The legend of the lot lizard has a long and sorted past. While there aren't as many around as their used to be, the stories that come out of their appearances are still incredible, as these truckers show us.
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Cutting A Good Deal
“My dad has been a long-distance truck driver for 36 years. He told me this story a couple of years ago about a co-worker who was minding his own business at a truck stop in St. Louis when he heard a knock on his window. He looks out and sees a lady of the night with a guy (pimp). She offers him mouth action for $5. He says no. $4. No. Eventually, she goes down to $1 and he takes it. Not crazy necessarily, but just sad and disgusting.”
Maybe Not Worth The Regret
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“One of the many jobs I’ve had was a truck driver. And I picked up a lot lizard.
I hated everything about the job, but I needed the money and I was losing my apartment so living in a truck didn’t seem so bad. I was somewhere out west at a truck-stop and was feeling really down, not wanting to drink as I had to drive the next day. I figured I was just going to cry myself to sleep when I got back to the truck. And that’s when I saw her.
She definitely wasn’t a looker, but then again neither am I. She was chubby with a muffin top, clothes that look like they hadn’t been washed in a few weeks, greasy unkempt hair, and a cigarillo hanging out of her mouth. She looked like she was somewhere in her 40s or 50s and had definitely been through a lot. I walked up to her and told her that I was feeling pretty down and wondering if she could help. She told me she could make anyone forget about their problems, and we made our way back to my truck.
We got back to the truck and I asked how much this was going to cost she says we’d talk about it afterward and her prices were reasonable. I figured I was already in this deep, so what the heck, and that’s when I realized I didn’t have a rubber. It didn’t matter how bad I was feeling, I definitely wasn’t risking this one but she had me covered. She reached into her pocket, pulled one out and said, ‘Don’t worry. Mama’s got your back.”
Well, we did the deed. I’m not proud of it to this day but for those couple minutes, all my problems were gone. I showered off and went to sleep the next day, I got myself checked out at a medical clinic just to be safe.”
The Dream Of The Eighties
“My Dad was a truck driver for 30 years. He once saw a toothless lot lizard chasing a young trucker across the parking lot, offering him $5 mouth action.
He thinks it was a prank but his description of her sure was funny. 80’s hair, pink lipstick, no teeth, no bra, flappin’ flip flops everywhere.”
A Terrible Deal
“Here are my few stories.
They typically work at night and upset drivers when they knock and wake you up. One morning, I woke up, but still laying in bed. She knocked again and I told her to go away.
I saw one get out of a truck and it looked like a man in drag. Dressed in leopard print spandex, high heels, and heavy makeup. She went to the truck stop and I exchange mortified looks with the cashier girls.
We were running a few caravan loads. One driver did not have the cash but had two bags of aluminum cans as payment. She accepted and they did their business.”
The One Armed Bandit
“There’s one that really stands out. But it wasn’t so much what she did, but what she looked like.
We (me and my partner) saw her in Georgia and she had ONE arm, implants (ridiculously large for her frame), was probably in the 60-65-year-old range, probably weighed about 100 pounds tops, her face and arms were covered in scabs, she had maybe three teeth in her head, and had a black eye. That girl was parading around like she owned the place and thought she was the hottest thing out there.
She never came up to our truck…but she seemed to stay pretty busy according to the people who worked there and a few of the other guys.”
Toothless And Fancy Free
“I used to work at a truck stop. And wow, do I got stories. Like, lot lizard experiences are probably the least exciting things I’ve seen.
Anyways, it was a Sunday night. We just got finished with the 11 pm Sunday rush. As I’m walking back into the store, a truck pulls up. I turn around, a little annoyed, and start fueling the guy up. He’s just shooting the bull with me and the truck starts rocking. I stop fueling and ask him if he can stop the truck shaking so I don’t spill.
The passenger side door opens up and this 60-year-old looking woman stumbles out to the ground below. Torn jeans, ripped, white cotton blouse, high heels, dyed blond hair, smudged trashy makeup and a dead fox wrapped around her neck. She joins us in the conversation.
I’m almost done filling the truck up when the trucker and the woman say they’re gonna go in and eat. He asks for a shower key ‘for the lady’ and I tell him to ask the cashier for it.
So she goes and showers, he follows her to pay and then follows her again to the shower. The store is a small store. The smut is next to the chocolate and the motor oil is on the same shelf as the beef jerky. About 5 minutes after they get in the shower you can hear her howling at the top of her lungs and he’s grunting like he’s starting a lawn mower that won’t start. Then you hear her shout, ‘Yeah. Yeah, that’s right! You go for my filthy hoo-ha!’ Like, the waitresses next door came over to find out what was going on. That’s how loud she shouted that line.
So they finish up and go next door to eat. About a half hour later, I see her come out and use the bathroom. He comes rushing out about a minute later and says ‘So long! Take care of ‘er for me. Tell her sorry for not smuggling her into the US. I’m not going to jail.’ He gets in his truck, throws her stuff out the door and he’s gone. I go out and pick her crap up off the ground and bring it to the counter.
She comes out about 10 minutes after she went in. She looks out the window and back to us and says ‘Aww. My ride left me. Such a sweet guy. Can I stay in here?’ I say no and inform her of the company’s policy. So she asks if she can stand outside until she finds a ride and I tell her that’ll be fine. She gets her stuff and goes out.
So 2 AM rolls around and she’s still out front. I go out to take care of the 2 AM rush. She follows me to the pumps and I tell her that she can’t be at the pumps for insurance reasons, plus she was really annoying. When the 2 AM rush is done, she asks me if I’ll take her for a ride to the US. I told her that I can’t because my shift isn’t done and she says, ‘Aww come on. I’ll give you a gummy or a grindy. Free of charge.’ And she pulls out the left half of her teeth, top, and bottom. I walk into the truck stop, laughing and struggling to breathe. Once I catch my breath, I tell everyone what just happened.
About a half hour later she found her ride. I never saw her again.”
As Hardcore As It Gets
“This is one of my go-to stories to disgust people. I am not a truck driver, but on a cross-country motorcycle trip, I used Flying J’s for their intended purpose as an oasis for weary travelers.
The lots for trucks are frequently just large unpaved lots across the street from the Flying J, so you find lots of deep tire divots from previous rainy days. I happened to be outside looking towards the trucks and I see this lot lizard jump out of a truck, where she had just performed her customary service, squatted over a divot that has muddy road water in it and proceeded to wash herself out by splashing water into her hoo-ha. Here’s the kicker: she finished her washing and then jumped into another truck.
That was some hardcore stuff, right there.”
The Streaker’s Legend Lives On
“Several years ago, I was sitting on party row at the Pilot in Oklahoma City, where at least eight girls were working the lot. I had my radio on listening to them when this one guy called one of the girls out by name. ‘You making any money tonight?’
‘Not really, too much competition.’
‘Where you at?’
‘By the highway.’
‘I’m back here in the corner. Got an offer for you.’
‘What’s that?’
‘I got $50 says you won’t walk the row naked as the day you were born.’
It got quiet for a minute, then…’You got a deal, sending someone that way.’
Next thing we know, this girl goes running through the parking lot with an extra set of clothes in hand.
‘Ok, girl, I got the money!’
Sure enough, here she comes, walking between 2 rows of between 30-35 trucks, not a single stitch on. And as she got to each truck they would turn their headlights on, and some would sound their horns. Before long, she started enjoying the attention and began twirling and strutting as she walked. By the time she got to the other end she was walking party row like it was a Paris runway.”
Causing Wrecks
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“Trucking lawyer here.
A few years back, some other lawyers in a firm I was with got involved in an insurance coverage dispute over whether or not the insurance company was going to compensate the claimant under the policy.
The facts were these:
A tractor-trailer jackknifed and rolled over at 3 AM on an open, flat, dry, West Texas interstate, with no other vehicle around for miles. Literally flat as a pancake; you could put the truck on cruise control, tie the steering wheel to a door handle, and sleep for half an hour before you left the road. And yet he jack-knifed.
The claimant was a passenger who had no business being in the truck. She had injuries consistent with being tumbled around the sleeper cab with no seatbelt on. As I recall, she was pretty screwed up. Also when the medics got there, she had no pants on.
It turns out the driver had picked up a lot lizard who decided to put on a little show in the sleeper cab for him. He must have had his head craned all the way around watching her ‘enjoy herself,’ because he basically cut hard left and flipped the truck over.
I can’t recall if she recovered or not.”
Well, This Is Embarrassing
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“So the context of this one is kind of interesting. I’m a long haul driver and my teammate used to be a diesel mechanic before he actually got behind a wheel. Sometime in the 80s at the shop where he was employed, he frequently got stuck with the job of chasing off the ladies of the evening.
So he spied a truck with this tramp climbing into the passenger side. He physically pulled the woman from the truck and said, ‘Get out of here, you nasty lot lizard!’
The driver tried to play it off like the woman was his wife. So my friend came back with, ‘Yeah, right. Let me see some ID.’
So the two reluctantly agree and he checks out their credentials.
… It was his wife.”
Full Moon Over The Truck Stop
“My worst one was at the Petro in Beaumont, Texas. A guy sees me sitting up front with the interior lit up and asks for a smoke. I oblige, then he asks if I want some company. I’m like, ‘With who?’ I told him to go away. He circles around my truck and comes back around the front, dropping his pants and flashing his butt. I cranked up and lurched forward towards him. I don’t mind when I give a no thanks and the solicitor, male or female, takes it and moves on, but showing your behind is downright disrespectful.”
He Was A She
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“Back in 2002, I decided I wanted to try driving a truck. About two months in, I stopped at a truck stop on the New Jersey Turnpike. I was asleep for a few hours when there was a knock on my passenger door. I woke up and went to the window to see a lady standing there. I rolled the window down to see what she wanted. She said hi and asked me if I was interested in having some company. It was at this point that I noticed the blonde in the sundress had a 5 o’clock shadow. I told her/him I was really not interested and I had to hit the road early and that I appreciated their kindness. She took a long drag off her smoke and strolled to the next truck.”
The Minivan Gave It Away
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“I had to use the bathroom at midnight, so my husband pulled over to a truck stop so I could pee and grab snacks. My husband was outside the gas station, leaning on a lamp post reading a map.
My husband is tall, with dark hair and eyes, and well built. I can see why a lot lizard could mistake him for a trucker.
A real trucker was next to me in the store. He and I just watched my husband try to tell a lot lizard he was gay and drives a minivan.
That was a great road trip.”
Hygiene Is Important
“I was about an hour South of Dallas at this nonchain stop with a Wendy’s. I’m walking back with my Dave’s double and fries when I see this fairly attractive woman knock on a truck door. She goes in, 10 minutes later comes out with a bottle of Sprite. Knocks on the next door, 10-15 minutes later hops out of that one. Before she goes for her third, she squats down and cleans herself with the Sprite.
This was at about 1 pm and I was driving midnight-noon. When my co-driver got back in I told him to lock the doors before I went to bed.
I had strange dreams that night. I saw the unicorn. The chupacabra. I’d seen an attractive lot lizard.”
He Had A Real Heart Of Gold
“I was a driver from 2004 – 2007. I never had anything to do with lot lizards, and honestly, the runs I did usually took me to places where they weren’t very common (you mostly find them at big stops on major interstate corridors). However, I did have one encounter that stuck with me.
For those that don’t know, there’s a huge truck stop on I-80 outside of Davenport, Iowa. It normally is pretty clean, and lot lizards weren’t something I saw much of there. In February of ’05, I rolled in there just ahead of a snowstorm that would be called a blizzard anywhere but the Great Plains. I HATE putting on chains, so I stopped early, got a personal pan pizza at the Pizza Hut, and settled in with movies and my iPod until morning.
At about 3 am, I was woken up by someone banging on the side of the truck. Since everyone from mechanics to DOT does this, you pretty much have to respond. You do not want to ignore state trooper. I went to the door, and it’s a lot lizard, wearing 6-inch heels, a mini-skirt about 8 inches long, a tube top about 4 inches wide, hoop earrings big enough to put a baseball through, and so much makeup it looks like she put on Lowe’s flat later #4.
She also looked about 13. And before the jokes, not in an, ‘Aw yeah,’ kind of way, in an ‘I am a victim of trafficking’ kind of way.
‘It’s cold, can I get into your truck to warm up,’ is one of the oldest lines in the book, and I had roundly cursed a number of ladies who had tried to use this one on me before. But this one…I wasn’t sure she wasn’t 13. It could have been that scrawny, addict look, but something about her didn’t seem that hardened. So I told her she could get in, but only to warm up – she had to take a blanket, and she had to stay in the passenger seat.
After about 10 minutes, it was pretty clear she wasn’t 13, but she wasn’t much older either. She was 16, her name was Molly, she had run away from home in Missouri (abusive stepfather, boyfriend in the Army, etc), and knew someone who made $800/night doing this. It was her first night and I was literally her first attempt at turning a trick. I thought that might be a line too at first, but as we kept talking, it became pretty clear she had no idea what she was doing.
After about two hours of talking, I got her to agree to go with me to the ministry in the truck stop. They had resources on combating trafficking and were able to get hold of the right people from the state to help her get home.
I had to leave that morning (not my truck, not my load, not my call on staying put), but I asked her to email me if she got home. She did. She still sends me updates now and then.”
Met With Tragedy
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“I’m not a trucker but my grandfather was. Back in the early 90’s, he stopped at a truck stop in Arkansas and a nasty witch of a lot lizard was trying to solicit him. He told her to get lost, so she stabbed him. He died in the parking lot from his stab wounds. She was caught a day later and she recently died in prison. I only have one memory of him from when I was very young.”
Stranded And Left
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“My dad was a trucker back in the day.
Long story short, he was on the lot at some crummy truck stop/bbq place crawling with lot lizards. Most of the usual suspects…fat, greasy, and/or dirty. But he saw one girl who looked different from the rest.
Feeling that something was off, he walked up to her and asked what was up. She said her name was Jenny and she had gotten left behind by the trucker she had been hitching with. The stop was in the middle of nowhere, so she was proper stranded. She asked if he would take her down the road in exchange for mouth action. He felt bad for her and would have done it without the offer, but was going the opposite way and couldn’t get off schedule. He always wondered what happened to that girl.”
A Zoo In The Backseat
“I was snowed in at the TA in Commerce City, CO when I was about six months into driving. Was sitting at the horse game and met a dude named Country. We hit it off pretty good and ended up buying a 6 pack and walking back to his Purple Cascadia to chat and drink. After a while, this cute girl came knocking. She was cold, so he let her climb in to warm up. We talked with her for a bit, she pet Country’s dog, held his python (these are not double entendres, he had a snake terrarium on the top bunk) then she used the CB to call out for Johns. We ended up dropping his trailer and express delivering her to clients so she didn’t have to walk in the snow. She was only wearing underwear, boots, and a leather coat. We quickly became known as the lot lizard express. After a few hours, he needed to get to bed so we had to leave. She called her pimp to ask if she could have a pet mouse. She wanted to save it from being the snake’s next meal. I don’t know his exact words, but I imagine it was something like, ‘Woman what the heck? No, you can’t keep a stupid mouse’ because she didn’t take it. Anyway, it was an interesting night for a newbie trucker.”
He Turned Her Down, So She Gave A Sermon
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“I’ve had a few skinny ones come around, but their faces looked like they belonged on a ‘faces of addiction’ billboard.
Then there was a pretty one that jumped into my truck, and when I told her to get the heck out, she went on a religious rant trying to convert me. I thought she might be a cop.
In California, you can see them wandering around late at night. Really, if you want to see some, park in the back and leave your red cab lights on. They will eventually come knocking, or just park in the back of every lot.”
High School Reunion
“I parked at a truck stop in my hometown and this girl I went to high-school with hopped up on my step and asks if I wanted some company.
I called her by her name, said no thanks, and asked her how things have been since school. It had been 3 years. She recognized me and ran away in shame.”