Sometimes, You Just Have To Give The Perp Props
“About 3 months ago I was on foot chasing a guy for a burglary warrant. We were on the second floor of a sleazy motel running towards the dead end, I thought for sure I had him…nope. He jumped right over the railing onto the blacktop and without even so much as a slight stumble, he kept booking it through the parking lot.
I stopped and just watched him run through the parking lot and down the street and said to myself, not even mad, that’s impressive.”
Puke Can Set You Free
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“My partner and I made a stop on a car coming out of an area full of clubs and bars. My partner walked up on the driver side and I walked up on the passenger side of the vehicle. The passenger of the car was passed out cold in the front seat. My partner asked to see the driver’s driver license, insurance, and registration. The driver opened up glove box, and that’s when the passenger opened her mouth and projectile puked into the glove box and on her friend’s arm. I turned around and walked about 10 feet away from the car. I hate vomit. I didn’t hear the conversation or see the rest of the puking in the car, but apparently, it got ugly according to my partner. I could see the look of disgust in his face while he watched the passenger puke all over the front part of the vehicle and on the driver as well. I saw the passenger car door open and the passenger fell face first into the pavement, covered in her vomit, and just lied there moaning. I yelled at my partner to tell the driver to get out of the car and take care of her friend. So while the driver is taking care of her friend, I got a little closer. The driver decided she needed to scoop some of the vomit out of the passenger seat before she puts the passenger back in the vehicle. I was lucky enough to dodge the incoming chunks of puke. I walked back towards the patrol vehicle and had a talk with my partner. He told me that the driver had a suspended driver license, and he thought she had been drinking as well, but he would actually have to investigate to see if she was inebriated. If we impounded the car or arrested the driver we would have to take the passenger for public intoxication. Two girls in the back of our patrol vehicle covered in one person’s vomit, my partner and I both agreed – NOPE!
We told the driver to get home, drive safe, obey every rule of the road, that she was lucky she wasn’t getting the car impounded and that she wasn’t going to jail. We drove away with lights and siren, and didn’t look back.”
He Had A View From The Security Cameras… And Stayed There
“One night I was assigned to work the late shift at a grocery store. If things were slow, I would sometimes chat with the security guard and hang out in the back room until a customer came in. Well on this particular night, we’re both just sitting back chilling as usual when we hear the store’s door open. I stand up and get ready to head to the cash register when I feel the guard grab my arm as he points to the monitor. This huge dude in a black vest had just stormed in and he looked absolutely furious. We stare at the monitor and see him go right to the kitchen utensils section. He grabs the biggest carving knife on the shelf and shoves it underneath his vest before heading back towards the door. At this point, I look at the security guard and he looks right back at me and says, ‘There’s not a chance in heck I’m going out there, kid.’
The guy charged out the door with the knife and that was that. We notified the police but I don’t know if he ever got caught.”
If He Was Amused, They Were Allowed To Go
“My dad was a cop and he had a few forget this stories:
There was a pothead who was ditching class, my dad spotted him and gave chase. They got to the woods. My dad was not a fat cop, he was catching up. In desperation, the kid shucked off his $300 black leather jacket which was my father’s size. He stopped and collected jacket, then let the pothead continue his terror fueled sprint through palmettos and spiderwebs.
The next one was when the kid was probably fighting or had pot. There was a hot pursuit through the halls, then up the stairs. The kid charged toward the 2nd story railing and without pausing, soared over the edge. He hit the ground with a stuntman roll and came out of it running.
My dad didn’t even bother trying to find out who the kid was. In his words ‘It was amazing, that guy deserved freedom.'”
An Animal Lover Takes A Stand
“I wouldn’t do a thing anytime a person had a dog in the car. Not because I was afraid of dogs, but because dept policy dictated that after an arrest the vehicle was to be towed and the only option is to send the animal to the pound.
I wasn’t going to be responsible for someone’s pet getting euthanized just so the city could have its revenue.”
It’s A Good Thing He Stopped When He Did
“I was on patrol and saw a pickup that pulled out of a gas station and promptly slammed into the curb. I attempt to pull them over and they floor it. I ended up chasing them for just a few seconds. They ended up blowing a red light at about 100 mph at a very busy intersection. In my state, the city and police department are held liable for any damages that result from a police pursuit. I chose to terminate my pursuit rather than risk my life and the lives of others trying to pull the same stunts that she did all for a traffic infraction. I pulled over, turned off my lights and siren and advised dispatch that the pursuit was over. Several blocks later she took a turn too fast and flipped the truck several times. She and the passenger were not wearing seat belts and were thrown from the truck. Both only suffered minor injuries and both were quite hammered. The driver was eventually booked on a felony for it and a felony flee to avoid arrest charge. If I had pursued them a few seconds longer I could have been sued for their injuries as well as for the totaled truck. Most importantly no one else was hurt by her attempt to avoid (what would have been) a simple misdemeanor ticket.”
After He Died, He Had A Horrendous Surprise For This Cop
“My trainee and I were sent to a death call. We got there, and this poor lady was screaming about her son, and begged us for help between sobs. We ran into the house, and the guy was lying somewhat peacefully on his bed with an empty prescription bottle beside him. Prescribed two days ago, 50 pills, all gone…yep, he’s dead.
Apparently, the guy had some health issues and decided to check out by downing the entire bottle of pills. The mom found him hours later, and rigor had already set in by the time we got there. As I was inspecting the scene and trying to be delicate as I’m teaching my trainee, the Mom insisted on hovering right over her son, telling me to do whatever I have to. Well, part of the job is to check all dead bodies for signs of foul play. By that time my partner had arrived, and I instructed my trainee to help my partner roll the guy over to check for other wounds or anything suspicious. At that point, the Mom is standing beside the bed, my partner and my trainee were trying to roll a very stiff…stiff…and I’m standing by the foot of the bed.
As the body rolls, the dead guy farted. LOUDLY. Epic fart really. Before I could say anything, I learned what farts from a dead body smell like. Let me preface this by saying I have smelled horrible things in my career: disgusting houses, gross people, other, deader people….NOTHING compared to the dead guy fart. I gagged and very nearly threw up on the bed, and ran out of the house. I refused to go in, as every time I got near the door I started gagging. The worst part was I found it funny afterward, and the poor mom just walked around covering her face with a tissue she was simultaneously trying to wipe her eyes with and breathe through.”
They Are As Dangerous As It Gets
“Smack is an ongoing problem in my city. It turns people into the incredible hulk in which nothing works in taking them down, more or less. One time there was an unclothed man in the middle of our busiest street with a broadsword. We literally had to circle him, and shoot him with pepper spray, rubber bullets, beanbag bullets and taser him at the same time to get him to drop the weapon. On average it takes 6 officers to arrest one man on something if the man is angry. This guy took about 10 police officers working together to arrest him.
I sat in my squad car and sipped coffee as I’ve had many encounters with users and have my own battle scars. The worst physical confrontation I ever had when dealing with a man on smack left me, and my partner, the head detective of the case, in the hospital. I got my face bashed in (broken nose and shattered cheekbone from one punch mind you). My partner broke three ribs, the lead detective broke his finger after landing on it and our back up, 3 patrolmen, all suffered bumps and bruises, one got bitten and contracted Hep C. You see, we had to arrest this guy who had murdered his ex-wife and put her boyfriend in critical condition and stole all of their money and anything he could sell. We couldn’t find him for two days. But we had coaxed his friends and family to call us if he called them. Well, he called his grandma and she told us he was at a McDonald’s getting food. She said. ‘He sounded weird like he was high.’ So myself and my partner at the time and with the head detective of the murder case all drove to this McDonald’s. We found him in a corner table with a table full of burgers. This guy was big, but not a giant unstoppable beast or anything. The second he saw our badges he screams at the top of his lungs ‘I’M NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL!!!!!!!!!’ and then the guy literally rips the table that was bolted into the freaking floor out of the ground. It was at this point in time I was hit with the realization that this guy was messed up on smack and had just turned into the incredible hulk. The lead detective dived at him, got thrown away. All I had was a taser and so I had to get up close and zap him. I did, didn’t phase him. He wrestled with my partner and I for a bit. It was 3 vs 1 and he was winning. He elbowed me, broke my nose and my cheekbone with one strike. My partner pepper-sprayed him, it did little but upset the hulk further. The lead detective had leaped on his back and applied a desperate illegal chokehold. We called for back up. And just before 3 more uniforms showed up he had been trying to pull my partner’s weapon out of his holster, luckily he didn’t know it had a thumb break. It took 6 well-trained police officers about 10 minutes to arrest this guy. We were all banged up pretty bad, while the perp had some bruises and a headache from the substances.”
There Was A Reason Ever Cop Left Him Alone
“There was a known, violent mentally-ill person named ‘Chop’ in a neighborhood I worked in. As a rookie, I got a call of a prowler cutting through someone’s yard near a cemetery. Its very dark and foggy. I pulled up to the area, spoke with the caller and she described Chop. Chop was known to sleep in the cemetery and wander about during the night. If left alone, he usually just went on his way. Well, being a rookie, I had to find this guy and see if he needed help/was a danger to the public, etc. I shined lights all around and I finally saw Chop standing next to a fence, with a hole in it, that led into the cemetery. Chop was huge, both in height and breadth. I called for an additional unit, only to be told that backup was a way’s off. I exit the car, staying close to it and noticed Chop has a 40-ounce bottle in one hand and a box cutter in the other. I thought to myself, well, if he attacks me, I’ll probably have to shoot him. I announced myself and Chop began to scream, starting at me with the rage of a psychotic. He then made a fist and shatters the bottle he was HOLDING IN HIS HAND. He then proceeded to start muttering and he went through the hole in the fence, into the cemetery.
I got back in the car and pulled back in service.”
He Was A Desperate Thief
“So I came across someone with the classic “stole food because they were poor” story. So I used my MDT and ran the name through it and this guy had a clear history which either meant he was lying to me (yes if you give a fake name it will have a clean record) or he was being serious. So I do some more checking and he was being honest. He didn’t steal a lot but the store caught him and then they left the decision to me. I arrested him in the store to let the feeling sink in and so I wouldn’t get a complaint by the store later and then walked him out to his car took the cuffs off.
I gave him a $10 bill and said ask people for food, don’t steal and that was that.”
A Site He Didn’t Want To See
“My old sound guy at a venue I worked at had a band. He and his band were deep into hard stuff and were heading up I-5 on the way to Portland. And, as junkies are prone to do, they’re blasting through the farmlands at like 90-100 MPH. They were just south of Redding, CA in the middle of Summer. It was hot. Like the middle of nowhere, 105F hot. There is no AC in this van, so they’re just sweating balls. So they take off their shirts. Still too hot, so they take off their pants. Still too hot, so they fling the slider door open. They see some cops come up behind them and flash their lights. Since they have a van full of dope and plenty of priors, they ignore the lights.
The cops pull up next to the slider door and see four junkies and just get on the PA and yells ‘SLOW IT DOWN!!'”
A Cop, Not A Babysitter
“A call came across the radio for an accident where both parties were now fighting and getting confrontational with the officer who had come on the scene. So my partner and I rolled over. We get both parties separated and it’s obvious the one driver was driving inebriated, so we hand her off to another officer to be arrested. And he proceeds to hand us the driver’s passengers: four 8-year-old girls and one baby. I will never forgive that sneaky prick.
So we arrange for another caretaker to get these little moppets and bundle them into the back of our car. Well, you’ll be shocked to learn that the children of mothers who drive inebriated are not the most well behaved little angels. Plus the baby had begun just wailing at the top of its lungs. So, my partner takes the baby and a bottle he’s salvaged from the crash in an attempt to calm it. I’m in the driver’s seat trying to separate 4 screaming monsters through a partition. Also, I don’t know any names so it was a lot of, ‘Abigal, is it Abigal? Stop pulling…..Sara’s? hair! Zoey? Don’t touch that it’s a taser is not a toy!’ and so on.
At about this time our supervisor rolls by the scene. He pulls up next to the car takes one look at the baby snuggled quietly in my partner’s arm as he coos to it; then turns to me as I’m trying to separate two ponytailed badgers in iCarly shirts – almost losing an eye. I could physically see the ‘Nope’ pass across his face and he drives away without a word.”
They Had To Get Rid Of This Perp FAST
“When I was in the Field Training program we were dispatched to a Shoplifter in custody at a local discount grocery store. When we arrived we found employees captured a 40-something white female trying to steal cat food. Cat food cans littered the ground and one appeared to have broken open. I remember seeing wet cat food all over her Croc shoes….only it wasn’t cat food. She pooped herself when the employees apprehended her. That was poop on her Croc.
Well, although it was only two misdemeanors, and she could have been given a ‘Notice to Appear’ (in lieu of a physical arrest), we don’t do this for people who fight with police or loss prevention. We threw her in the back of the cruiser and suddenly the smell was overpowering. Just the nastiest disgustingly sharp smelling poop. My FTO and I decide the rules don’t apply and drop this lady off, just giving her the NTA. We peered in the back seat and saw a filthy, tepid, opaque brown puddle of poop juice fulminating on the plastic prisoner seats.
We drove around with the windows open for the remainder of the shift and sprayed the goo with AIDS killing spray. To this day I remember the cruiser number it happened in and I’ve avoided it like the poop plague.”
It Was Too Odd To Do Anything
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“I was walking a foot beat alone when I was about to walk down a dimly lit alley. As I did all I could see was our local skinhead/ weirdo standing in the middle of the alley with no one around. He had on suspenders with spikes on them, a tank top and red pants that had a dozen or so chains attached from the belt to his lower pant cuffs. I watched him stand there as he spun back and forth so his chains would bounce against him and make a loud sound. He did this for several minutes without stopping to look around.
I was like ‘nope’ and backed up and left.”
Some Crimes Aren’t Worth The Time…In Chicago
“My 60-year-old uncle is a cop in Chicago who used to work beats in the bad areas of the city. For whatever reason, I once asked him how many people he arrested for drinking and driving in a week. Zero, he said. I was pleasantly surprised and asked him why that was, thinking it might be the good public transit, that type of arrest becoming more stigmatized, etc. etc. No, he tells me:
‘I don’t have time to arrest those drivers because of all the murders, abusers, and robberies we have to deal with. If I see someone driving inebriated with a weapon on their windshield? Maybe then I’ll pull them over.'”
He’s Not Ready For The Big Dogs
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“My cop/narcotics detective/SWAT team uncle looked really tired last Thanksgiving. When I asked why he told me they had a warrant to put a GPS tracker on a known dealer’s car.
So around 3 am, he snuck under the guy’s car and was looking for a good place to attach the GPS, when he heard a big dog start barking. He paused all movement… barking stopped, and he started moving again.
The instant that dog barked again, he nope’d out of there, ‘I am not getting pinned under a car by a bulldog.'”