Going to the doctor may seem like serious business, but even the most professional people in the medical field can have a sense of humor. From corny one-liners to witty comebacks, these patients were quite surprised at the hilarious lines their doctors told them.
All The Better To Hear You With.
“This happened to my dad, not to me.
He had skin cancer on his lower eyelid, and when the cancer was removed, a lot of skin went with it. The doctor used some skin from behind his ear to fill it back in.
The doctor told him, ‘When this heals up, you’re going to be able to hear a lot better with this eye.'”
Righttt…
“Years ago, I went to my doctor for low libido. My husband at the time and I had sex about once a week and that’s the most I could possibly do.
My husband wanted a lot more and told me that his friend said that he and his wife would have crazy sex several times a day.
My doctor said not a word but took out his pen, ripped off a bit of the paper covering the exam table, and wrote two words on it. He then handed it to me.
‘Men lie.'”
It’s Confirmed!
“I was showing an erect abdomen X ray film to a visiting consultant.
The patient was a local politician who had presented with lower abdominal pain and constipation
The X ray was unremarkable apart from the an extraordinary amount of faeces /faecal aggregation obvious in his distal colon.
‘Well he is just full of… well, it is something I have always said about politicians,’ he mused, ‘but I never expected to see it confirmed by an Xray!'”
Lesson Learned.
“I was in a motorcycle accident. After a week in the hospital, I was released with instructions to follow up with the 2 doctors that worked on me in the ER and my primary care physician.
So, with my neck brace, right arm wrapped and stitched up in a sling, ribs wrapped up and top of my head wrapped up, I went to my doctor. When I was called back for my appointment, he took one look at me and said, ‘Did you piss off the old lady?’ I replied, ‘Yeah, but I won’t make that mistake again.’ We both laughed and then I cringed because laughing hurt my 2 broken ribs.”
Umm, Creepy.
“I have three, each from the same physician.
My first visit to this doctor was for a full physical, which meant it was time for the dreaded prostate test. As he stretches a latex glove over his ginormous fingers, he looks at me with a creep look and says, ‘This is going to hurt you way more than it will hurt me.’
One year later, same doc, he says, ‘Let’s play a little game. Do you know Bend over, red rover?’
Finally, on my last visit a couple of months ago, he puts on a latex glove and slowly spreads jelly on his finger, looks at me with that same creepy look and says, ‘I think you’ll like this, it’s raspberry flavored.'”
He Got “The Look.”
“My ex-girlfriend and I with some friends had a small boat party. At some point, we snuck off to the front and decided that we it would be cool to have sex out there, with the sea spray, the night sky, etc., etc.
A small fish hook got stuck deep in the flesh of her naked bum. There was so much blood.
We went ashore, went to ER and she got stitched up.
‘Good catch,’ says the doctor to me.
Ex-girlfriend was not amused. She just gave me that look.”
All About The Timing.
“Sort of a reverse answer for you, but I was seeing my family physician, who was getting me ready for the, ‘One finger hand shake,’ (digital prostate exam).
I looked at his lab coat and said, ‘Calvin T. Simmons, MD. What’s the T stand for?’
Dr. Simmons said, ‘Uhhh… Theodore. Why?’
‘Well,’ I said, ‘I figured if we are about to become intimate, I suppose I should know your middle name!’
My timing could have been better, though. He had his finger ‘up there’ when he started laughing. Hard.
Really hard.
It turned out to be the most complete digital exam I’ve ever had!”
Hot For Doctor.
“To set the mood:
-Fort Sam Houston, 1990.
-I’m 18 years old, in training to become a medic.
-Doctor is an attractive female, and she had to be in her first year attending or still training.
One of the classes we received was how to self check your testicles for any abnormalities. I paid attention because my testicles are pretty important to me. Well, there was a vein going to the left one that was as big around as a husky pencil. I’m pretty familiar with the twins and let me tell you, this was something new. The next day I took my instructor aside and explained what I had discovered. His response of – ‘Oh damn! You better go see a doctor!’ was all I had to hear. The next morning, I went right to ‘sick call.’
When you sign in, there is just one line to write on. You put your name, time in, and a little space for a brief description. I wasn’t sure what to write, and kind of embarrassed, so I kind of whispered to the guy what my problem was. He was like, ‘Okay, I’ll take care of it.’ Guess what he wrote? ‘Huge vein- L testicle.’ Gee thanks! I could have come up with something better than that.
I sit and wait. They call me back. Tell me to strip down to my shorts. I’m sitting there, in my little tightie-whities, except they are Army issued brown. And suddenly there is a knock and the door swings open. 4 doctors walk in. One is this very young , very attractive female in a lab coat over. I mean she was hot. If I had seen her in a club, I would have definitely asked her to dance. One doctor says to her, ‘Go ahead,’ and he motions to me. Everyone got a chuckle as she stepped up to me and said-
‘Now let me see that giant vein.’
Well, everyone but me. I wanted to crawl under the table I had been sitting on. I did get her back though.
A few minutes later as she was cupping my left nut and asking a series of questions, she asked-
‘Does it hurt when you ejaculate?’
It was her turn to turn bright red when I replied-
‘No ma’am, it feels pretty good.’
Of course, the three other doctors began to chuckle again. I’ll bet she heard about that exam for quite a while.”
BURN!
“I had a patient with whom I had a billing dispute refer to me as a horse doctor. In a split second, it just came to me: ‘No, I’m not a veterinarian; perhaps you are confusing me with my father. I think he once treated your mother.'”
Impossible To Decipher.
“I was working in the ER and was trying to decipher a handwritten note from one of the ER doctor’s. When I couldn’t make it out, I asked the doctor himself what it said. He looked at the note for a few seconds and said, ‘Hell, I can’t read my own writing. Take this over to the pharmacy. They should be able to help.'”
Mmmm…
“Went to my doc to have a couple skin spots cut out. He sealed up the resulting wounds with an electrocautery device, but warned me beforehand: ‘You’re gonna smell steak cookin’.’
He was right. And I walked out of his office hungry.”
Thanks Doc.
“A doctor was describing a particularly involved biopsy he was going to do to me. I’m pretty stoic when it comes to these things, but this sounded like torture. Somewhat nervously I asked, ‘Will this be painful?’ He looked surprised and replied, ‘Not to me.'”
Kitty Loggins.
“I was in to get some test results for my cat, Kitty Loggins, and the vet walked into the room with the charts, looked them over quickly and said, ‘Well, looks like he’s out of the danger zone.'”
Got Ya!
“About 6 months after having a coronary bypass, I kept up with the exercise regime set for me, and had to have a check up (stress test) at the 6 month interval to see how things were going. The doctor and nurse were both young and pretty. I was on the exercise bike, which they kept loading up and loading up, trying to get my heart rate to the maximum allowable for my age and condition. ‘It’s still not going up,’ says the doc, ‘What shall we do?’ The nurse answered, ‘We could try taking our clothes off?’ The doctor thought for a while, whilst I pedaled on, then said, ‘No need, that’s done it…’ Damn! I don’t think I was the first they had tried this on…”
Words To Live By.
“I was diagnosed with a condition that left me paralyzed from the waist down. As we were discussing prognosis, treatment, etc. Here was his advice:
‘Never trust a fart, never pass a bathroom and never, never waste a hard on.'”
No BS.
“I was sitting in the exam room, waiting for my orthopedic surgeon to come and take out the stitches from my hand. He was the best OS in the region. As I sat there on the bed, I could hear him in the adjacent room, attending to another patient.
The fellow was complaining about something or another, and the OS, in his usual non-committal manner was just saying, ‘Okay’ to every dart thrown at him.
And with each insincere ‘Okay,’ the patient’s frustration heightened. Finally, seeing that he was not getting any fuel for his burning fire, he then blurted out,
‘You have terrible bedside manner, you don’t even talk to me!’
To which the OS, without as much as one decibel increase in his voice, calmly replied,
‘I am an Orthopedic Surgeon, and a very good one. If you wanted conversation you should have gone to a psychiatrist.’
I had to bury my head in the pillow to stifle my laugh.”
Telling Dad Jokes… To A Dad.
“I broke my ankle quite severely in an Army parachute training jump. I had an excellent surgeon. One bone plate, 6 short screws attaching the plate to the fibula, 1 long screw holding both bones together, pins and wire holding the talar dome together, and a ligament graft later, my dad came down to see me in the hospital. He was in the room when my surgeon came in, so I introduced him. My doctor said, ‘I’m Dr. (X). I screwed your daughter. I’ll unscrew her later.’
Thought I’d die of embarrassment.”
Wait! Nooooo…
“Not my physician, but my anesthetist just as I was drifting off before surgery. The last words I heard as I succumbed to the general anesthetic were,
‘Don’t worry Mr. Doe, we’ll have that testicle off in no time.’
The surgery was on my wrist.”
He’ll Be Back.
“I had a lump in my foot. After some tests, my Podiatrist came in to the room with the news: ‘It’s not a tu-mor!’ (reference to Arnold in ‘Kindergarten Cop’).
As I laughed, he said, ‘Sorry, I’ve always wanted to say that!’
To be fair, my Doc then proceeded to explain, in very doctorally fashion, what my diagnosis was.”
Couldn’t Stop Laughing.
“A lady was very upset with something. She also had a sore throat. When I asked her to open her mouth so I could see her throat, she opened her mouth and tilted her head all the way back.
I said to her: ‘I will have to get up to the ceiling to be able to see your throat!’
She could not stop laughing.
Here is a one liner from a patient of mine who had emphysema:
When I asked him if he still smoked, he said: ‘Doc, I don’t smoke any more (….pause), but I don’t smoke any less.'”
Getting Called Out.
“I adore my family doc. Like, friggin’ adore the guy. He’s awesome in so many ways, and is the perfect doc for this patient.
We like to get down to business fast, and he’s good at laying out the facts without being a cold douche. I’ve seen him through some head problems, some blood pressure problems, post birth complications, and with my kid. He rocks, every time.
One day, I was madly sleep deprived and full of self-pity. After a grueling visit about blood pressure issues, I lay it on him that Poor Me has a wunny wunny nose and can’t stop coughing pathetic misery face.
I got the eyebrow, and a dead pan, ‘Mel. It’s a cold.’
I had to laugh. I love getting called out on my s–t.”
Wasn’t Expecting That!
“About 23 years ago I visited my gynecologist because of some minor cramping and an unusual period that was mainly just spotting. He suspected an ovarian cyst and scheduled an ultrasound.
During the ultrasound, the tech left the room and returned with my doctor. I was getting a little worried as my doctor continued the ultrasound. I was getting ready to ask him if there was a problem when he said, ‘Hmmm.’ I asked what ‘hmmm’ meant. He replied, ‘Well, it seems that your cyst has a heartbeat!’ About 8 months later, my youngest daughter arrived.”
Real Nice Of Him.
“I get trigger point injections twice a month from a pain doctor. He’s pretty busy, because Americans are always experiencing a good deal of pain of one kind or another.
He gives me the injections in the back, four on each side. They hurt a lot, but they’re worth it. I’ve seen this doctor often over the last several months, and me being me, I’d expect him to remember me.
I mean, he doesn’t have to invite me to his daughter’s wedding, but he should at least say, ‘Hey! How ya’ doing? Been a couple of weeks, hasn’t it?’
Instead, one day he comes in the room, awaiting punishment for being human, and he starts asking me a bunch of questions, indicating he can’t remember me.
I called him on it. Since I have to turn my back, pull up my top, and let down the waist of my pants for him to shoot me in the right spots, I told him I was flummoxed that he didn’t remember me better.
‘What, you don’t recognize women with their clothes on?’ I asked him.
‘You said it, not me,’ he said.
Ha, ha. Funny, doc.”
Oh That’s Why.
“I was listening to the conversation between an internist and a cardiologist regarding a patient the internist wanted to refer to the cardiologist. He said, ‘She is 87 years old, never been to see a doctor or been in a hospital.’ Without missing a beat the cardiologist quipped, ‘Well, that explains why she is 87 and still alive!’
Ba-Dum Tshh
“I had a great GP years ago and he had a great sense of humor. One of the best things he said was, ‘Tell your husband denial is only a river in Egypt.’ This was when I told him that hubby was not convinced that I was pregnant and he maintained that the line was not bright enough on the pregnancy test stick!
Another one he told me when I asked him if my 7 month old child needed medication for cold. ‘You can medicate the child for cold and he will be fine in a week, or you can continue to just breastfeed him and he will be fine in seven days, your choice.’
Ah… I miss him!”
Waiting 45 Years.
“When I was 10-years-old, I had one of those joke books filled with jokes that young boys love. I read it several times and remembered many of them.
In my mid-50s…some 45 years later…I fell off my bicycle and injured my thumb. I had to go to the hospital and have it set.
The doctor put it in a splint and wrapped it up.
I was really worried. ‘Doc,’ I said, ‘will I be able to play the piano when it’s healed?’
‘Sure,’ he said. ‘No problem.’
‘Good!’ I replied. ‘I’ve always wanted to play the piano!’
He laughed, so I used it on the next doctor to look at me too. 45 years I had been waiting to use that joke!”
It Works.
“I was in the waiting room, next to be seen. My doctor came out of one room, finishing up with that patient. The patient came out with a bunch of kids, some screaming, one wrapped around her leg and a belly indicating she was close to delivering another one. My doc called me in to the next room, closed the door and stated, ‘That’s my walking advertisement for birth control.'”