The 13 Commandments Of Existing Peacefully With Thy Co-Workers

After years of strife amongst office employees, a set of commandments was agreed upon so that employees might be able to co-exist in a peaceful fashion. Diverging from these commandments has dire consequences and could earn you a spot in the pits of office hell. Fear not though, these commandments are simple to follow and will certainly lead you to the path of workplace salvation!

Thou shalt not covet thy colleague’s lunch.

Ye shall be caught with hands of crimson and will henceforth be known as thy lunch thief, whom no soul may trust.

Thou shalt be honest with thy coworkers when an ill fate befalls their lunch of your accord.

Tis only common courtesy, and if ye can not observe these unwritten laws in earnest, thy tenure in thy workspace shall be none so pleasant.

Honor thy co-workers’ sense of smell and do not offend with the odors of thy lunch.

Limit thy triple-stuffed burrito consumption to once every great moon, lest ye be known as the stinkiest eater, whom no one shall attend lunch breaks with.

Remembereth to smile!

And the Lord doth proclaim, “Smiles are contagious!” and it was so. Surround thyself with positive energy and thy co-workers will follow in thy footsteps.

Thou shalt NEVER, under ANY circumstances, lie with another employee.

And the path of evil shall tempt you to ask your cute co-worker out for drinks, but hold fast! This lustful sin carries much weight, as ye will risk the prospect of working with thy ex-lover. Indeed, this is the equivalent of being trapped in Dante’s fifth circle of hell.

Ye shall refrain from gossiping behind the backs of your colleagues.

Indeed, thy walls have many ears, and thy forked tongue shall be thine undoing.

Thou shalt observe reasonable noise limitations whilst carrying on phone conversations.

I) Thy life is not that interesting. II) Ye are not the only person who claims residence in thy office. KEEPETH THY VOICE DOWN!

Remember to keep thy emotions in check.

Thine emotions are most unpredictable. It matters not what thy day might throw at thee, ye shall await until 5:00 to express full emotions like all adults.

Thou shalt not disturb thy busiest of colleagues.

As Sloth is one of the deadliest of sins, all work must be completed. Thus, thy weekend plans are of little importance to many.

And the Lord made sick days, so that you might not infect the entire office.

For he so loved the office that he created thy sick days plentiful in number and accessible to all. Nary an excuse shall be tolerated.

And the end times were predeceased by excessive use of whimsical fonts. Thou shalt avoid these at all cost.

And the Lord cast Comic Sans out of the promised land for the remainder of eternity. And it was good.

For whatever mess ye shall make, ye shall also clean.

Thy dishes doth not clean thy-selves!

Thou shalt observe the most opportune times to shutteth-up.

Thine incessant chatter may be music to the ears of some, but ye shall observe the intolerance of others, lest ye be cast out as the chattiest of Kathys.