Being a trial lawyer can be a rewarding job, but you can only give your client so much advice. Mostly, it's up to them to decide whether they will heed your guidance and do what it takes to get through a trial smoothly, or ignore you and do something heinously stupid that will ruin their case.
These lawyers shared their best stories from disastrous courtroom trials where their client opened their mouth when they definitely should have kept it shut. Being this dumb should be illegal!
(Content has been edited for clarity)
I Think He May Have A Problem
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“I had a voicemail message when I came in one morning.
‘Attorney [my name], this is Jen from Judge [judge’s name]’s office. Your client, who I see is charged with harassing his girlfriend with phone calls, left us 87 messages over the weekend. The judge would like a word with you.'”
Sometimes, It’s Better NOT To Raise Your Hand
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“This is a story from a friend of mine. He was defending a guy in court; I don’t remember the particulars of the charges.
The key witness for the prosecution was on the stand and was asked if she could identify the defendant. She was scanning the courtroom and seemed confused — my friend was already silently celebrating because if she couldn’t identify him, he could probably get all the charges dropped.
As he was mentally adding this case to the ‘win’ file, he happened to glance over at his client, who had just helpfully raised his hand to make it easier for her to identify him.
Even the judge facepalmed on that one.”
I Can’t Imagine Why They Didn’t Win
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“My all-time favorite is a client I had who was charged with driving under the influence, who wanted to challenge the charges on the grounds he didn’t think he was inebriated and the tests were improperly administered.
He appeared at his court hearings rip-roaring hammered – twice – and then, both times, he got into his car and tried to drive away. And BOTH TIMES, the police promptly stopped him, administered a breathalyzer and charged him with driving under the influence and related offenses.
Somehow, we didn’t win that case.”
He Just Feels Sorry For Her Lawyers
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“My ex-wife’s lawyers (yes, plural) are the ones who know about all the dumb stuff she’s done. She hasn’t successfully followed a court order yet, and trust me, there have been many.
Here’s the full story. In the past four years, she has opened numerous CPS investigations, has filed police reports accusing me of various offenses (falsely), has had me detained with my son because of these false reports, has tried to kick in my front and back doors of the house, has followed me home randomly, has accused several people in my life of abuse towards our child, and has started a website whose sole purpose was to bash me and every judge who we have ever seen.
On top of this, she has blatantly ignored several court orders including failure to pay child support as owed. She has repeatedly lied to her attorneys (or maybe to herself too, who knows) and told them she is a victim and I am the devil, etc. She has consistently neglected to mention a lot of the stuff she has done or has admitted to doing, so her attorneys are constantly being ambushed by the truth. Finally, she has a history of not paying these attorneys, so they aren’t exactly thrilled to be representing her and quit the first chance they get. She is up to about ten attorneys now.
On the flipside, I have spent/borrowed over $100,000 now to keep my same attorney. I probably will never be able to afford a college education for my child or have any future children because I am not sure I will ever be able to pay these off the legal fees, especially considering this is still going on, and I am racking up fees faster than I can pay them.”
She Tried To Make Things Better, But She Couldn’t See The Bigger Picture
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“I’m still in law school but assisting lawyers with cases. One day, we got involved in a caretaking debate for an old woman. Her daughter and an attorney were declared legal guardians for her, due to dementia and her old age. Her niece was the one who got us involved, questioning the motives of the daughter as an assigned legal guardian.
The daughter’s motives were questionable, as she stole thousands of dollars and even her mom’s vacuum cleaner and silverware (which resulted in the poor woman eating with her fingers) and the case seemed to be a piece of cake for us.
But then the niece, our client, took the old lady away to a senior citizen home to guarantee she was taken care well of. Her intentions were good — but unfortunately, daughter and attorney were still legal guardians and had the right to determine the place of residence. In the end, our client was charged with kidnapping, and we lost the case.
Moral of the story: don’t ever do anything case-related before talking to your lawyer. Seriously. Don’t.”
She Always Had To Be Right, No Matter What
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“I filed a lawsuit after I was hit by a car. This worked out for me after being a horrible experience initially.
I was struck while crossing the street by this 65-year-old lady who was both inebriated at the wheel and high on substances. The cops knew her husband who was a firefighter, and so they didn’t breathalyze or do any tests and didn’t charge her. My EMTs had said, ‘That woman is so sloshed, she’s going to buy you a ticket to Disneyworld,’ which is how I knew she was wasted at the time of the accident. However, I had no proof to bring to the table in the lawsuit because if the cops didn’t charge or make notes, and you cannot add them later.
So we get to MY deposition, and she shows up. She argues with me the entire time over my points, and her lawyer keeps having to tell her that she needs to be quiet. She exclaims to my lawyer, ‘Even the police report is wrong!’
‘What do you mean it’s wrong?’
‘It has me coming from the wrong place!’
‘Where were you coming from?’
‘My friend’s bar!’
‘Really… Did you have any drinks at this bar?’
‘Well, yeah…’
‘How many?’
‘I don’t know; they don’t charge me, they just keep refilling my glass…’
Cue her lawyer’s facepalm as this is all on tape.”
I’m Pretty Sure They’re Gonna Recognize You, Buddy
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“I worked for the public defender’s office and met a client in jail for a suspect line-up, which he had adamantly demanded regarding a crime with multiple witnesses. I met the client for the first time in a separate room to let him know how it would go down and what to expect. This is the kind of line-up you traditionally see on television where some similar-looking people are standing shoulder-to-shoulder in front of the mirrored glass. They pull the people for the line-up from the jail population, and despite their best efforts, this is not a huge population.
I walk in to meet the client, and he has an infected sty on his left lower-eyelid the size of a golf ball. It was the most identifiable mark on a human’s face I have ever seen. He still demanded the line-up and was identified instantly by every single witness without a shred of doubt in their mind. He still demanded a trial.”
Some People Know How To Shut Up, And Then There’s This Guy
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“I watched this case play out in traffic court. The guy who went up before I did was charged with something stupid that should have been a small fine. But when he got up there, he completely lost his cool and started hollering about the injustice of it all. He was carrying on about how America was going down the drain and being taken over by communists when finally the judge lost his cool right back. It went something like this:
Judge: ‘Be quiet! Not one more word! I’ve heard enough! NO MORE! Silence!’
Defendant: ‘But your honor!’
[Long silence]
[The Judge looks down at the guy]
Defendant: ‘But… your honor…’
Judge: ‘Not one more word.’
Defendant: ‘But…’
Judge: ‘I see this is difficult for you to understand. Let me say this exactly one more time, your last chance so to speak, NOT ONE MORE WORD.’
Defendant: ‘Your-‘
Judge: ‘BALLIF!’
So after watching the idiot getting hauled out of the courtroom, the judge bangs his gavel, and it’s my turn. I walk up to the judge’s desk and say, ‘Well I had this well-thought-out defense as to why I was driving without a license and expired tabs, but I’m just going to admit I was an idiot for forgetting both of them.’
‘Oh well, it happens to the best of us. Show me that your license and papers are current and we’ll forget about it.’
After I showed him, I asked him, ‘So what’s going to happen to that guy who went before me?’
‘I’ll probably sentence him to picking up trash on the side of the highway for a few weeks.’
Which was pretty darn funny, especially considering this is Alabama in the middle of the summer.”
Glad You’ve Done Well For Yourself
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“The judge was determining if a defendant qualified to be represented by a public defender.
Judge: ‘Sir, do you have any income?’
Defendant: ‘Yes, your honor.’
Judge: ‘From what source do you have income?’
Defendant: ‘Selling pot, your honor.’
For the record, this happened in Illinois, and the defendant was not under oath.”
She Smelled Money, And She Went After It
“So I’m a law student, but I work at a volunteer desk that helps people complete the forms for court. The awful part is I can’t give any legal advice since I’m not a lawyer, which means I can’t tell these people they don’t have a case. However, the stories are great.
There’s the lady who sues celebrities. She asked me to help her sue Robert De Niro. Someone else helped her with a suit for Mathew McConaughey. She was doing it on behalf of her kids and their fathers for ‘in excess of $100 million.’ She didn’t even know how to spell their names.
Then, there’s the guy who is suing DirectTV, CNN, Fox, and who knows who else. Apparently, he’s the one you have to thank for putting color on your TV shows and adding animation. He was suing because they hadn’t paid him… ever.
Finally, there’s the lady who is suing her former employer for giving her too much money on her last paycheck. She told me they did it because they liked her and wanted her to come back. There was maybe 60 extra dollars on the check. She was suing for $10,000.”
He Went In The Opposite Direction
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“I told my client very clearly, ‘She has a restraining order on you. You absolutely cannot contact her anymore.’
Then they moved in together.”
I’m Busy, Okay?!
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“This was not my client, but I was on the prosecutor’s side when a defendant failed to appear for court. His attorney couldn’t reach him, nobody knew where he was, and so we all sat there for about half an hour until finally the judge got sick of it and moved on with the docket.
We found out later that day that the defendant decided to rob a 7/11 the night before and was sitting in jail two counties over when he should’ve been in court.”
Congratulations, You’ve Been Identified As An Idiot
“My dad is an attorney. A few years ago, his office was robbed, and the guy took a bunch of our ID’s, passports, social security cards, etc. that we kept at my dad’s office.
A few months later, my dad is in court for another case/meeting.
A guy enters the courthouse, going through security for a hearing for some unrelated charges. My dad gets called from his meeting, and the security guys are laughing: ‘Hey get a load of this guy,’ they say to my dad, ‘This guy says he’s YOU!’ They charge the guy with robbing my dad’s office.
Another story. My dad is in a meeting with some guys who were unaware that my dad fluently speaks their native language. They’re telling him one story in English and then switch to their native language to confer about covering up the truth. My dad lets them go on like this for a while before finally cutting in, in their language, and asking them about the real story. They were dumbfounded, and busted.”
His T-Shirt Might As Well Have Said “I’m Guilty”
“I work as a legal aid lawyer in a Canadian province. I have had many dumb clients, who did many stupid things:
One wore a ‘smoke ganja every day’ t-shirt while attending their substance trafficking/producing trial.
A woman attempted to smuggle smokes to her inmate partner via their baby’s diaper.
A man intentionally pooped his pants on the way to court to delay their matter.
Another guy denied driving under the influence. Upon search by police, a highball glass full of liquid was located in their jacket pocket.
A guy came in and said he wanted to sue Crest because their toothbrushes kept cutting his gums. He asked if I wanted to see his evidence. I said no, but he still proceeded to dump a grocery bag of used, slightly bloodied toothbrushes onto my desk.”
Lights, Camera, Police Sirens
“I’m a legal secretary. It’s illegal to kill crocodiles in Australia, so our client filmed himself and his friends doing it. Funnily enough, they got caught! It’s going to be kind of hard to disprove a video that shows them killing an animal and the subsequent celebration. Plus, they took photos with the carcass. What an IDIOT.
Another guy robbed the pub he worked for, stole the owner’s pickup truck, drove to the city, went straight to the casino, parked the work car in the lot, lost $10,000 playing blackjack, then hired two females to keep him company for $500 and was entertaining them when the cops arrested him. Classic.
There are probably others, but I’ve been doing this for ten years, so they’ve all blurred together. People are dumb.”
Hold On, I Just Need To Make One Quick Stop
“I was doing a trial for a client in a circuit court about an hour outside of the city where I operate. The client decides to get a cab out there and tells the driver they’ll pay them when they arrive.
The client arrives in this community and gets the driver to stop at a local convenience store across the street from the courthouse. The client then attempts to steal five 26-ounce bottles of Grey Goose and is promptly arrested and taken into custody. The trial is postponed as we spend the day (unsuccessfully) applying for bail.”
Was The Glue A Metaphor For Their Emotional Bond She Had Broken?
“I’m a paralegal and the list of dumb things I’ve seen would stretch to the moon. The list of mean things would be twice as long.
Some examples: This was not a client of mine, but a defendant who took revenge on his girlfriend by gluing down everything in her apartment. He glued pillows to the bed and couch, the ashtray and phone to the coffee table, and even glued the vacuum cleaner to the carpet.
Another dumb one: Not showing up for court. I had a defendant/client with a simple traffic issue, but he WOULD NOT come to court. Now, he had an attorney (a good one) who had negotiated a sweet, sweet deal, but since he wouldn’t come to court, the judge put a warrant out for his arrest.
No big whoop. We find the client, arrange for him to come to court on the next available day and file the appropriate motions to have the warrant lifted. And guess what? He doesn’t show. So now, his sweet deal is blown, he’s incurred $700 in additional attorney fees for the extra work, and there’s still a warrant out for his arrest.”
Let’s Just Get This Over With
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“I’m a law student, but I had a professor who was a former public defender share this gem: her client was on probation after being released from prison, and was riding his motorcycle on the highway when he saw a cop pull over another driver. He decided this was his cue to pull over as well, approach the officer, and disclose that he was currently in possession of a weapon and illicit substances, both of which would violate his parole.
When she asked him why he would ever do that, he said, ‘they were going to find it eventually.'”
Well, You Certainly Didn’t Hide Anything From The Cop
“My high school best friend’s father is a lawyer, and I remember him telling me this story years ago.
He gets a client charged with drinking and driving. He asks the client what happened and the client states that he had two drinks, got stopped, and the police wrongly charged him with driving under the influence. My friend’s dad then looked over the evidence as any good lawyer would do. Come to find out, there was video evidence from a dash cam! Awesome!
His client on video was visibly hammered, and he described it as ‘you’d be stupid to think he was sober.’ He was convinced there wasn’t much he could do with this. There’s icing on the cake though. When the police officer went to give him the breathalyzer his client is heard stating, ‘I’m too wasted to use this thing.'”
Apparently, The Defense Rests
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“My dad was a lawyer in the Navy. One of his first big cases was defending a guy accused of falling asleep at his post during Vietnam. My dad was all psyched, delivering what he thought was a well-prepared defense to the judge.
Then the judge interrupted him, telling him to turn around and wake up his client.”
You Call Yourself A Lawyer, But All I See Is You Lying Around
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“There are stupid lawyers too, you know.
How about this one: a friend of mine wants out of business with his stupid partner, and hires a highly-recommended lawyer to handle contractual issues. He hands him over the business keys, credit cards, and mobile phone that are rightfully owned by the partner so that he can return them through proper channels. Over six months, the former business partner’s lawyer keeps sending threatening letters asking for the return of said keys, credit cards, and mobile phones.
Eventually, he sues. The idiot lawyer doesn’t allow my friend to come to the hearing (calls him about one minute before it starts), and never mentions he had said items all along at the hearing. The friend loses and has to pay damages. Oh, and the lawyer sends the bill the same day, then goes on vacation for a couple of weeks.
My friend is hiring a new lawyer to both appeal the decision and sue his former lawyer.”