There are a lot of rules and regulations we are supposed to abide by as American citizens. Unfortunately, some of these defendants broke these laws and tried to defend themselves in the most head-scratching ways possible.
Talk About Self-Incrimination
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“My buddy was working the graveyard shift at a gas station that got robbed. The police caught the guys. He had to testify as a witness and I had to drive him to court, so I hung out in the courtroom during the trial.
One of the guys – acting as his own defense attorney – called the other guy to the stand and asked him, ‘When we robbed that gas station, was I there?’
The whole courtroom facepalmed.
The silver lining here is that we got to leave early, along with half of the Ann Arbor Police Department that he’d summoned ‘just to see if the judge would let him.’
The judge stopped the proceeding and heavily advised that the defendant no longer represent himself, even though he had fired his public defender twice already.”
Even The Defense Attorney Knew This Guy Was Going Away
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“I was on a jury for a case in which someone was being tried for assaulting a police officer. There was a chase, during which the cop slipped and broke his foot. After the suspect was caught, the officer told his partner he thought his foot was broken. The suspect then shouted, ‘EFF YOUR FOOT’ and stomped on the officer’s broken foot.
His defense claimed that he simply slipped and landed on the cop’s foot by accident, and his exclamation of ‘EFF YOUR FOOT’ was simply a ‘coincidence.’ This defense attorney also fell asleep during the trial and was literally snoring, quite audibly, until the judge stopped the trial to reprimand him.
On the second day of the trial, we started over two hours late and we weren’t allowed to know why. After the verdict was reached, the judge revealed to us that the delay was simply due to the defense attorney showing up incredibly late.
After the trial ended, the judge took us aside and was like, ‘I don’t want anybody to feel like you have a weighty conscience for delivering a guilty verdict in this trial. We weren’t allowed to present the details of other cases in this trial, but this defendant has more than 10 other cases pending for everything from armed robbery to weapons trafficking to selling illegal substances 20 yards from a grade school at 9 a.m. He’ll be away for a while.'”
When High School Drama Reaches Its Pettiest Level
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“I interned at a court this summer. We had a high school girl filing for a restraining order against her friend. The papers they submitted were ridiculous! They had things like screenshots of mildly rude text messages complete with bad spelling. Apparently, they disagreed over if a word was really a word and one girl flipped her hair. The other said it was a ‘vicious hair flip.’
She thought she could get a restraining order over a hair flip!!
Seriously, go watch your local court trials. Stuff like this comes up so often.”
When Your First Attempt Fails, Try Another
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“I once saw a guy who was charged with assaulting an officer after jumping the subway turnstile. He came to the hearing with a public defender who was actually pretty skilled.
The guy denied it all and claimed that the officer was more or less harassing him and his buddies. Then the prosecutor showed the videotape. You could clearly see the defendant climbing the turnstile, the officer catching him and his friends, throwing them out, and the defendant then delivered a football kick to the officer’s balls when he had his back turned.
The defender asked for a short break (clearly he hadn’t seen the evidence before and his client wasn’t telling him the whole story). They came back in and admitted the kick but claimed self-defense. That didn’t work.
In a separate case, another guy was caught at a club with a weapon in his sock. He claimed it was given to him by a friend earlier that night and that he was going to turn it into the police. That didn’t work either.”
He Had An Ironclad Defense Against The Witness’ Claims
“My friend’s father is a defense attorney and this story always made me laugh.
He was defending a man who had broken into a store, I think it was a convenience store. His plan was to sneak onto the roof of the building and break in through a trapdoor or something. The roof was bad and so during his planned robbery, he fell through the roof, landed on the counter in front of the woman who owned the store, and was promptly apprehended.
In court, the woman was asked to identify the man who had attempted to rob her store. She pointed directly to the suspect, saying it was him.
Hearing this, the man jumped up and shouted, ‘Your honor, that’s impossible! There’s no way she could have seen it was me, I was covered in soot!’
He lost the case.”
You’re Not From Here? Your Tattoos Say Otherwise
“I was once on a jury for a criminal case. The defendant was caught manufacturing and selling illegal substances out of a property on ‘Shirley Street.’
He was trying to prove that he did not own the property, however, he had ‘SHIRLEY’ tattooed on one forearm and ‘STREET’ on the other.
He lost.”
Claiming Immunity Won’t Save Him
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“Pretty much all sovereign citizens arguments. American law doesn’t run on the ‘open sesame’ principle where a few magic words will open legal backdoors – but the best was a client electing to represent himself and claimed immunity via a Native American treaty, although the treaty had expired in the 1870s, he wasn’t a Native American (he said he was adopted in jail by someone of that tribe), and the treaty’s terms didn’t grant him immunity anyway. His argument failed and he’s looking at 150 years for 12 armed robberies and a bunch of assaults with no good defense on the facts.
Informally, we figured that a competency argument was within reach because there were serious questions about whether he could aid in his own defense, but he wouldn’t agree to an evaluation for competency, and instead elected to represent himself at the get-go, and the one-on-one with the judge wasn’t nearly as in depth as an eval, so he got through that prior to offering up this motion. At the same time, he also told the prosecutor that he won’t accept any plea deals because they didn’t have authority to convict him. We are not representing him anymore but I’d imagine the competency argument is still a good one if he elects to go that way or if he gets represented again and he gets involuntarily committed, but it’s out of our hands for the time being.”
When You Accidentally Admit To Another Crime
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“I am not a lawyer, but I once sat in court for a probation violation hearing where I watched someone try to justify failing a urine test for coke.
His defense? ‘I wasn’t using coke, your honor. I was just rocking it up to sell. That’s how it got in my system.’
Instead of just admitting he had a problem with coke and going to treatment, he blatantly admitted to manufacturing/distributing crack.
He went back to prison. He was on probation and already convicted of a crime. The terms of his probation clearly stated that he was not allowed to use coke (and probably that he wasn’t allowed to possess it or be around it at all — that’s how it’s usually worded), but he tested positive for it anyway.
It doesn’t matter what his excuse was, the substance was found in his system with the test. Generally the only way you can ‘beat’ a positive test is if you show the test was somehow faulty, tampered with, or you have a legal prescription or physician’s note for the substance (so, theoretically, if he’d had eye/sinus surgery and coke was used, he would have been fine).
Therefore, it’s a violation of his probation, and the judge is allowed to revoke the probation and make him serve his underlying sentence.
When you are put on probation, you sign documents agreeing to all of this (in lieu of serving your original sentence). You generally also agree to commit no new crimes (so manufacturing/selling crack is also a violation, anyway).
The burden of proof is totally different than other situations.
I also once saw a probation violation hearing where a guy had gotten a violation for missing his appointment with his probation officer. His excuse? He was an illegal immigrant and had been deported and therefore unable to attend. It checked out. He also went back to prison, though.
I don’t know how immigration law works and why he wasn’t re-deported immediately, but I do know there was an ICE hold on him.”
She’s Watching Too Much TV
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“I once watched an exotic dancer defend herself in Dallas County court back in the summer of 2012 for possession of a decent amount of weed.
She actually used the phrase ‘most crimes are solved within the first 48 hours,’ just like in the tv show. She then proceeded, in an attempt to nullify the evidence against her, to argue that because the weed wasn’t tested within 48 hours, the evidentiary trail had gone cold and she couldn’t be convicted.
I have never seen a more full gallery than at that trial. God bless that skinny moron.”
Caught Up In The Semantics
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“I witnessed the following in traffic court:
Judge: ‘In the case of speeding, how do you plea?’
Defendant: ‘I refuse to plea!’
Judge: ‘What do you mean?’
Defendant: ‘Texas driver’s code of conduct is not a legislative law of the land, it’s a contractual agreement that does not apply to me for I am not a driver, as defined by the state of Texas as “a person who operates a motor vehicle in a commercial capacity.” I am a traveler operating my private conveyance on a public road, and I do not need your permission to do so, nor am I subject to you commercial code of conduct.’
Judge: ‘Ordinarily you’d be correct. However, YOU HAVE a drivers license and in that “voluntary contract,” you agreed to abide by our codes and policies and be subject to our jurisdiction, and since you offer no evidence in your defense and instead want to argue legal semantics, I find you guilty in the amount of $255.’
Defendant: ‘Thank you, your honor, may I discharge my debt to the state with yet another obligation?
Judge: ‘I beg your pardon?’
Defendant: ‘Can I pay you with an I.O.U. or script drawn upon a private bank?’
Judge: ‘No!’
Defendant: ‘Thank you, your honor, then what am I to pay you with?’
Judge: ‘Cash, you get it at the bank.’
Defendant: ‘I’m very sorry, your honor, but I’ve been to the bank. And they don’t have dollar bills. All they have are Federal Reserve notes, which legally are instruments of debt and carry with it an equity attachment. Since I can’t discharge my debt to the state with yet another paper obligation, what am I to pay you with? Gold and silver?’
Judge: ‘YOU CAN PAY ME WITH EITHER!’
Defendant: ‘Thank you, your honor, can you please explain to the court how 1 is equal to 38?’
Judge: ‘I beg your pardon?’
Defendant: ‘Well, you see, your honor, it takes 38 as these green dollars to buy one of these silver dollars, and you said that I can discharge my debt to the state with 255 of either. So can you please explain for the court record, and my benefit, how you consider the two are equal?’
The judge stood up and banged the gavel and yelled: ‘You go sit down with the prosecutor and whatever he comes up with, I’M GONNA SIGN!'”
Hopefully She Better Understands The Law When She Grows Up
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“I was in a courtroom one time when a girl was appearing on a charge of underage drinking.
Instead of seeking an attorney, the juvenile defendant and her mother decided it would be best to represent themselves in court.
Prosecutor: ‘The officer’s report states you admitted to drinking from the bottle that was found in your hand, yet you plead not guilty. Why?’
Girl: ‘Well, I only sipped it. It wasn’t even a tablespoon full. More like a quarter of a spoonful.’
Judge: ‘So, do you want to change your plea to guilty?’
Girl: ‘NO! I’m not guilty! It wasn’t even that much!’
Judge: ‘You realize the law reads: NOT A DROP?’
Girl: ‘I’m not guilty!’
Judge: ‘GUILTY! Next case.'”
Why You Shouldn’t Lie About Your Job
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“I got called in for jury duty one time. There were a couple dozen of us in the trial room being vetted to choose 12 of us for the case. They came up to one kid who had to have been just 18 years old. The prosecutor was going through the same questions she’d asked everyone else, then she came up with an unexpected question.
‘Do you recall what you placed on your jury summons form for your occupation?’
He replied that he didn’t recall. Turns out that he put ‘Hustler’ as his occupation. She raked him over the coals about it, talking about how it was perjury to falsify the information. Talked about the fines and jail time he could face, the whole nine yards. She closed with:
‘Therefore, I wish to dismiss Fred Smith from this jury. He either knowingly perjured himself on the juror forms or is engaged in felonious activities.’
The kid was either dumb or had some large jewels in order to do that.
He’s lucky he didn’t end with a fine or something, or maybe he did after the fact. Ultimately 12 jurors were selected before my number was called and I decided to go back to work rather than sit and watch the case.”
She Ran Into A Parked Car…A PARKED Car
“The dumbest plaintiff I ever saw was one who scraped her car against a parked RV and then sued the owner of the RV.
She even said, ‘I told him he shouldn’t park his RV there! I told him if he parked it there, I might run into it, and I was right!’
The plaintiff thought the RV was too wide and shouldn’t be allowed on a residential street, but, in fact, it was within the legal limit and was legally parked.
The judge found for the defendant. He said, ‘If you know a hazard is there, and you don’t avoid it, that is the definition of negligence.'”
“Okay, You Go Ahead And Explain That To The Judge”
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“I used to prosecute local code violations.
I once had a guy tell me he didn’t own a house anymore because he didn’t want it, so he was not responsible for the building code violations.
Defendant: ‘I moved out. It’s not mine. It belongs to the bank now.’
Me: ‘Sir, your name is the last recorded deed. Under the law in this state, you need to have compelling evidence you no longer own the house, which you haven’t shown me.’
Defendant: ‘It belongs to the bank!’
Me: ‘Which bank? There’s no mortgage on this property.’
Defendant: ‘You’re stupid. Don’t you know how this works? If you move into a house and then you don’t want it anymore, then you can leave and the bank takes it!’
Me: ‘But there has to be a mortgage…there’s no bank with an interest on this property.’
Defendant: ‘Banks just take empty properties. They do it all the time.’
Me: ‘So…you’re saying some bank owns the property now because you abandoned it…even though there’s no mortgage.’
Defendant: sighing loudly, ‘YES!’
Me: ‘Okay, you go ahead and explain that to the judge.’
It didn’t go well for him.”
It Was Over Before It Started
“Back when I first started majoring in criminal justice, one of my assignments was to go to the local courthouse and sit in on about five cases, take notes, and meet the judge.
Anyway, I was sitting in the back after I met the judge and in walked a buddy of mine from high school. He was never the brightest kid but he was always nice, but apparently, he was there because he had tried to sell pot to an off-duty officer.
So, after all the preliminary information was discussed, in walked the cop fully uniformed and everything. The whole appearance went on for about 20 minutes because the kid kept saying, ‘I don’t understand, I didn’t actually make the sale. I never got any money and the pot never left my hand, why am I here.’
This went back and forth between the judge and the defendant for a good 15 minutes before the judge stopped trying to explain the issue and issued him 30 days parole and 160 hours of community service.
Every other person in the room was just facepalming and I just sat there and felt bad for him.”
Off On A Stupid Technicality
“A friend of mine who was working at the public defender’s office while in law school. He was tasked with coming up with something to give a client a good faith defense. The problem was the accused was caught on video beating a corrections officer nearly to death and permanently blinding the C.O. in one eye. Dead to rights.
The D.A. decided to throw the book at the guy and charged the defendant with a ‘riot in a penal institution.’ After duly checking the chain of evidence (all in order) and making sure there wasn’t even the barest hint that the defendant had reason to believe he was defending himself (there wasn’t) my buddy thought, ‘Well… Is it just one guy? Is that really a riot?’ But yes, one person can indeed be a riot.
But you see… a county jail, in the statute of that state, is not considered a penal institution. So the dumbest thing he’s ever seen someone try to get away within a courtroom was something he himself did. When the date of the trial came, he and the public defender stood up and demanded that the charges be dropped.
The D.A. and the visibly crippled for life C.O. contained their incredulous outbursts of outrage and the judge asked why. ‘Your Honor…the jail is not a penal institution.’
My friend says what followed was an hour-long ‘IN MY CHAMBERS! NOW!’ session where both prosecution and defense were given a thorough reaming by the judge for the gross miscarriage of justice… but the charges were dropped.”