Veterans Share Their Most Hilarious Boot Camp Stories

These veterans have some pretty hilarious boot camp experiences to share with us. Check them out now!

Officer Squirrel

“There are so many stories to choose from. One of the funniest is who we had to salute every living being. Literally. So I’m walking back from a med appointment I had when a squirrel crosses my path. So I render a snappy salute and bark out a ‘Good morning, sir!’ just as an officer is walking across the street from me. He ran across the street to investigate just who the hell I was saluting. I responded, ‘The squirrel, sir!’ He said, What the f*ck? You saluted a squirrel?’ ‘Yes, sir!’, I replied. ‘Who’s your company commander?’ he barked back, ‘Petty Officer Shanks, sir!’ ‘Ok, move on dumb*ss. And stop saluting squirrels.’ ‘Yes, sir!’, I replied.” (Source)

One Unlucky Private

“We had a kid in my bootcamp platoon named Jackson. The Senior Drill Instructor was Sgt. Jackson. Poor recruit Jackson was known as ‘recruit laundry number 38’ for the whole time because he didn’t rate the name Jackson.” (Source)

The Battle Of The Monitor and Merrimack

“The first couple weeks of boot are full of medical and dental exams, and if you need a procedure, you get it done right there. Tons of guys had their wisdom teeth pulled, and we had one guy come back right before lights out with his mouth full of gauze and loopy from the drugs. Our DI called us all to the center of the room, formed us up, and then told us to sit Indian style on the floor, and that Recruit Toothy was going to tell us a bedtime story. He pulled up a chair for Toothy, and then told him to tell us the story of the battle of the Monitor and Merrimack. Toothy mumbled that he didn’t know the story, so the DI told him to just make it up, and for every fact that he got right, we’d get to sleep an extra 5 minutes in the morning. What followed was like a live episode of Drunk History, minus any factual accuracy. As best as Toothy could recall, the Monitor was British, the Merrimack was ‘Old Ironsides,’ and that in the end, ‘they shot the shit out of each other and everybody died. The end.’ We were all dying laughing, but the DI sat there stone faced. After Toothy was done, DI just stood up and said ‘That is exactly how it happened. Well done,’ got up, turned off the lights, and walked out.” (Source)

Not In Kansas Anymore

“There’s a guy who broke down one day. Just in tears, so naturally, he is fresh blood here. Petty Officer Smith walks up to him puts a comforting hand on him and asked ‘hey you ok?’ He motions to the other instructor an says ‘hey petty officer, can you get this recruit a nice cup of suck it the f*ck up? He’s not in Kansas anymore, this shi*t is real.” (Source)

Full-Mast

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Private Casper

“One of the guys fell asleep during fire watch. One of the drill instructors ambushed him and told him that he was now dead. So then he had to go around being a spooky ghost . He had to walk around with a sheet over his head booing and shaking everyone’s racks. It would have been hilarious if I wasn’t so damn tired.” (Source)

Tough Break, Biscuit

“I still remember when my company left for a 7 day patrol exercise. When we were mustering, we had to present all of the mandated equipment for field operations. Nothing more, nothing less. Everything was checked to the letter, and anyone who had forgotten something or had something extra got a “panzerbiscuit” (basically a plastic container shaped like an anti-tank mine, filled with sand. Weighs around a nice 10kg). At that time we had 32 privates left in our platoon. There were a total of 4 mistakes in the equipment mustering, so 4 biscuits were distributed. At that time our platoon CO turned around and talked quietly to our XO and said something like “I thought there’d be more mistakes, I had planned for them to be carrying one each”. Our XO then put a grin on his face and shouted ‘helmets off!’ At that time we had all, by their orders, already put camouflage paint on our faces, thus the inner leather rim of our helmets had remnants of it on. He then went around the ranks and said to each of us ‘not cleaned properly, biscuit’ until we all were carrying one.” (Source)

Who’s The Idiot?

“After the first breakfast there we headed back up to the compartment to get ready for the day. AROC yelled, ‘Port side 5 minute pump and dump.’ I whispered to my bunk mate, ‘I need a little more romance than that.’ Chief overheard me somehow and got up in my face. I had to follow him to the head, then stand in front of the mirror and point and say, ‘You’re an idiot.’ Then point back at myself and say, ‘No, I’m an idiot.’ Was forced to keep that up for 30 minutes. Will never forget most of the stupid stuff I did or said at basic in the Navy.” (Source)

One Tough Roo

“One time this guy decided that he would test out his newly acquired ‘stealth skills’ by leopard crawling up to a roo. A massive eastern grey male, who was ripped as f*ck. He was from the city and had never really seen kangaroos outside of zoos. He learnt fast, the secco (section commander) was in stitches whilst we pulled the roo off him.” (Source)

That’s A Lot…

“I had a RDC, who, whenever she saw a recruit biting his fingernails, would go on to explain about how such and such amount of recruits had lived in the same barracks before we had, and how every recruit touches their d*ck or jerks off and then touches something in the barracks. She made us do math to figure out how many transitive d*cks we had in our mouths whenever we put or fingers near our mouth. TL;DR: I have had 10,000 d*cks in my mouth.” (Source)

Hotdog In A Hallway, Private

“Ex-military here, during AIT a guy was walking through the bay back to his footlocker. Drill Sergeant runs up the stairs and catches him (he had been late for roll call earlier) and immediately began making him “side straddle hop” aka jumping jacks. Towel comes off and hilarity ensues. ‘Whats wrong with your privates, private? Lookin’ like some franks and beans. What is that, a birth defect?’ Guy, face turning red as his junk flings in the air: ‘The ladies love it Drill Sergeant.’ Whole bay erupts into laughter. DS, turns to go back down stairs holding back a wry smile: ‘hot dog in a hallway private, hot dog in a hallway.’ First time I heard that expression.” (Source)

That’s Just Cruel

“During my basic, the last Harry potter book was coming out and a lot of people were having their parents mail them like 50 pages at a time in their letters. Eventually our instructors found out and brought the company in a room and gave away every major plot point in the book. Who died and when and just ruined the book for like hundreds of people. It was absolutely the darkest, funniest thing I’ve ever heard. To make it even funnier, when we were out in the woods and getting the trucks that brought MRE’s unloaded they made kids get sticks from the woods and have wand fights in order to see who could get to eat first” (Source)

Freeze, Recruit, Freeze!

“The DI’s did this thing where they would yell ‘Freeze, Recruit, Freeze’. We would have to stop whatever we were doing. As my bunk mate was running back from the showers wearing nothing but a towel the DI screamed ‘Freeze, Recruit, Freeze!’ My bunk mate tried to freeze on one leg and then fell down, naked, and because he was following orders, just laid there naked. I laughed and my DI called me a cock gazer. (Source)

A Valid Reason To Join The Army

“Quite possibly one of the funniest things I saw was one day we were in the classroom and some higher up officer that was in some way, shape or form in charge of some of the training during basic came in and wanted to ‘get to know’ some of the soldiers. He asked why a few of them decided to join the army. Of course Pvt. Ben’s hand flew up. I saw one of our instructor’s face immediately fill with regret but it was far too late. The officer called on him and he said that the reason he joined the army was because his ‘level 80 paladin got banned on world of warcraft and he tried to bite a kid at school over it,’ and that afterwards his guidance counselor basically told him his only hope was the military. The officer instantly picked someone else. Of course I was in tears.” (Source)

Never Enter The Fifth Element

We were lined up in 4 rows, or ‘Elements.’ One day a lone soul lined up in his own element. The instructor came running around the corner staring at this guy. He got right up to his face and screamed, ‘ARE YOU BRUCE WILLIS?!’ ‘No, …sir’ he whimpered. ‘THEN WHY ARE YOU IN THE FIFTH ELEMENT?!’ I had to use everything within me to not laugh.” (Source)

The Drill Sergeant Is Quite The Gardener

“My battle buddy and I were ordered to dig holes, so when were about to the waist he proceeded to turn on a hose. He started to fill the holes with water and told us to stay in the hole. Another DS walks by and asks him what he’s doing. He says ‘I’m watering my petunias.'” (Source)

All For A Banana?

“Walking by the snake pit when I’m stopped by another MTI who asked if my TI cursed at us. I answered no as they technically aren’t supposed to, but they still do. The MTI then grabbed a banana off my plate and said if I wanted it back I had to answer truthfully. Food being a luxury and I do love my bananas, I answered yes and he sent me on my way. Later that day in the day room my MTI comes busting in, ‘which one of you motherfuckers sold me out for a god damn banana?!'” (Source)