Dropping The Kids Off At The Wrong Pool
“I went to the doctor for some intestinal bleeding. My doctor is fairly new to the office and I’ve only met her once before this. I’m only 21 so I’ve never had a reason for a doctor to go knuckle deep in my rectum before, but the doctor insisted it needed to be done for some tests. So I bent over the table, she greased up and dug around for treasure. I hadn’t pooped in a day or so because it hurt when I did, so I was a bit stopped up. Once she started to pull her hand out I immediately realized what was about to happen and tried everything in my power to stop it. Too late! The doctor pulled her finger out and plop, out landed a turd, right on the floor. I was able to hold back the rest but the damage was done.”
Her First Trip To The OBGYN Didn’t Go Well…
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“So I’m at the OBGYN. I’m 19 and this is the first time I’ve ever gone to a doctor by myself. They put me in the first room next to the bathroom. We did the check up stuff and my doctor asked for a urine sample. She said, ‘Go next door to the bathroom and then write your name on the sample and put it in the little window.’
I was extremely nervous because I usually cannot pee on command. Somehow I managed to pee a little into the stupid cup. I wrote my name on it and then I realized I had no freaking idea what to do with this cup. I looked around the small bathroom and all I saw was a silver cabinet and a sink, no window. I walked out of the bathroom with this pee cup and bumped into this young pregnant woman. I looked into her eyes and said, ‘I peed in this cup.’ She looks confused. ‘Do you know what I’m supposed to do with this pee cup?’
She stared at me a bit more then her boyfriend walked up and said, ‘Uh… There’s a place for you to put it in the bathroom.’
I turned bright red and said, ‘OH!’ and ran back to the bathroom. I opened the silver cabinet and placed it next to all the other freaking pee cups.
I walked out of the bathroom, avoiding eye contact with the pregnant couple, and walked back to my room. I opened the door and there was this pantsless woman. I said, ‘Oh! Um… sorry, I’m looking for my stuff…I thought this was my room… um…’
To which she replied, ‘What the eff?!’
I shut the door and saw the nurse standing at the end of the hallway looking at me. ‘This is your room. Sorry about that, we moved you and I didn’t catch you in time.’
The pregnant couple and the nurse laughed at me while I did my walk of shame out of there.”
Everybody Copped A Feel
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“When I was 21, I noticed a lump in the right side of my chest. Being a broke college student, I ignored it for a while, and finally got it looked at while visiting home for winter break. I had never been to this doctor before, but she conducted what seemed like a normal examination, remarking that it was really unusual for someone my age to have a solid-feeling lump. She apparently wanted some consensus before she sent me for more testing, so she called in another doctor. Fine. This guy said, ‘Hello, I’m Dr. So and so, and this is my resident, and these are my medical students.’ Great.
So I got to spend the next few minutes (felt like an eternity) in a tiny examination room, laying on a table in only my underpants and socks on, with five or six other people who all took turns feeling me up and going, ‘Hmm…. hmmm.’
Mortifying.”
He Was Sure She Was Up To Some Dirty Business
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“This one time, I was pooping some blood, so I went to a clinic. The 80-year-old, hunched over, male, German doctor had to have a feel around in my business (I’m a girl). While this frighteningly decrepit gent was up to his knuckles in my behind, he loudly started asking me about my, um, ‘backdoor proclivities’ (I was shy and 17 at the time). I said, ‘No, no I do NOT do that!’ and laughed nervously. He told me that he couldn’t find anything wrong, but gave me something for the pain.
While I was walking out, through the clinic, past all the other patients who were waiting their turn, he loudly said, ‘You shouldn’t laugh about [backdoor stuff] that way. Many young women find they enjoy it. When you try it, though, be safe and use lots of lubricants.’
I skedaddled my bloody behind out of there right quick.”
All In Front Of His Wife!
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“I had to go to a specialist urologist due to pain in my ding dong. My wife, who is awesome, accompanied me for support.
The doc was at a teaching hospital so he asked if a couple of med students could observe the exam. I say OK (my dignity was already at a new low anyway, so why not?) I drop trow and the doc starts yankin’ and pullin’ on mini-me. He took some notes and then directed the two med students to cop a feel right where he did. I happened to look over at my wife, who was trying to stifle a smile while watching three dudes tug on me.”
The Nurse Gets An Unintended Show
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“I was having a lump on my balls checked. I described said lump to the doctor and he went about trying to locate it himself. I was lying down at this stage staring at the ceiling. After about a minute of him fumbling he admitted defeat and asked me to find it. So I sat up and started to jumble them around in my hands. I was hunched over and he wasn’t more than a foot away staring intently at my balls when suddenly a gust of wind blew the door wide open. Just then a nurse walked past the door. That was awkward eye contact.”
The Doctor Gets Grossed Out
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“A couple years ago, I started having terrible hemorrhoids, which at one point turned into a massive infection as well as Perirectal Cellulitis inflammation. There was a bunch of pus next to my backdoor and I went to the hospital to get it expelled.
They laid my hands and knees on the operating table and kept me awake while they numbed me and cut me open. About halfway through I hear a squirting sound and the doctor moaned. A mixture of blood, pus, and poop was hit at the wrong angle by the scalpel and launched itself out like a fountain onto the doctors face. It only hit her jaw and cheek areas, as well as her neck, but it was really dramatic and I didn’t know how to react. It was already awkward enough, now I had to say ‘Sorry, sorry!’ for pooping on my awesome surgeon.
One of the crappiest moments of my life by far.”
Boredom Will Get You Into All Sorts Of Trouble
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“The last time I was at my doctor’s office, I was kept waiting in the exam room for a really long time. Like, long enough to go through all three magazines in the room. Eventually, severe boredom set in and I started looking for other things to do.
There was a scale in the corner, so I thought what the heck, let’s weigh some stuff. I started with my shoes and eventually moved on to the magazines and my clothes. When I ran out of personal stuff, I surveyed the room and decided that I would like to know how much a chair weighs, so on the scale it went.
This is the exact moment the doctor and her resident decided to enter the room. There I was, wearing nothing but a hospital gown and socks, balancing a chair on the scale.
The chair weighed 8 lbs.”
Even The Doctor Needed A Timeout After This
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“I had nasal polyps removed. When there are a lot of them, after the procedure, there are several follow-ups to get minor stragglers but mostly also to remove giant blood clots that have formed.
My otolaryngologist was busy digging and scraping and scooping, and some monster freaking aliens were being dragged out. I could see my nostrils expanding like I was passing a chicken egg-sized baby out of them, then they close shut again.
Anyway, he was grinding and yanking at this one and it wouldn’t come loose. He rotated it a bit, gently placed it on a tray, and said nothing but leaves the room with a half-smile.
Three minutes later, he came back and told us he had a silent freak-out and had to wash up because a giant, bloody string of snot carried elasticity from the pull and slapped up against the length of his cheek like a cheap 25 cent toy from the bins at the front of a Kmart.”
A Parasite Turns Into The Biggest Show In Town
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“When I was 18, I went to Peru for a missions trip so we could bring the word of God to all the ignorant savages (blah blah blah).
While swimming in the Amazon, a parasite became a warm and cozy stowaway in my foot. Good times.
Fast forward three weeks.
I’m back in the states and have incredible stabbing pain in my stomach and have track marks all over my stomach, so I head into my family practitioner to see what the heck is up. She doesn’t know what is up and recommends me to the University ‘Parasite’ specialist.
This ‘Parasite’ specialist thinks my stomach is the coolest thing he has ever seen. I’m sitting in a stupid hospital gown and he can’t stop talking about how amazing this is. In fact, it’s SO AMAZING that he calls his colleague in who then calls HIS colleague in. Now, because this is a university hospital, every doctor has a couple interns hanging around and learning. All in all, there are 8-10 people in the room checking me out. Including some very attractive women very close to my own age.
Smart-aleck bearded doctor (NOT the specialist): ‘We should probably look at his behind.’
I turn over, hear the snapping of rubber gloves, feel my behind spread apart.
Smart-aleck bearded doctor: (Disappointed) ‘Oh. We won’t be able to see anything down there… Too much hair!'”
The Doctor Knew What Happened From Smell Alone
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“I used to always get pilonidal cysts when I was in high school. From between 13 to 18, I had it 5 times, which according to my doctor is a lot. These things used to hurt BAD. I’d get them right above my tailbone and it would feel like the tailbone was broken. If I didn’t get it dealt with right away, I wouldn’t be able to walk from the pain.
The last time I ever got one was horrible. It was Halloween and I was at my friend’s house when I noticed it starting to hurt. I knew right away what it was. The next morning, I had my mom take me to the doctor office, but because it was a Saturday my family doctor’s office was closed, so we ended up going to a walk-in clinic. The doctor took a quick look at it, said it wasn’t the problem, and set me up for an x-ray.
By the time the x-ray was over, it was hurting beyond anything I could imagine. It felt exactly like one of the cysts, but I trusted the doctor’s word. Later that evening, the pain was so severe I had to go to the emergency room. At the hospital, the doctor there took another quick look at it and told me it was nothing. He prescribed me some pain medication and sent me on my way.
That night was horrible. I was terrified, I thought there was something severely wrong with me. I thought I cracked my tail-bone after I fell over a balloon at my friend’s house or something.
On Monday, after a weekend of intense pain, I could finally go see my family doctor. I remember the waiting room was filled with people. It hurt too much to sit so I stood in the corner with my back bent weird because it hurt too much to stand straight. All of a sudden, I felt instant relief, followed by a smell that was quite honestly the worst smell I ever smelled in my entire life, even to this day. It smelled like death. The people around me could smell it, too. Everyone started coughing but trying their best not to offend. I could feel my pants were completely wet with the puss of my cyst. When my name was called, I was so embarrassed. Everyone knew the smell was coming from me, and now they could see my drenched clothing. I mean it was like I had just dipped the top of my pants and the bottom of my shirt in water, that’s how wet they were. The faces of the people were that of utter shock. They must have thought I peed myself.
Later in the doctor’s office, the doctor took one step inside the room and said, ‘Ah, another cyst?’ He knew just from the smell what it was. He took a look and said it was the biggest one he had ever seen. He signed me up for surgery (before I just gotten little surgeries just for him to pop for cyst, not a surgeon was going to remove the skin around the area so it would never return) and I have never had one since.”
She Was Just Too Good Looking
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“When I was in college, I went to the on-campus doctor’s office to get a physical. Apparently, the one in my records was outdated. I had no idea what I was walking into, and it didn’t even cross my mind that it was going to be a full, pants-down examination. To make a long story short, the doctor was a beautiful 28-year-old blond who was just out of med school or something.
After she performed all the different check-ups, a male nurse entered the room and she commented that he needed to be there for liability purposes. I was confused for a brief second -until I was told to drop my pants. She was on her little wheely stool thing with her beautiful face eye level and inches away from my junk. I closed my eyes while she touched my balls and shaft trying my best to imagine she was a wrinkly old dude so I wouldn’t embarrass myself. Unluckily for me, she grabbed the base of my shaft for some test and I let out a loud, very audible, moan. I went red and she acknowledged my moan by giggling, ‘It’s ok, nothing surprises me anymore.’ I just stood there, shaking my head no in silence, red-faced, and accepting my shame.”
She Had To Admit Something No One Wants To Admit In Front Of Her Mother
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“I went to my family doctor once because I was having extreme lower back pain, it hurt like a mother to pee, and my lady bits were burning like crazy. I have been going to this doctor since I was 10 years old (18 now) and he has always given me the best diagnosis and gotten me better ASAP.
So I went there and he checked me out down there, said there’s an unusual amount of discharge, and that he wanted me to give a urine sample. No problem. I went in the bathroom, try my best not to scream and scare the whole hospital while I was urinating in a little cup, and exited said bathroom with tears in my eyes.
After about 45 minutes of questioning from the doctor and waiting for my tests to come back, he says there’s a high amount of white blood cells and there was a ridiculous amount of blood in my urine (should’ve assumed since it came out orange.)
He says I have a really bad kidney infection, a bladder infection, and to top it off: a yeast infection.
He says he’s never seen something like this. To have that many infections just come out of the blue seems unbelievable. He asks me what I might have done in the past week to cause this. I really couldn’t even lie at this point.
So in front of my doctor (who has known me since I was 10) and my mother (who gave birth to me) I admit that I had some ‘backdoor fun’ with my boyfriend and he went from my back to my front. My doctor looks horrified, and my mother is near tears. Long story short, my mother threatened to sew my behind shut if I ever did something that stupid again, and my doctor gave me 15 days worth of antibiotics.”
The Doctor Makes It Worse
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“My most embarrassing doctor’s office story took place with the good ol’ OBGYN.
While in the waiting room, I realized that I was… moist. Not due to period, just spontaneous moisture. Oh no oh no oh no, I’m thinking, hoping that somehow it’ll disappear before the full exam.
Come time for the pelvic exam, I get my feet in the stirrups and whatnot. As is often the case, the doctor was in the room along with an assistant (both female). Usually, the doctor will grease up the speculum prior to the cervical exam/PAP smear/etc. When the doctor got the speculum out, her assistant retrieved the lubricant.
Then the doctor turned to her and said, ‘Looks like we won’t be needing that.'”
He REALLY Doesn’t Want Everyone To Know
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“When I was in the waiting room of the hospital for a broken toe, I saw a somewhat elderly man (50s-60s) come up to the nurse’s desk and cough quietly. She waved him off as a sign to tell him to wait a minute and he started to pace nervously. He was able to catch a male nurse walking by and tried to discreetly tell him he needed immediate medical attention. I was wondering why the guy was so antsy and that’s when I noticed it.
The guy had a mixture of brown and red fluid leak down the back of his thigh from his shorts. The male nurse asked him to speak up and even though he was quiet, I heard him mutter, ‘I’ve got an adult toy so far up my behind that I can’t reach it and I don’t want the entire hospital to know about it!’ The male nurse seemed to hesitate a bit and motioned him to wait in an isolated room.”
It Flowed Like A Neon River
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“This actually occurred shortly after I was born and we refer to it as ‘The Green Pea incident.’ My brother (2 years old) was moving to solid foods, and absolutely loved peas. Mushed, boiled, fried, or in things, he loved them. One day, my mom noticed that my brother wasn’t going to the washroom. No big deal, she thought. It’s only been a day. Two days later, nothing was coming out. He kept eating and eating, like the happy little fat toddler he was, eating all amounts of peas. My parents scheduled a day off work and took him to the doctor together. The doctor, of course, says that he must be constipated. It happens to the best of us.
At this point, it’d been four days since the little poop has taken one. The doctor gives him a large dose of prescription-strength ExLax, and suggests that they should probably keep an eye on him for the next while. As he’s talking to my parents about what they should do, my brother starts to poop.
Bright, neon green poop.
He had eaten so many peas that the fiber had actually clogged him up, and now it was returning in force. The semi-liquidated poop started flying out, faster and faster like you see in those comedy movies. Eventually, it settled down to a light stream, but not before his poop-mist had covered the entire wall next to the examination table. Neon green poop mist. All over the doctor’s tools, his blood pressure stuff and his posters. It ruined the cushion on the table, and stank to high heaven. My parents never went back to that doctor again.”
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