Everyone has accidents. Not everyone has accidents like these. Here are 31 people who have overcome their humiliation to share the dumbest (and funniest) ways they have hurt themselves.
Skate Slap
“Crashing on my skateboard miserably the first day I got it–but that’s not when I got hurt. I was on the ground freaking out, and realized I was fine and thought that was pretty lucky. I braced myself to get up on what I thought was the ground, and it was the end of my skateboard. It flew and hit me in the face successfully breaking my nose, blacking my eye, and leaving me a nasty bruise on my face. Awesome times.” Source
Piece of Cake
“Tried to bake a cake and got my thumb into the hand mixer because I was stupid and plugged it in without checking the on/off switch . Torn ligaments and capsule injury . Took 8 weeks of physical therapy to get that thumb moving again.” Source
Morphine, Please
“I threw my back out tossing a spoon into a sink. But here is the worst part, I was unemployed and living alone. It was the late 90s and my only phone was a wall mounted land line that was higher than I could reach as was the medicine cabinet. I laid on the floor for a day before I gathered up the courage to crawl out of my apartment and asked a neighbor for help. They were nice enough to take me to an ER where I got pumped full of muscle relaxers and pain killers.” Source
Just Stay Home
“1. Running laps backwards in gym class. Broke both wrists when I fell and bounced.
2. Was showing someone how I had previously broken my ribs. I smashed into someone while playing soccer and my right elbow got pushed into my ribs and broke a few. I was showing someone how it happened and I jammed my elbow into my ribs way too hard and cracked a few again.
3. Around thirty years ago when I was 16, we were sledding downhill in a cemetery in the winter. We had a jump set up near the bottom of a very steep part of the end of the trail. Maybe four fifths of the way down. No one was brave enough to hit it. So I did. I said ‘If I’m going to die. I’m going to do it good.’ I hit that jump and was catapulted into the air, through some pine trees and landed into a picker bushes. Broke 10 ribs along where they connect to my spine.” Source
Man Vs. Bouncy Castle
“College. Boxing incident. Inflatable boxing. Self-inflicted.
I was 19 years old, just moving into my sophomore year of college. I don’t remember why, but toward the end of the first week, they had a bunch of inflatable attractions on the main lawn, like a bouncy castle–that sort of thing. I met up with one of my friends from the previous year and challenged him to an inflatable boxing match.
For those who don’t know, inflatable boxing takes place in an inflatable ring, so it’s bouncy, but you also wear these giant inflatable gloves. So you can wail on each other with the gloves or fall down and just bounce right back–there’s theoretically no way you can get hurt.
As my friend and I were waiting in line, we started trash-talking. And then he brought my mother into it, so we were trash-talking each other’s moms. (It was pretty serious.) So when our turn came, the guy said, ‘Alright, climb in the ring and put on the gloves,’ and I knew I couldn’t just climb awkwardly into the ring. My mother’s honor was on the line! So I grabbed the rope and did this little front-flip into the ring.
Fast-forward about five minutes, because that’s the next thing I remember. Things are hazy, there are a few people staring at me, and I’ve got a red snow cone in my hand. I’m slowly piecing together where I am and what’s going on when I realize I have no idea who I am or why I’m there. I had total amnesia.
‘Keep that ice on your lip.’
I glanced up at the unfamiliar man next to me. That’s when I realized that the red snow cone was blood. I turn around and see that they’re mopping an inflatable boxing ring to get rid of blood.
I was too out of it to ask questions, but my friend filled me in later. I did a little front-flip into the bouncy ring. My feet hit the floor, but my face kept going, and somehow, my jaw collided with my knee. I was knocked out instantly. So my friend climbs into the ring to box me, and I’m on the ground bleeding and unconscious. I had teeth marks on my knee. Not my finest moment.
My memory slowly returned over the course of about 20 minutes, and I realized I didn’t want to be around those inflatable attractions any more, so I went back to my room and did some calculus homework. I was exhausted, but I knew I had to get my homework done first.
Next morning, my head is still pounding, so I go to the nurse’s office to go get checked out. The nurse stifled her laughter, and eventually determined that I had a concussion.
Here’s the kicker: when you get a concussion, you get really tired afterwards because your brain is having trouble functioning. If you go to sleep right after getting a concussion, there’s a good chance you could slip into a coma. So the next time some student is complaining about calculus homework and how he’s never going to use this crap, you can say, ‘Hey, I met this guy on Reddit, and calculus homework saved his life!’ Source
A Christmas Accident
“My mom and I were taking down Christmas lights outside. She used a staple gun for some of them and told me to go grab a butter knife from the kitchen. I grabbed a steak knife instead. I held the knife with both hands and it slipped and I sliced my forehead open. My mom just thought I was a complete dumba– and said ‘I told you to get a butter knife!!!’ I still have a scar.” Source
The Dog Did It
“Accidentally stepped into a rabbit burrow and sprained my ankle badly, but that was not the end of it. Dog got scared and tried to run and since I was still holding the leash he yanked my shoulder out while I was still stuck in the burrow. ” Source
Next Time Walk
“I was riding my bike when I was 12 and let go of the handlebars and stood up at the same time, and lost my balance. I fell over and when I sat back up and pulled myself off of my bike I looked down to see blood spreading across my shirt. The handlebar had gone into my stomach. It left a gaping hole right under/in my belly button.
Somehow it took 20 minutes for anyone to call 911 and cars just went around me as i laid in the street screaming. I laid down because i was afraid of my guts spilling out.
Lucky I was a pudgy kid, it went through my fat and muscle wall, just strands of muscle left to keep me from suffering internal organ damage. It was a long recovery and 10 years later I still have a scar.” Source
The Picture Adds So Much Context
“Forgot about this little drunken gem…
Halloween 2009, 20 years old and dressed as the Marlboro Man (the whole get-up, Levi jeans, cowboy hat, jean jacket lined with white wool, and red shirt.) Well, I end up at a party with my GF and start partaking in mass amounts of jungle juice. Said some stupid s–t, pissed off my GF and ended up at another party. I had some Coors Light with me and at the house I was at, I knew nobody. Well, turns out they were also drinking Coors Light and thought I stole their beer…I didn’t
They started pushing me around and I grabbed a Rubik’s Cube from their coffee table and started using it as a weapon. It was basically four bros kicking me and punching me, while I was frantically throwing punches with a Rubik’s Cube dressed as the Marlboro Man. Well, the bike cops show up and take pity on me being beaten, and they take me to the drunk tank (at this point I have no memory of this).
Wake up the next morning, and I see a guy dressed as a Robot, a ninja, two pirates sleeping on each other’s shoulders inside a small room. Instant confusion at this point…The only guy awake was the ninja and he saw my confusion and asks, “confused?”
Uh yeah, buddy, I am…He tells me that I’m in the drunk tank and I ask, ‘Are we still in Derp City?’ ‘Yes.’
Okay, finally some clarity.
They come in to let us out and the woman at the front desk, recognizes me and says that I was so nice to her and the officers last night. The cops didn’t charge me with underage drinking, didn’t run my name (I was on probation, at the time), and wanted to make sure the guys that beat me up didn’t come looking for me. All I got was a bruised face, a terrible hangover, and most importantly, a Rubik’s Cube that I still have today.
TLDR: I got jumped by a bunch of dudes for supposedly stealing their beer, while dressed as the Marlboro Man on Halloween and using a Rubik’s Cube to defend myself. Cops threw me in the drunk tank, and I woke up next to a ninja, a robot, and two pirates and I didn’t get charged with anything.” Source
Silver Car Surfer
“Summer, 1997. I’m walking through a mall parking lot when all of a sudden this Camaro comes zooming directly toward me and brakes just before running me down. Turns out it’s my roommate and a couple of his friends. He revs the engine at me.
Now, I have no idea what was going through my mind, but I immediately climbed onto the hood and held on.
He took off. Tires squealing as he roared through the parking lot, with me surfing on the hood. He took an abrupt turn, and physics turned out to be stronger than my grip on the hood. I went sailing off the hood, barely having time to register my flight before I impacted the asphalt… head-first.
I jumped up, shook my head comically, and laughed it off. We all went to the movie theatre to watch Scream. Now it’s here that my memory gets hazy for a couple hours — I remember barfing in the restroom at least once, and then again at the mall entrance later on, but I don’t remember a thing about the film itself. Still haven’t seen it to this day.
Turns out my head-first dive into the tarmac gave me a mild concussion. I didn’t go to the doctor, and I obviously didn’t die, but yeah.
TL;DR: went car-surfing, ended up with a concussion. Hurrrrr.”
Culinary Accident
“Trying to separate two frozen chicken nuggets with a knife…. ended up with the knife 1 cm deep in my right hand. Now I have a scar on my otherwise beautiful hand 🙁 Oddly enough, I felt next to zero pain. Just afterwards, whenever someone touched the wound or something” Source.
She Should Bubblewrap Herself
“I slipped on pineapple chunks at the pizzeria I used to work at and dislocated my elbow.
Went to work the next morning (hell no, I didn’t stay home- I couldn’t afford it, and besides, I earned twice as much with the pity-tips I was given while wearing the sling) and my coworkers were laughing their a–es off over the accident report.
Also, drunkenly dropped my phone on my bedroom floor in the dark and bent over the pick it up. Put ALL my weight into bending over, hit my face on a square bedpost. I knocked myself out- gave myself a concussion and whiplash, and half my face was black and blue for like two months.
…or that time I was riding in the bed of a pickup truck and the driver thought it would be funny to swerve all over the road, only I wasn’t holding on to anything, so my head just kind of bounced around and I crunched the cartilage in both my ears.
…or there was the time I cut my pinky off while carving a pumpkin.
…or the first day of kindergarten when I fell off of the top of a jungle gym and dislocated my hip.
Yeah, I guess I’ve just always been a freak accident waiting to happen.”
Charlie Brown Football
“When I was a kid at summer camp, we were about to play baseball. For whatever reason we didn’t have a baseball, but did have a football. Being dumb kids, we decided it would work just fine.
I was the first batter, and the first time I made contact with the ball, the bat couldn’t really swing through the football and ricocheted off and hit me in the head just over my right eye.
I needed 10 stitches.”
Worst Roommate Ever
“This story is appropriate but probably too late to be seen by anyone else. But I have a habit of cooking when I’m blacked out drunk which tends to do more damage than good. So after a night out drinking with my friends, I finally make it back to my place around 1-3 am. I don’t actually remember getting into my apartment. But from deductive reasoning and looking at all the clues the next morning, this is what I figured I did:
I got in and stripped down to my boxers(I have a roommate btw), went to the kitchen and put the oven on the highest temperature and turned on my apartments heater to the highest degree. I went to the couch, were I threw up, then went to the bathroom to take a shower. I left the water running as I go back to the kitchen and put a pizza in the oven. I must have passed out because the next morning on my coffee table was this black, charcoal disk resembling what appears to be really, really, really burned pizza. I mean you could knock someone the f–k out with this thing. The sad thing is, my dumb, drunk a– decided that this was still good to eat, because next to it was a plate with a mini slice cut out(sawed out really) and next to that a bent bread knife and forked with the [prongs all messed up. My mouth felt like I ate the remains of a camp fire for the rest of the day.
Oh and when I woke up the oven was still set at ON and 400-something degrees while my heaters was blasting. It was like waking up drunkenly in Africa.”
The Naked Man
“When I was a sophomore in college, I was taking Intaglio 1. I was an idiot and kept my tools loose in my book bag. I went to sit on my couch and pushed my leg up against my bag. My scraper cut through the bag and pierced my leg. It went about 3/4 of an inch into my leg. Blood starts gushing out of my leg. I freak out rip my pants off make a tourniquet out of an old t-shirt and call every pre-med I knew. An hour and a call to triage later, I stop the bleeding. My roommate comes home to find me half naked on our couch with a blood soaked t-shirt wrapped around my leg. He’s never laughed at me so hard.”
The Double Jump
“I was peeing off a second story roof and decided that the quickest way to get down was to jump off. Surprisingly, I didn’t get hurt, and the cops that I scared the s–t out of didn’t beat me to death.
The next weekend, one of my friends was on the roof, and decided he wanted to be cool like me, so he jumped off too.
He shattered both feet.
TL;DR: I transferred my drunken accident to someone else.”
Tell Me Who Hit You!
“I went ice skating a few years ago and, despite my clumsiness, managed to not fall at all. I was actually doing pretty well, and could skate backwards and everything. I was pretty proud of myself, until I got home and I slipped on some ice two feet from my door, whacked my head on the side of my house and fell to the ground. I had such severe bruising all over my body that I’m pretty sure the girl with the locker next to mine in gym thought I was an abuse victim.”Source
You Should See The Other Guy
“I wanted to put a box (crate? container?) of water on a high shelf. While doing this, one glass bottle fell out and hit me right on my left eyebrow – a nice cut and blood everywhere.
I still tell people the truth about the scar: A glass bottle hit me!
Sounds way cooler than the whole story!
_tl;dr: Got into a fight and got a bottle on the head.” _Source
I Have So Many More Questions
“When I was in fifth grade, I handcuffed myself to a swing, really got going, and jumped off as I reached maximum height.
The other kids were doing it, but they apparently weren’t really swinging much when they did it.” Source
Karma Is Quick
“I was running from the police one night when I was kid after egging houses with some friends and I turned around to see how far the cops were from me and I noticed I pretty much had gotten away from them and yell ‘Sucks to be fat and old!’. Then I turn my head back forward to see a low hanging branch for about a split second, woke up in the hospital with a broken nose and a police record” Source.
I Would Lie
“I was having a towel-whipping fight with my friends and I fell wrong while trying to avoid getting hit, on to my arm. And that’s how I managed to break my wrist.
Oh, and I have a Y-shaped scar on my chin from splitting it open in the side of a coffee table when I was one and half.
As you can tell, I’m quite graceful.” Source
He Lost That Round
“I was playing charades at a friends house and got way too excited when I got ‘YMCA’, punched a ceiling fan” Source.
What An Inattentive Partner
‘I knocked myself out on a windowsill while getting some, uh, special attention. Whilst finishing, I fell over and knocked myself unconscious by smashing my face on a windowsill’ Source.
Wow
“Story Time:
So, at our school we had this teacher everyone hated. He was a class A prick. Always yelling, making girl students in his class cry, etc.
Flash forward to middle of junior year on a Friday night…
Me and my friends had just finished a delicious pizza. It was about 8 o’clock and we were pitching ideas for things to do next. One of the people in our group had a stupid suggestion that we all thought was genius at the time.
‘Hey, you guys know that a–hole teacher Mr. Smith (name censored). Let’s TP his house!’
‘Dude are you f–king retarded! None of us know where he lives and knowing him he’d probably shoot us for trespassing.’
‘Bro, I know where he lives, he right on the corner of Willow! Let’s do this!’…
He managed to convince us all to do it. So we went to Party Works and bought a few giant rolls of Pink and Purple streamers. We used those instead of TP. Later, at midnight, we all met in a parking lot near his house. We proceeded to talk strategy, and then when the street lights clicked off, we started sneaking toward his house.
About halfway through our giant roll of streamers, we had created a masterpiece. His house looked like a pretty princess fairytale castle. There was pink and purple EVERYWHERE…
Suddenly, his door opens. Someone screams, ‘RUUUUUNNNN!!!’ and we start sprinting toward our cars at mach 5… but… I didn’t make it to the cars. I ran into a streetlight, a big metal pole. It knocked me out, gave me one hell of a concussion and split my head open.
HERE’S WHERE S–T GETS REAL.
Mr. Smith drove my unconscious bleeding body to the ER after I TP’d his house. Turns out he’s not all that bad. He didn’t press charges or even yell at me for turning his house pink and purple upon regaining consciousness. He didn’t even tell my parents (My parents had been called to the ER).
So I was sitting there, feeling like a total a–hole.
I wound up helping Mr. Smith clean up the mess me and my friends had made, and mow we’re pretty tight on campus.
tl;dr I TPd a teachers house then ran into a pole, knocking myself unconscious. The teacher then proceeded to drive me to the ER” Source. __
The Rock Part Is Killing Me
‘I sneezed and cracked a rib. To explain for some people, I had some serious congestion and it hurt every time I sneezed. We were camping so it was cold, which made the congestion tighter. I kept holding my sneezes in, like the stifling controlling sneeze, but it was so unsatisfying. I decided to let the next one out with a vengeance. I let it out and it was the most satisfying, painful thing I have experienced. It hurt to breathe for a few weeks, but the doctor said there’s really nothing they can do.
Also, 5 year old me was in our backyard and wanted to throw a big rock in the air (10 lbs.) My brother said it would come back down and hit my head. I said ‘F–k the Police!’ (not really) and threw it into the air. I woke up in the hospital with 15 stitches and my brother saying ‘I told you so.” Source
His Cat May Hate Him
“I was sitting on the couch just watching telly. My laptop is closed and resting half on the coffee table with a bit of overhang off the side of the table. I’ve got the telly remote resting on the far side of the laptop. My cat strolls in the room so I call his name to get him to come over. He gets excited and leaps towards me. He lands on the bit of the laptop that’s over the edge of the table, causing it to fall off, mashing my hand in the process. I recoil my hand quickly, which makes the cat (now landing on my lap) freak out and land claws first into my crotch. I twist forward naturally to get the cat off me without hurting him, and catch the remote (which had been launched into a parabolic arc by the laptop) square in the eye. Within maybe one second I had a busted open hand, cuts on my upper thighs, a black eye, and a bad case of shell shock.”Source
Dude, Just Buy A Candle
“Freshmen year in college I was pretty excited that I was living on my own, with my own credit card, and my own mailing address. I could buy anything that I wanted online!
At one point I bought magnesium ribbon because I knew it looked sweet if you burned it. So for like 10 bucks I ordered a few meters of it, then I proceeded to burn it in my room with the lights off because it looked freakin’ awesome.
I was super careful with it not to burn anything. I did it all over a metal cookie sheet in my dorm room. I also had to be careful where I was, no one could see what I was doing because I would get yelled at, fire hazard and all. So I closed all the doors, all the windows, I even put a towel under the door so no one saw the bright light. I literally sealed myself into a small isolated room, and then sat there burning metal for like 15 minutes. Eventually I left to go to class, but I noticed I wasn’t feeling well when I got there.
Yea… turns out breathing metal fumes in a closed room is not good for your lungs. It’s actually really, really bad. I gave myself Metal Fume Fever ?_?
I was sick like a dog for two days. It was hard to breathe, I had snot coming out of me like a faucet, I was throwing up, and I even had uncontrolled muscle spasms at one point. Only after I recovered did I realize my sickness was related to the magnesium burning, I was a premed student and the next semester we actually learned about it in one of my classes. Turns out I could have died if I stayed in that room too long before getting fresh air. Whoopies…
TL;DR: Burned some metal that I bought online, almost died.” Source
Nip It
“Not so much funny, as stupid, but: When I was about ten, I was at a friend’s house, and we were swimming in his above-ground pool. Being ten-year-olds, we decide that jumping into the pool from the shallow rim around the top was a bright idea. On the first try, he jumped in fine, but I slipped backwards, and fell. I hit my chin on the rim of the pool, and cut my chest open on one of the decorative rocks they had surrounding the pool. Bam–lots of blood. I went to the emergency room to get twenty-three stitches. And because of the location of the injury, my right nipple is split in two.
TI have three nipples because I fell off a pool. Here is proof” Source
Dancing Injury
“I dislocated my knee by doing the Time Warp. My knee didn’t want to pull in tight and decided that it instead wanted to stop being in my socket entirely.
I was doing it for a History project. Each group had to give a presentation on a specific decade, and my group got the 2000’s. We started doing popular dances from the decade and, between recordings, I told them that I only knew one dance. They had surprisingly never heard of the Time Warp, so I tried failed to demonstrate” Source.
It Was To Prove A Point!
“This was several years ago. I was at work as a cook in a small bistro style restaurant. We had just just received a few boxes of avocados that needed to ripen and were hard as rocks. We had no other avocados in the restaurant.
I went to explain to my boss that nothing with avocados would be available until tomorrow at the earliest. He argued with me saying that I should try using them anyway. We argued for a few minutes until, in what I thought would be a great demonstration of how hard these avocados were, I grabbed one of the avocados in the palm of my hand and stabbed it with a knife.
The knife went straight through. I’m extremely lucky to have missed the palm of my hand and instead ended up wedging the knife between my fingers. Needless to say I had a pretty deep cut on my finger and still have a scar to prove my idiocy.” Source
Zippers Are Dangerous
‘When I was around 3 I was wearing awesome feetie pajamas. They depicted a motorcycle and a wide array of Looney Tunes riding their motorcycles along side me. I was hot shit. Unfortunately, I must have ran out of diapers and was going commando underneath my Looney threads. Next thing I remember I’m in the ambulance and the ambulance drivers are laughing at me, wrapping my mini dick in a mini dick-cast. My parents felt bad for me and took me to Burger King. I remember no pain and my dick healed fine from the tragic zipper accident.’ Source