This Birthday Party Was “Lit”
“I was at a sweet sixteen birthday party. All of the birthday girl’s friends lined up single file with a lit candle to say something nice about the birthday girl into the microphone. I looked up at the girl in front of me to see her hair being lit on fire by the candle of the girl behind her. I jumped up and started smacking this girl’s hair with a rag to put it out the fire. I both successfully extinguished the fire before anyone knew what had happened, thus saving her hair, while simultaneously receiving a million death stares from the crowd for creating what looked like an aggravated assault during a focused moment.”
When An Attempt To Change The Subject Backfires
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“When I was a teenager, I was at a friendly dinner with some people, and one of the girls attending was talking about a recent breakup, and it was making the entire table rather uncomfortable. In an attempt to change the topic and get people talking about something else, I told a story I had heard maybe a month before where someone’s dog had been picked up by a hawk and never seen again. A mutual friend nudged me. It was the girl’s dog. I stared at the table the rest of the evening.”
Rude Or Just Awkward: The Eternal Question
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“I held a door of an entrance to a hotel far too prematurely for a man in a wheelchair. I’m so socially awkward that I became paranoid of the fact that I held it beyond ‘society’s standards,’ so I let it go at a time when he was just close enough and the door shut right as he was reaching the entrance. I felt awful.”
He Never Meant To Hurt Little Fido…
“I was sitting in a chair at a party, surrounded by my girlfriend’s friends that I was meeting for the first time. There was a folding TV tray of drinks behind and to the side of my chair, which was in front of a couch. There was also a little dog with a case of the zoomies tearing around the room.
Eventually, the dog tried to launch onto the couch, straight towards the tray of drinks. I tried to gently deflect it’s flight path away from the drinks. Instead, it looked like I was a basketball player blocking a dunk. This freaking dog went flying to the side and lands on its head, yelping pitifully. Then it limped off, whining, while everyone stared at me.
Two minutes later, it was perfectly fine and running around again, but it was too late for me.”
Too Much Creativity In The Kitchen
“When I was 8 or 9, I had just learned to make omelets and was really excited to make omelets for anyone and everyone. It was my parents anniversary, so I woke up early to make them some…you guessed it, omelets. Now, we had just gone to Costco a few days ago and bought a MASSIVE bag of Hershey’s Kisses. So, my little brain went, ‘Omelets are good, Hershey’s kisses are good, let’s put them both together!’
Yup. I made two Hershey Kiss egg omelets, one for Mom and one for Dad. They came and sat down at the table and actually ate the entire thing. Didn’t say a word. In retrospect, I don’t think they said anything close to ‘Yum,’ but still no ‘Ew, gross,’ type comments. Then, I figured I wanted one of these brilliant creations for myself, so I made another one. I sat down to eat it and spat out the first bite. It was awful, gross, horrendous. Not edible.
I stood up to go throw it away, but my dad stopped me, ‘Hey now, I ate mine without complaining, you’ve gotta eat yours!’ I wanted to make my parents an anniversary omelet, but ended up feeding them the most disgusting piece of food ever.”
His Attempts At Humor Failed Miserably
“When I was young, say around 4th or 5th grade, I had a friend who had a stuttering problem. He had his moments where he’d be ok but then others where he couldn’t get more then a few words out. It obviously happened more so when he was nervous. He had a good sense of humor about it and privately we would joke and poke fun at it in our small group of friends, and that would loosen him up, and he’d be good to go.
One day in English class, we were doing the thing where the class would read a book out loud together. Each person would read a paragraph then the next in line and so on (you know, the one where you would skip a few paragraphs ahead to see what you had to read and pray it was small and try and memorize it… just me?). Well, it got to his turn and he froze and went into a bad stuttering episode. Typically when this happened, we would make a joke to him and it would be all good, so in my young mind, I had a great idea. The movie ‘Billy Madison’ was somewhat recent at this time…some of you may already see where this is going.
I thought, ‘Hey, this might make him laugh,’ so I quoted the part in the movie where Adam Sandler does that, ‘Ta-ta-today, Junior,’ in the middle of him struggling to get it out. Instantly, I regretted my choices that day. Everything from what I chose to wear to what I had for lunch to what I decided to say. Nobody laughed, not even a chuckle. Everyone in class just looked at me like I just stomped on a box of baby kittens. I got detention for a week for that comment.
Later, my friend came up to me and said he thought it was funny but didn’t know how to react when I was getting the death stare from everyone else.”
Well, At Least He Tried To Be A Little More Romantic
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“My ex and I were out for dinner, talking about our ‘relationship.’ How she went for a ‘vacation’ and how she almost broke up with me for the things I wasn’t doing for her (stuff around the house, waking up enough times in the middle of the night for the baby, not waking up early enough for the baby in the morning, stuff like that; I worked while she was on parental leave). We ended up going for drinks after dinner. We got home and she passed out on the couch. I tried to carry her up to our room, got up the first set of stairs, tried the second set and couldn’t do it. I lost my footing and accidentally threw her into the wall, creating a huge hole in the drywall.”
A Sincere Offer Goes Awry
“I stopped off at the minor league baseball box office on my lunch break to buy some tickets and noticed the Budweiser guy had a really long haul dollying all those kegs and cases from his semi into the stadium.
I pulled my truck up beside him, rolled down the window, and said: ‘You can toss all those kegs in the back and save yourself a trip.’
He got all upset and said he’s heard that joke a million times before, but I was serious. The gate was wide enough that I could have easily driven right next to the drink stand for him!”
Good Intentions Turn Into A Cruel Prank
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“I was best friends with a girl from grade 4 through 6. We were not a part of the popular crowd. In grade 7, we started growing apart. By the 9th grade, I was a part of the popular crowd, and at a party, I convinced them she was really nice and that they should invite her. They finally agreed and I invited her. By the time she made it there, the party was pretty out of control. The music was loud and I had a friend puking in the bathroom. No one heard the doorbell. She saw me running past a window (or maybe a glass door) going to attend my friend. She thought we were pulling a prank on her and that the invitation was fake and to ridicule her.
I have apologized profusely since then but now at age 29, I still feel horrible about it. It must have felt so awful.”
The Gift That Kept On GIving
“Worst birthday gift ever. I gave a little jewelry making tool to my friend who was supremely talented at it. She thought it was an extremely thoughtful gift, thanked me a lot and decided to carry it to the UK where she was moving to get an Au Pair job.
Immigration at Heathrow thought she had super low funds, and this little set was a set of ‘vocational tool’ she was carrying with her. They treated her horribly and deported her back to US.”
A Highly Offensive Spelling Error
“In 4th grade, we did a whole month on African history. I chose to do a country report on ‘Niger.’ I added two ‘Gs’ to the word by mistake and had it printed all over a poster board for my presentation. I was really upset that the teacher interrupted me right away and wouldn’t let me finish my presentation. Then she called my parents. I was so confused and cried.
After initially being mortified, my parents thought it was hilarious. I still hear about it 21 years later.”
When Frugality Is Mistaken For Impatience
“A while ago, I had my hair cut and what I did when paying still haunts me:
First some backstory. I often postpone getting my hair cut until it gets really bad. This was one of those cases. For that reason, I usually give a relatively high tip. I still end up paying less than I should with regular cuts.
This time, when I went to pay, there was a lady already at the register who took a little longer than usual to count her money out. I held the 25€ I was going to pay in bills (it was 21), and already made the plan to just give them the full amount.
Then, when it was my turn, I handed the lady at the register the whole 25€ and when she wanted to give me back the change, I said ‘No, it’s OK, I waited long enough.’ What I meant was that I had waited long enough between haircuts, and instead, I must have appeared incredibly impatient and rude…”
That’s Quite A “Tall” Order
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“I got a friend of mine a premium OkCupid account for her birthday without asking her.
She was absolutely furious that I did that without asking because she had left herself logged into my computer under her account and she’s had a tough time meeting men who fit her criteria. She’s very tall and wants a guy taller than her which at 6’3″ is highly improbable. So I was under the impression that she could maybe narrow down the filters and find someone who fit her criteria.
This really REALLY is the sort of thing you need to have discussed with someone before thinking you can just do it because she was mad. It was a violation of privacy and she never explicitly asked for my help with this, she just sorta wanted to vent and keep trying on her own, but like a fool, I always gotta try and fix things.
We made up, we’re fine, but she was absolutely livid with me for a while and sometimes brings it up as a joke to really stick it to me but it’s all in good fun.”
Get Back Here!
“My kid tried to run onto the plane as soon as he could when we were going to Disney World. He obviously thought Disney World was on the other side of the door. But it wasn’t time for us to board and I tried to grab his shoulder to keep him still so he wouldn’t get lost in the sea of congregating people. But I ended up only catching his shirt and clotheslining him as he ran forward. He cried and made a scene and I felt bad, but had he stayed next to us, I wouldn’t have had to try and keep him next to me. I didn’t want to be the guy low key yelling at his kid, but I ended up being the guy to make his kid cry.”
A Good Deed, Or A Patronizing Insult?
“I worked in a cafe when I was younger and a gentleman came in who I recognized as a bit of an oddball I had seen around, waiting at bus stops or walking downtown. Teenagers mocked him for talking to himself and for his appearance—short and very tidy, with a neat mustache and a hat that made him look like Mario. He came in and ordered a ham sandwich with a few extra side orders of particular things and a milkshake. He was meticulously counting out small change.
I thought I’d do him a favor by not charging him for any of the extras. Maybe because he went everywhere on foot, maybe because he seemed a bit off. I rounded everything to the basic prices and undercharged him. When I went to collect his dishes after he left, the remainder of exactly what he owed (down to the last cent) was stacked neatly on the table. I felt like such a jerk. I hope he thought I just made a mistake, not that I was patronizing him or assuming he couldn’t afford his meal. He knew exactly how much he owed plus tax, plus a tip and left it there even after being undercharged. I’ve always hoped he didn’t think I felt sorry for him, but I guess I kind of did, and it turns out I didn’t need to because he was very noble about his ham sandwich and I wasn’t.”
Not The Hero We Deserve, But The Hero We Need
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“I was walking through a parking lot one day when I saw a car with its trunk wide open.
Assuming that somebody forgot to shut it, I slammed it closed.
Immediately, I heard an old lady scream, ‘Why did you shut that?!?!’
She was walking towards her car with a cart full of groceries as she angrily reached into her purse to grab one of those cool key fobs that automatically open the trunk.”
Four And Twenty Blackbirds, Baked In A Pie
“So I’m a bird person for whatever reason.
Anyhow, a cat attacked one of the local crows and busted up its wing pretty good. I figured I’d do it a favor and get it some ‘expert’ medical attention.
I chased it around, got it into a cardboard box, and placed a towel on top of it as I drove it to the nearest bird sanctuary place. It was probably terrified at being captured and transported. I turned over care to them, they gave me a number to call in a couple weeks and presumably all was well.
I checked back in two weeks and they had euthanized it.
I still like crows, though I’m not giving any more to bird sanctuaries. Next time I’ll just leave water and nuts for it.”
Don’t Play With That
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“When I was about 7, my uncle and his new wife came to visit my grandma and the rest of us down in England (they lived in Scotland), and my uncle’s wife brought her child from a previous marriage who was around 4. My grandma has a lot of prescription medication and always used to use a pill cutter because she had trouble swallowing them.
I’d always been taught not to play with it because I could hurt myself, so when I saw this little kid messing with it and sticking his fingers in it, I held onto the top of it to try and take it away from him. My uncle’s wife looked at me and yelled at me to stop, even though I was trying to stop him from getting hurt. They both thought I was trying to crush his fingers with it.”
The Band Of Me, Myself, And I
“When my moderately successful band was having a big discussion about whether we should break up, I tried to convince the others to stay by expressing how proud I was of our most recent recording project and how we should at least promote it a bit and see how it goes. I said, ‘I mean, I think it’s the best thing I’ve ever done,’ meaning, ‘I don’t know about you, but…’ Except in the heat of the moment, I didn’t put the emphasis on the word ‘I,’ so I just sorta sounded like I thought the whole thing was my achievement. That didn’t go over well because my ‘dictatorial powers’ were one of the major complaints. I still cringe when I think of this. I really just misspoke, but the mood just instantly flattened and it was just impossible to save.”
That’s Not A Very Neighborly Thing To Say
“A few years ago, I’d moved into a new (and my first!) apartment, and the cold winter months kept me from really running into many neighbors. I was making an active effort to at least be nice and friendly if I ran into anyone.
It was the last day of winter, I was heading to work, and a neighbor was sitting outside on a bench, reading in front of the apartment building. This was an old dude, like, if he said he turned 30 on D-Day, I might not be surprised. I wanted to say something, but he was reading. I wanted to say, ‘Enjoy your book? Have a nice last day of winter!’
Instead, I made intense eye contact with this old guy and said, ‘Enjoy your last day’ and hurried off. I was mortified but it was too late, and my delivery was awful since I realized what was happening part way through, so it was sorta monotone and aggressive
I only saw him around the building one other time and we politely avoided eye contact.”
When Trouble Hearing Leads To Real Trouble
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“I was working with someone who wasn’t great at English.
I kept not understanding her but it was actually because I have hearing problems and she was talking really low—I’m used to working with people from other countries who are students. However, she assumed it was her fault because she felt like her English wasn’t good enough.
I meant to say to her, ‘Don’t worry, it’s not your fault, it’s mine!’
Instead, I said, ‘It’s not my fault, it’s yours.’
RIP. I still cringe to this very day.”
I Believe I Can Fly
“Oh man. When I was in high school, there was a pigeon stuck in a ledge. All the other students were looking at it, some were laughing at it (seriously, why?) and no one was doing anything. So I took it upon myself to rescue Sir Pigeon by gently helping him with his stuck leg. I held him in my hands for a while, and he started wriggling like he wanted to fly away.
Thinking this little guy wanted freedom, and with a crowd of about 50 kids watching, whispering and laughing, I let him go out into the what I thought was the sweet, sweet sky.
Except he dropped instantly.
He dropped down five floors.
I became a pigeon murderer that day.”
So Innocent, Yet So Horrendously Inappropriate
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“In eighth grade, we were having a class discussion/debate about the whole Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays thing and how Jews might feel about it. The genius idea in my head was that when somebody were to say check out at a register, the info on the credit card would indicate to the cashier their denomination and they would know what to say. Unfortunately, I’m an idiot and didn’t know the finer details of the atrocities in WWII. What actually came out of my mouth was that Jews should have something to indicate their faith so that the rest of the public would know how to treat them…yeah.”
Accidentally Triggered
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“I was visiting a friend at his college. He told me a friend was coming over and that his friend was a really cool, smart, funny guy.
The guy showed up, my friend introduced us. I don’t know why I said it, but I said, ‘Your reputation precedes you.’
The guy immediately started screaming at my friend. My friend was apologizing, as was I, though I wasn’t sure for what. Turns out the guy had killed someone in self-defense and had major psychological issues about having stabbed a dude to death. He had been the ‘creepy guy’ freshman year and that is the reputation to which he thought I referred.”