That’ll Boost Company Morale
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“I was at an office Christmas party where we were sent a stern letter saying if we dared to not stay an extra hour to make up for the time we spent at the party or didn’t use PTO, we would be at risk for being fired.
Oh ya, then the budget was cut to $50 and everyone was told to bring their own food. Yay company morale!”
That’s What We Call Harassment
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“I didn’t witness this one but heard that this happened just a few months before I was hired. We had a tasting for the managers with just some cheese, minor hors d’ouvres, etc. One particular manager got completely sloshed and got super flirty with another manager from a different department who was significantly younger and good looking.
At some point, this young lady put some scented lotion on her hands. Smelling this, the wasted manager came over to her and pulled his junk out and asked her to put some lotion on there too. Right in the middle of the room and tasting.
I heard he was gone instantly. He was recently found out to currently be a tour guide on a duck boat and a bad one at that.”
“The Memory Is Still Disgusting”
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“At a Cinco de Mayo party, there were about 22 work colleagues in a pretty small condo, maybe 1,200 square feet. Most of these people were friendly but I was pretty new and immediately started drinking.
While I was outside grilling meat on the balcony, my deaf coworker who is Mexican was preparing an authentic meal complete with freshly fried tortilla chips.
Another employee just had to get into the kitchen and help even though the deaf friend had asked for space.
I came inside to deliver some meat and grab another drink when I heard the most horrendous scream one could hear.
The deaf guy turned around and the other employee was right behind him, he dropped the head of lettuce he was holding which in turn hit the handle of the pot with the frying vegetable oil, which then spilled down the other employee’s legs, melting that person’s leggings into the skin.
The memory is still disgusting.”
Great Way To Ring In The Holidays
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“I was working at a crappy company a long time ago in December, and we found out suddenly that our whole division was getting laid off days before it happened.
Most of us knew it was happening a day before the year-end party which would be our last working day before the holidays and then we wouldn’t be coming back. We are all bummed, so our manager came in with a Christmas cake. He was going to be laid off too. He said: ‘So, at least we should have a cake to celebrate the season?’ We all kind of agreed; with broken spirits. But he didn’t have plates or spoons or knives or even napkins.
We all just had to scoop out a bit of cake with our hands, and just eat it. All the while, a cloud of sadness hanging over us. Was quite depressing.”
He Won’t Be Back On Tuesday
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“We had a Memorial Day party and invited a bunch of friends, neighbors, and my husband’s employees over. One of his employees, relatively new but very promising and seemingly stable (married, great background, personable) started drinking a bottle of Pinot like it was water.
I had a 2-year-old at the time, so when I put that monster to bed as the party was winding down (and coupled with my own consumption) I crashed. I woke up in the morning to a living room with pink-stained carpeting, sofa and — incredibly — window blinds. In getting the story from my husband, at one point he had to wade into to vomit-fest and turn his employee onto his side because the guy was on his back, vomiting straight up, Exorcist-style.
The remaining party-goers (including an NHL player and his wife, I wish I were kidding about this because it’s mortifying that I slept through it) threw him into the shower, cleaned him up, and sent him on his way with borrowed clothing and a trash bag of his own vomit-covered attire. Someone dumped soda water and an entire box of baking soda on the mess and everyone dispersed.
The aftermath? $300 for emergency carpet/furniture cleaning on Memorial Day, a personal check and an apology note from the employee, and the quiet destruction of his career at that particular company.”
So That’s What Goes Down At The Nursing Home
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“I worked at a Polish retirement home and the annual Christmas party was held in the resident’s party room.
Every year, there would be approximately 30 late 40s/early 50s Polish women pounding back the hard stuff like they shouldn’t have been alive afterwards.
That wasn’t even the most insane thing we saw each year. At least a few people would always pass out, and some of them competed to get the attention of the one and only male – the crazy maintenance man, and at least one person always ended up crying.
The following happened at one party:
Nurses got wasted.
Maintenance dude got wasted.
Nurses had him sit with them at one of the tables.
They played some weird drinking game as best I could tell.
They would make out with him, then take a shot after.
Then they would all cheer.
Eventually, I heard chanting and looked over. One of the girls was on her knees, and I’m quite sure she was blowing him. The chanting started to sound more like yelling. I looked closer and she didn’t seem to be moving.
One of the other women was moving to, I wasn’t sure, help the other one suck him off?
Nope, she grabbed the girl under the shoulders and pulled her off the guy and I heard horrible coughing and the girl landed on her back.
The guys started muttering something about how he almost killed her. He was balling.
The woman was on the floor and coughing but one of the other ‘nurses’ tried to give her mouth to mouth.
I think the head giver passed out sucking the guy and choked but was out so cold she was just going to die. Someone tried to perform CPR on the now conscious woman but she didn’t want it, so they started fighting/wrestling on the ground and the chanting started again.
The guy was still crying but now he was standing over them yelling ‘don’t fight over me.’
This was all during the day, and there were other workers on shift because the place doesn’t shut down for the party. In burst a couple of sober nurses to help. Someone had radioed them for help because of the person choking. They burst in and yelled ‘what’s going on?’ and then the dude turned around and faced them with his junk hanging out, and both screamed and ran out of the room.
Good times!”
It’s Never A Good Idea To Show Up In Blackface
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“We had a Mardi Gras themed holiday party. One guy decided to bring his saxophone and be a ‘jazz man.’ Normal enough, right?
Well, he also thought that to be a jazz man, he needed to show up in blackface. Luckily, this is rural Wisconsin and no one at the company was black so we all just got really really wasted and told him he was an idiot.”
He Lost A Wife And A Secretary Somewhere Along The Way
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“Well, it all started at the company Christmas party a few years ago. At the time, the secretary was a friend of the boss’s now ex-wife. Both of the gals were attractive with decent bodies. In any case, things started to get a little wild at the office with all of the drinking and festivities, and a bunch of us eventually found ourselves at the local gentleman’s club along with the boss, his wife, and the secretary.
It didn’t take too long for the wife and secretary to make it to a stage and dance around with one of the dancers, and ultimately both had their tops off and were fully exposed for all the employees to see. By the look on my boss’s face, I knew right then that his marriage was in trouble and the secretary’s days were numbered. The divorce and personnel change didn’t take very long after that. Fun night.”
In The Doghouse
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“My girlfriend and I threw a BBQ. Pretty typical potluck affair. We invited some friends and co-workers.
My girlfriend is scared of dogs. It’s a phobia. Everyone we invited knows this, but we took the extra step of stating on the invite to not bring any dogs. Even if she wasn’t scared of them, my backyard isn’t gigantic and it would be crowded enough without dogs there.
After the party was well underway, someone I don’t recognize opens up the gate and asks loudly ‘Who likes dogs?’ It was one of my GF’s coworkers. This guy was well informed of the no dogs rule before the BBQ, not only through the Facebook invite but also in person. My girlfriend works in a small office (nine people), so her dog phobia is well known.
It turns out this guy had decided to stop by the party on the way home from the dog park and brought along his two Dobermans. This is despite the fact that he asked her on Friday if he could bring the dogs and she said no.
The very first thing he asked was if he could bring them inside. I told him absolutely not, but he could tie them to a tree in the grassy area behind the fence if he wanted. He seemed taken aback by this, which astounded me.
He pouted about the dogs not being in the yard and kept barking at them to be quiet the entire time he was there. Slowly, he snuck one into the yard while I was in the house. One of my girlfriend’s friends gave him an earful for it, then he left in a huff five minutes later. The party got significantly better after that.”
Still A Legend To This Day
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“Used to work for a big bank. We had a little potluck for Christmas, and long story short about two hours later, someone pooped in the bathroom and smeared it literally, and I mean literally, all over the bathroom stalls. The wall, the stall door handle, the toilet sensor, everywhere. It looked like an XXL Hershey bar stepped on an IED.
We never did quite catch the elusive poop handle bandit. Legend says he’s still out there, ravaging the latrines of financial institutions to this day.”
That’ll Do It
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“I worked at Nintendo of America, in Redmond, Wash. The Christmas party was always a suit-and-tie affair at a swanky downtown hotel. Two employees would dress up as Mr. and Mrs. Claus, and you could get a photo taken with them.
My co-worker, Chuck, is a psychopath with a limp mohawk. He has tattoos up and down each arm and rides a motorcycle. He’s also the son of a local car dealer magnate, so he’s got a bit of the spoiled rich kid attitude that he can get away with anything.
Chuck and I worked in the Nintendo call center, where we told people how to beat video games all day long. It’s was one of the few jobs where they give you a game system at your desk and ask you to play while you work.
Back to the Christmas party; Chuck was hammered, despite the drinks being doled out at the rate of two tickets per person. When he got to the photo opportunity with Mr. and Mrs. Claus, he stood face to face with Mrs. Claus (back to the camera), swaying slightly, then dropped to his knees, stuck his head under her skirt and yelled, ‘Take the picture!’
He was walked off company property by a security guard the next day.”
He Didn’t Want To Get Caught Up In Anything Like That Again
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“I was working for a large Canadian telecom company about six years ago. Our office was downtown in a major city, and we liked to go for drinks or food after work.
One night, I ended up with a group that included three of my bosses, a new assistant, and two colleagues who had the same position as myself. After hours of clubbing, we realized the last busses were gone and it was cold out. The girls were wearing dresses, the guys suits. Not the best attire for Canadian winters at night.
One of the managers suggested we go back to our office and keep the party going. I was pretty wasted, so I laid down on one of the lobby couches when we arrived at the office and fell asleep. I was woken up shorty by a sobbing receptionist. She had started dating one of the managers and came by the office because a friend of hers told her he was still there. I looked up to see what she was so upset about. And right through the floor-to-ceiling glass walls are two of the managers (one of which was her boyfriend) double teaming the new assistant on the conference table. Literally ON the table, in full sight of us. I did the only appropriate thing, went right back to sleep.
I left in the morning before the staff came in and never went back. I stopped answering my phone and emails and found another job. I didn’t want to get caught up in the impending human resources disaster that was left in that office.”
Maybe the Chicken Wasn’t The Best Idea
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“I had the misfortune of attending a work Christmas party where we were fed some ‘banquet spiced chicken’ (if you’ve ever been to any catered conference ever, you know what I’m talking about) which wasn’t cooked all the way through and nearly immediately made me ill.
This would have been fine if we weren’t forced to watch a corporate video for 45 minutes. I was at the front, and there was a weird ‘you probably shouldn’t leave right now’ energy.
My stomach sounded like Bobby McFerrin singing underwater.”
So That’s What Put An End To The Office Parties
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“At my old job, we used to drink at about 4 or 5 o’clock every Friday. It was a very laid back office. We’d often have parties while still at the office. Many of the people had minifridges with an assortment of beverages in them, and they even made a mini bar with wheels that was pretty well stocked. It was an awesome place to work if you like to party. This was an engineering firm with about 500 total employees (rough guess I have no idea) and four offices. Mine was the only one laid back though and we had about 200 of the employees located there.
We were having a party and this lady ended up drinking too much and couldn’t drive home and she said she just wanted to sleep there. We tried to offer her a ride but she refused, talked to her for a while, and just figured ok, well we’ll leave her then, she seemed trustworthy enough that she wouldn’t try to drive or anything.
So I came in Monday morning to hear what happened on Saturday. Apparently, one of the office managers came in the next morning and smelled puke pretty soon after he walked into the office. Traced the smell to her desk where it was all over the desk, the keyboard, and the floor.
He then followed the smell, and perhaps bits of puke, to the women’s bathroom to find her passed out on the floor. Very limited office parties after that and no more drinking on Fridays.”
When Going To McDonald’s Is The Highlight Of The Day
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“I went to a Canada Day 2014 celebration at the Ambassador’s residence in Vienna, Austria. I was an intern at the Canadian embassy at the time and was curious to see what it’s like celebrating your national holiday abroad. For most Canadians, Canada Day is about wearing summer clothing (preferably red/white), having a BBQ/pool party, hanging with friends and chatting about fun things like summer plans, before ultimately going to see some fireworks. Some people even celebrate Canadian culture, listening and singing along to Canadian music at their parties.
Instead, it was a couple hundred people in suits. Very little red and white apart from the random flags draped here and there. The Ambassador opened with a speech about Canada’s role in the world, which, under Stephen Harper, was only okay. There was no BBQ, there were no fireworks, and the Canadian national anthem, led by the Ambassador, was butchered. There was no casual and informal conversation – instead, it was purely networking and talking about this or that diplomatic initiative/success. One rule of mine is to NEVER bring work to a social function; here, the name of the game WAS work. Still, I was determined to talk to people I’d never met and maybe hear about their lives outside of work. The only problem was that any attempt to mingle among diplomats was met by ‘Oh, you’re an intern? How nice.’
I ended up standing in the corner among the other Canadian interns, musing about how it was the weirdest and most uncomfortable Canada Day party we’d ever been to. We ducked out when the complimentary drinks depleted, went to McDonald’s (to make up for lack of BBQ) and then to MuseumsQuartier to enjoy the evening with friends and away from work. And then we had to go to work the next day (we also had to work Canada Day).
The only saving grace of that Canada Day was free drinks, relatively okay live music, and eventually an hour or two with friends away from networking crap. I hope I never experience so lame of a Canada Day as long as I live.”
Who Says Scientists Can’t Have Fun?
“The SpaceX Christmas party was an amazing event but it turned into a disaster – some people just can’t handle an open bar.
I watched two people get taken away by ambulance. I watched one guy on a stretcher with an oxygen mask remove the mask to puke on the ground. My wasted coworker tried to pick up another coworker and throw him into a pool. Luckily, the guy struggled loose and my coworker fell in the pool by himself. The same guy tried to start a fight with the Hawthorne cops and it took three coworkers to hold him back and shut him up.
My girlfriend found an iPhone on the ground while we were dancing and picked it up to give to security. The owner called the phone and met us at the entrance wearing nothing more than a half-hiked up dress and no shoes.”
When Someone Goes To A Party And Loses Their Job
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“A real loose manager I had once decided to throw a company picnic, which way BYOB of course, with her providing only the cups. Obviously, everyone shared their drinks with ‘The Boss’ and soon after she was telling stories about the various men she had slept with before her husband (who was sitting there).
Long story short, come Monday, after seeing us all face to face again, and realizing that would be a five days a week remembrance of her various exploits, most of us were laid off for ‘lack of work.'”
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