He Was Totally, Absolutely Sure He’d Never Had Heart Surgery
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“Maybe not an idiot, but one of my favorite ‘Wha?’ patients denied any surgical history. His notes from the referring doctor mentioned bypass surgery. I asked specifically about his heart surgery.
Him: ‘Nope, never had that.’
Me: ‘No problems with your heart at all?’
Him: ‘Nope.’
Me: ‘Ok, moving on…’
While performing a physical exam later, I asked about the giant scar right over his sternum.
Him: ‘That’s from that bypass I had done.’
Me: ‘Oh, I must have misunderstood, I thought you didn’t have any heart issues.’
Him: ‘Well, not since the bypass!’
Honorable mentions from colleagues include the woman who burst into the free clinic, shouting for all to hear, ‘My bo-gina! It be achin!’
That was because she was in active labor.
The last one is really sad: a family of refugees had a young daughter (under 1-year-old) who was medically fragile. A swallow study showed that she aspirated on pretty much everything. Her family was told multiple times that she couldn’t eat anything but they would constantly put food in her mouth because ‘she likes it.’ They refused almost all medical treatment since they thought God would take care of her but had no issue rushing her to the ER when she had a heart attack; this happened 7 or 8 times. I saw her obituary in the paper last month.”
This Nurse Figured She Knew Everything, She Didn’t
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“I’m an EMT. I worked interfacility transport for a while, that means not 911. We had a lady in the ER who was going to a higher level of care at a different hospital. Her blood pressure was through the roof (something like 210 systolic).
We started getting her ready, I grabbed the stuff she’s bringing, and I noticed she’s a nurse.
We asked her if she’s on any medication and she said she was on blood pressure medication but stopped (on her own, not by doctor orders) because her blood pressure went down (that’s not how blood pressure medicine works).
The ER nurse came in and said she got her blood work back and her potassium is slightly low, she’s going to give her a potassium pill. The patient asks if that’s why her head is hurting so badly (no, THAT’s the high blood pressure).”
The Guy With The Lightbulb Was Lying About It’s Reason For Being Where It Was
“I partially severed my left big toe back in 2011. While the doctor was fixing me up, I just happened to ask ‘What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen since working at this hospital?’
He proceeded to tell me of a man that he had to help get a lightbulb out of his rectum. The man said he thought rubbing his feet on the carpet and touching his nose would make it light up (apparently he saw this on TV?). Yeah well, it got stuck.”
Why Do These People Even Wait In The ER?
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“I have lots, the guys with the perianal abscess’ who always think that one dose of antibiotics is enough. There was the special chap who didn’t like having his legs treated for his chronic ulcers and peripheral vascular disease, and that none of us could do it properly and that’s why he was getting the problems.
But the ones that annoy me the most are the ones that come in with a problem, wait for hours at time in the ER, get given their diagnosis which is sometimes serious and then decide they don’t want to come in treatment as the medical team is clearly wrong. They waste their time, our time and it always makes me go home and think I failed, could have done more, should have done this and that, when in reality there’s nothing you can do.”
This Guy Managed To Ignore The Grossest Thing Ever
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“I work in Primary Health as a Nurse, the patient I hate most are the ones who come in for something simple like a blood test or a dressing and just when they’re about to leave they go ‘Oh, by the way, can you look at this/I need a new script/I’ve had chest pain since three this morning/etc.’
We had a nuggety little man who lives in the bush and rarely comes in, he lives on his own and has a real ‘She’ll be right, mate’ attitude (I’m an Australian if you couldn’t tell)
Came into the doctor for a few scripts, on his way out he tells the Dr ‘Oh, by the way, there’s something on my back, can you have a look?’ Righto, he brings him down to me in the treatment room, he lifts his shirt and he has the biggest fungating cancer (google that if you dare) on his back. This thing stunk, was oozing and raised like a rotten cauliflower and was the size of both fists put together covered in band-aids and some toilet paper.
Dr and I just look at each other in abject horror. What. The. Actual. Frack.
We had to send him to a specialist where they removed it surgically in sections because it was way too big to remove at once. How he had lived with that for what must have been months is beyond me. It stunk so bad and was so oozing. I can’t imagine what his bed/clothes looked like.”
When The Doc Offered Water, The Whole Family Freaked
“RN here. I see some crazy stuff, but one thing that stands out was the time I was admitting a guy to the hospital. I can’t really remember what for but he was about 400lbs, diabetic, had heart disease, you name it. Anyhow, I’m at the computer going over some admission questions with him and his 10 family members who were crowded in the room with him. A few minutes in, he started complaining that he’s thirsty. He needed something to drink RIGHT NOW. So I get on my phone and call the nurse assistant and ask her to bring in some ice water. As soon as the words are out of my mouth, the whole family screamed, ‘NOOOO! NO WATER! HE’S ALLERGIC TO WATER!’
Well, this was gonna be a problem. Turns out the guy had been drinking nothing but Sprite and sweet tea for years because of his ‘water allergy.’
The next question the wife had was, ‘Where are we all supposed to sleep?’ The whole family, 10 people, were planning to stay at the hospital with him.
You can’t make this stuff up.”
Vanity Almost Killed Him
“My most favorite one was this moron who came in because he thought he had appendicitis. Turns out he was actually right in that he did – and it had a micro perforation and an abscess already because he’d sat on it a couple days. Mr. Moron had googled it and decided that since in some places they treat appendicitis with antibiotics, he was going to do so for his appendicitis. I explained very patiently for way too freaking long that the research into that only applies to simple, early, non-abscessed appendicitis and was not appropriately applied to his situation. And, yes, I am bitter that I will never get that half hour of my life back. His main reason for wanting to avoid surgery? He didn’t want scars on his six-pack. If you haven’t already gotten the picture here, think of ‘The Situation’ from ‘The Jersey Shore.’
I refused to participate in his stupidity and prescribe antibiotics, so he left against medical advice. Fast forward two days. He’s back in the ER. He had purchased fish antibiotics and was taking that to treat his abscessed appendicitis. He now is septic with a fever of 103, a Lactate of 6, and systolic BP in the 80s (which is hella sick).
Fortunately for him, he was young/healthy and it’s actually really hard to kill young healthy people. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but you have to work really hard. So Mr. Moron pulls through but ends up with a full laparotomy (zipped right down the middle of his six-pack) instead of the nice little laparoscopy scars he would have had if he’d come in the first day.”
That’s Not How Any Of This Works
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“This pregnant young lady and her baby daddy came in one night because the girl was bloated and in a lot of pain. I felt her stomach and it was as hard as a rock, so I asked her when the last time she went to the bathroom was. She told me, ‘I haven’t gone since I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t want to poop the baby out.’ Turns out she had been taking medicine to stop you from going to the bathroom for weeks…It’s shocking to me that there are at least two people in the world that believe you poop out babies.”
Nothing’s More Frustrating Than Know-It-All Patients
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“The stupid patients are the ones that refuse treatment because they ‘know better than you.’ People not managing their diseases is usually due to secondary causes (low education, income, etc), so you really can’t blame them.
Patients who come to the hospital, refuse to give you information to what happened to them, don’t want you to do a physical exam, but still plead for you to figure out what’s causing their distress, are the worst. ‘Do you really need to know if my abdominal pain is lower or upper?’ Guys, the vast majority of diagnoses are made on the history and physical. If you don’t give us an accurate history, it’s very hard to figure out what’s wrong.
When I was on my surgery rotation, we did a small procedure on a patient. Unfortunately, the wound became infected. We were giving her antibiotics and had her on a wound vac. One night, she decided to leave Against Medical Advice (AMA). She kept saying ‘she felt fine’ and wanted to go home. We told her she felt fine because of the potent IV antibiotics and pain meds. Unfortunately, she didn’t believe us. It’s really not an ‘I was right, you were wrong’ feeling. It actually just makes you feel really bad that you couldn’t convince them to stay in the first place. We pleaded with her, but she did it anyway, almost as if show us that she was in control. She asked for a Percocet script after she signed out AMA and wasn’t thrilled when we told her we couldn’t give it to her.
Flash forward a week when I was doing consults in the emergency department. Guess who showed up with the foulest smelling infection I’ve ever smelled, writhing in pain, with green pus oozing from her wound? The biggest surprise it that she made it a whole week.
I don’t remember what happened to her, but I imagine she lived. The surgeons debrided her wound in the ED and admitted her, and I lost track after that.”
A Simple Exam That He Refused Might Have Saved His Life
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“Many would qualify for the idiotic slot, but I vividly recall one guy even though more than 32 years have passed.
I was an intern and examined a middle-aged fellow. His systolic blood pressure was well over 200. I proceeded with ophthalmoscopy and such, and he grabbed my hand, ‘Why are you doing all this?’ I explained to him that his blood pressure was pretty high and we need to examine him very thoroughly.
He just blew up. ‘You are wrong. I can never have high blood pressure.’ It was a scene. The silly guy just would not believe that he could be sick. He walked out fuming and cursing me and the medical profession.
Some three weeks later I was doing my ER duty, and late at night, an unconscious person was wheeled in.
He had subarachnoid hemorrhage (bleeding on his brain), and his kidney functions were compromised. After staying in comatose state for a couple of days, he had a severe heart attack and died.
He was the same nutjob who was refusing to accept that he was sick just three weeks earlier.
He might have saved himself that fatal ending and his kids a life of despair.”
Super Cinnamon Death Snort
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“A patient came in breathing through his mouth. His mouth was as wide as he could stretch it. His breath sounded like sucking that last bit of liquid through a straw. He’d snorted 9 ounces of cinnamon when his mom’s boyfriend dared him to. He then tried to snort water to wash it away. His mucus became like a biscuit. He had a cold too. I tried very hard not to insult their collective intellect.
Since I wasn’t trained to hand out Darwin awards, a colleague of mine suggested a procedure that is normally used to treat patients with asthma.
As far as I could tell, it meant inhaling water vapors to soften up the crust and then blowing/coughing it out. The vapors were supposed to cause the crust to inflate and lose the grip on the skin.
This was, of course, after the poor boy had to endure a probe in his mouth to see how far the cinnamon had settled. Luckily for him, it did not get anywhere near the trachea, so there was no danger of suffocation or choking if the crust inflated or peeled off.
It took 20 minutes before he blew out the first piece. Two 30-minute sessions and the problem seemed to be solved. Most of the cinnamon actually fell down his esophagus, into the stomach.
I was very worried about this boy because the best alternative would’ve been a true near-death experience for him. We were seriously scared that the water vapor treatment wouldn’t have worked, but at least it couldn’t have done any damage. After he was done, he was extremely happy and hugged us tightly.
While all this was going on, the mom’s boyfriend was arrested for trying to take pills from the hospital’s pharmacy.
These are the joys of working in the clinic.”