A strange man called Leslie is a regular at the local hardware store.
The following are a few stories involving him...
Meet Leslie – The Regular
Andrew worked at a local hardware store and had been working there for just under a month. One day in early October, Andrew saw a man he had never seen before entering the store and looked happy to see him. And okay, maybe happy is an understatement – he looked at Andrew like a long-lost brother with a grin so big that it looked like it hurt. Andrew describes him as the most strange man he has ever met, and because he didn’t know his name, he began to call him Leslie (Les for short).
The initial conversation they had, went something like this:
Les: “Hey man! Listen here man. Listen, man. Are you listening?”
Andrew: “Of course I’m listening, how can I hel-“
Les: “Great! Excellent, I’m really glad, I wasn’t sure if you were listening…”
Andrew: “I was, what ca-“
Les: “Anyways, I’ve come here to ask you (pointing at Andrew) for a favor.”
Andrew: “A favor? What exactly do you need?”
Les: “I need you to me a HUGE favor. I need you to show me where the garden hoses are. But not a usual, everyday garden hose you see, it’s not going to be used in a garden. You know, it’s clear.”
Les was looking for a clear tube, not a garden hose. Andrew thought it was an easy request, but when they got to the tube, Andrew found that the cutter wasn’t left there.
Andrew: “Let me go grab the cutters real quick.”
Les: “I don’t need them, I’m a regular.”
The Return Of The Les
As Andrew struggled to think of a response, Les pulled out a utility knife and cut off less than an inch. Andrew had no clue why he needed less than an inch of a tube.
Andrew: “Sir we charge by the foot, is that really all you needed?”
Les: “Yeah that’s fine, that’s what I usually buy.”
Andrew: “Oh?”
Les: “I’m gonna buy this now, but I might be back later to buy stuff to fix my sink.”
Les did return, only a couple of days later.
Les: “Hey man, I’m glad you still work here! I’m here to fix a sink.”
Andrew: “Uh. I don’t think our sinks broken, I assume you’re fixing yours?”
Les: “Yeah man, it’s broken, I told you that earlier. It’s been broken for a long time man, like a real long time.”
Me: “Oh, right. Well, what exactly do you need?”
Les: “I don’t really know, it just stopped last week. Maybe I need a pipe.”
…In A Unicorn Onesie
Andrew: “You better talk to the owner, he might have a better idea of what you need.”
Les: “Don’t bother, he’ll probably just trade me the sink from the store and sell mine.”
Andrew: “What?”
Les: “Anyways, it’s not like it was never not working, it just kind of stopped.”
Andrew: “You should probably get a plumber.”
Les: “Here?”
Andrew: “No, we don’t sell plumbers here.”
Les: “Oh okay man, thanks man, you’re the best. You did good man, I might come back to fix my sink.”
Not knowing what to say, Andrew watched Les set out into the night, in a unicorn onesie. Why? Who knows.
Another One
Another day, Les returned in another interesting get-up. Andrew describes Les as “always looking like he just surfed back from Hawaii and was always one thought ahead of himself.” This time (much like the last) Les looked thrilled to see Andrew, thrilled to be there, or maybe just thrilled to be alive.
Here’s a recollection of their next encounter:
Les: “Man, am I glad I caught you! Mailboxes.”
Andrew: “You want one?”
Les: “Show me the mailboxes, my man. I need something that would look good in front of an extravagant house, townhouse type thing with a big garden and lots of people walking through.”
Andrew: “Well, what color is the house? That’s the most important part.”
Les: “It’s a very pretty house, you know? People love to walk by it. Sometimes they hang around, it’s a nice house with great people. They’re trying to kick me out, the bank, but they can’t do that. I’ve lived there for four years!”
Andrew: “I see. What color is the house?”
Les: “It’s white, of course.”
Andrew: “Obviously. I recommend a black mailbox, it looks nicer if it contrasts.”
Les: “Which one is the best? Contrast, I like that. That’s like black and white with color?”
Andrew: “Kind of… I recommend this one, it’s a mounted mailbox, it’s nice looking and sturdy.”
Les: “$30? Too expensive. Waaay too expensive. Do you have the same one cheaper, maybe less expensive? Like way more not expensive. What about this one, they’re exactly alike.”
Andrew: “That’s a traditional post mailbox, it’s $50.”
Les: “It’s beautiful, magnify-cant. They don’t make them like this anymore, do they? I’ll take one – yeah, you know, I’ll just take one.”
Apparently, Leslie’s Rich
Then Les said he didn’t need anything else, so he and Andrew made their way to the counter, where another customer was checking out:
Les: “Let me buy that for you, I’m rich.”
Customer: “You don’t want to buy that, it’s for the town. They’ll pay for it.”
Les: “Come on man let me buy that for you, I’ve got $40 on me, I’m rich.”
Customer: “Maybe next time pal, I already checked out.”
Les: “Did you see that lobster last week? The green one. It was luxurious.”
Then the customer looked at Andrew as if he knew what Les was talking about. He obviously didn’t, so Andrew just shook his head.
Customer: “Oh yeah man, now I get it. I’ll see you next time!”
The customer left grinning and sadly wasn’t present the next time Les came in. Shortly afterward, Les placed the mailbox on the counter but wasn’t ready to end it here:
Les: “I was telling you earlier, the bank is trying to close the doors on my house. They can’t do that though. After you live a certain amount of years, they can’t say anything. I’ve lived there six years (yes, he did say four earlier), and I pay $600 million a year. They can’t do anything.”
Cashier: “$53 honey.”
On Second Thought…
Les: “Oh, I only have $40 on me. You know what I’ll get instead? I need to clean my house, I’ll get one of those things with the compressed air. You know they can clear an entire house?”
Andrew: “Sorry, we don’t carry air compressors.”
Les: “No, I don’t need an air compressor. I just need the compressed air.”
Andrew: “You want to clean your house with a can of compressed air?”
Les: “I don’t need the can, really, I just need the compressed air to clean my house.”
So, Andrew grabbed a can of compressed air and brought it back to Les, despite wanting to ask the cashier to bag some compressed air for him.
Les: “This is perfect. This is just what I needed! They don’t make them like this anymore.”
They sure don’t Leslie…they sure don’t.
Just A Kid At Heart
Through their few encounters Andrew came to realize that Leslie was a kid at heart. Andrew anticipated it and in a way respected it. Les was just a guy looking for some fun, and who can blame him? He enjoyed life and that’s more than most can say.
One day, Les crouched down and snuck towards the front door. He opened the door slowly and jumped in, letting out a light roar. Andrew acted startled, despite the front of the store being glass.
Les: “Ha! Hey man, how’s it going?”
Andrew: “It’s going just fine. Can I help you with anything?”
Les extended his hand for a handshake and Andrew did the same, but he decided to lower his hand, leaving Andrew in handshake-purgatory.
Les: “I was wondering if you had flower pots. You know, those orange bowl things you put plants in.”
Andrew: “We do have those orange things, let me show you.”
As they were walking, Les asked for Andrew’s name. Andrew told him for what felt like the 10th time and decided to ask him for his. Les finally shared his name with Andrew, and it was fitting.
They arrived at the flower pots, where Les revealed to Andrew that he wasn’t actually looking for the pot, but the saucer.
Les: “This is perfect, just perfect. They don’t make them like these anymore, I’m definitely going to eat off these.”
He Deserves The Job
Not knowing how to respond, Andrew chuckled, grabbed three of them and headed towards the register.
_Les: _“The town is really lively and vivid today, isn’t it?”
Cashier: “It sure is honey, is this all you need?”
Les: “These plates are perfect. I won’t lie, I’m going to eat off these. Do you have any silverware?”
Cashier: “I don’t think you can do that honey, you’ll get sick.”
Les: “I’m definitely going to eat off these.”
Me: “Sorry, we don’t sell silverware here.”
Les: “It’s fine, I’ll make some. I was going to ask you guys if you had any jobs open, but I wouldn’t want someone else to take it.”
Cashier: “Oh. Your total is $6.”
Les: “You know, I used to have brothers, but they got abducted by aliens.”
Cashier: “Oh, that’s tragic. Your total is $6.”
Leslie gave the cashier 10 singles and he was shocked by the amount of change he was given. He then said his farewells and left the store. The boss walks over grinning, having listened to the whole thing from the back of the store.
Cashier: “He can’t eat off those, he’ll get sick.”
Boss: “He is sick.”
Andrew: “We should hire him.”