh I THOUGHT it had fallen out when I had my last period!'”
Homemade Is Always Better, Right?
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“I was asked by a patient, on the respiratory ward, if I thought his lung cancer might have had anything to do with his 50-a-day smoking habit. Because he rolled his own smokes, he wasn’t sure if they counted.
I struggled to keep a straight face, and said yes, and busied myself in his chart.”
“He Must’ve Really Enjoyed It”
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“We had a man in his 60’s who came in because he’d inserted a plastic jar full of supplement pills into his rectum. This is despite the fact that a few years prior, he had done the same thing, it had perforated his bowel, and he ended up requiring an emergency laparotomy (big cut down the middle of his abdomen) and a Hartmann’s procedure (cutting out his sigmoid colon which had perforated), leaving him with an end-colostomy (the loop of bowel before the part that had perforated was brought out to his skin, emptying into a bag he had to change). He had the bag for 2 years, and then another procedure to reverse it.
He must’ve really enjoyed it.”
This Dancer Is Going To Have To Get Creative With Her Routine
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“I got told to go introduce myself to a patient and get vitals, history, more info on their chief complaint, and start an IV to draw blood for labs. They came in for arm pain and it looked like they had a nasty bug bite on their arm. So, the story was she is a pole dancer, and their Adderall prescription wasn’t doing the trick. So they had an idea how to make it more potent. They heard from a friend that if you crush it up and suspend it in water and inject it, it would be more effective. Except she used tap water to dissolve the Adderall before she injected it. This ended up causing a huge abscess and infection at the site of injection. She ended up losing her arm at the elbow…so now she’s a one-armed female dancer.”
Some People Need A Different Kind Of Doctor
“I had a patient on my OBGYN rotation who was in her 50’s and decided that her clitoris was actually a growth and needed to be removed. She came in 3 different times to talk to different residents over a month and would never understand that she’s always had it and it’s supposed to be there.
We even printed off a diagram of normal female anatomy to explain. Then she started saying her urethra was actually the growth and she wanted that removed. We explained she wouldn’t be able to empty her bladder without it and she then demanded her bladder be taken out too.”
A Stroke Of Not-So-Good Fortune
“I’m a Paramedic and got a call for a stroke. The patient had facial droop and slurred speech says that it feels just like the last time she had a stroke (ten years ago). Says that the symptoms came on about four days ago and she knew the moment it was happening that it was a stroke, but didn’t go to the hospital because she ‘thought she could make it go away on her own.'”
There Are Things That Just Don’t Belong In There
“I work at an ER. I was putting in charges one night and one of the doctors had forgotten to mark the chart appropriately, so I looked at the diagnosis. It read: ‘Imagined object in lady parts.’
I went back to joke about this and got the story. A woman came in and said she’d accidentally sat on a cactus and had spines in her private bits. The doctor had to go looking and never found a single thing, including any wounds or signs of irritation. When I asked why someone would do that, the doctor on at the time said, ‘Well, I guess if you’ve got nothing better to do on a Friday night…'”
Not Using As Prescribed
“I worked at a pain management clinic. In an attempt to combat opioid use/addiction/abuse, a lot of patients were prescribed a medicated cream. It looked a lot like sunscreen, and you just rubbed it onto the areas that hurt.
I watched the nurse carefully and slowly explain how to rub it onto the skin, using small, uncomplicated words and going through the motions of applying it several times…
But every so often, patients would complain that their cream ‘tastes bad.'”
The Reason We Don’t Drink The Things We Find On The Road
“There was a 24-year-old patient who was brought in from a jail in a rural county. He was working roadside cleanup when he found a bottle in a ditch that he thought contained Jack Daniels and he quickly chugged it down. To be fair it did look like it. It wasn’t.
It turns out it was a substance that contained sulfuric acid. Its pH was less than 2.5… Shortly after he gets to the ICU he is in excruciating pain and vomiting blood.
The gastroenterologist took him to do an EGD (basically a procedure where they can look at the esophagus, stomach and duodenum with a camera attached to a flexible tube) and the pictures were horrendous. You could literally see his stomach and esophageal mucosa eroding away.
He had to be sent off to another hospital where they had an esophageal surgeon who could repair the mess. He, of course, needed multiple surgeries and had a very long hospital stay. I saw him a few months later when he was admitted for another issue. He was down to 90 lbs (from about 150) and was getting fed through a PEG tube.
He was very lucky to be young and otherwise healthy (but obviously not very smart).”
A Complicated Medical History
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“Had a guy in the ED for an infection caused by shooting illegal substances into his hand said he had never had surgery. Then when I was examining him and saw his large abdominal surgical scar and asked about it, he told me he had liver surgery for cancer but never finished the chemo treatments.
I was a naïve intern at the time so this caused me great concern, and I asked him where he’d had the surgery/incomplete treatment so I could get the records. He told me, signed the waiver, I faxed them and they faxed me his record.
He had never had cancer, but what he did have was exploratory abdominal surgery to remove the shampoo bottle that got lost in his rectum.”
The Lord Doesn’t Interfere With Diabetes Treatment
“I had a patient who was paralyzed from a low back problem that was reversible by surgery. The night before surgery, his blood glucose was getting up pretty high, like 500ish and climbing. I told him we had to start an insulin drip to control it. Wound healing and infection risk are greatly affected, and no surgeon would do this surgery with BG this high.
He then drops this line: ‘It is against my religion.’ Ok, in fairness, I get religious issues all the time, so I try to be a good doctor and ask.
He states he is Catholic. It took me an hour of my life at 3 AM to get him to take his insulin. He was ever so close to spending another day without the use of his legs because he made up a religious objection to insulin. I can’t fathom the stupidity that had to be conjured in order to roll that dude.”